How About A Little Baptist Humor?

[Matthan]

A lot of people do not even realize that Baptists actually laugh at something funny. (Well, every Baptist except my Aunt Tilly. She found sin in EVERYTHING!!!) So, I guess I'll start this here ball rolling.

We are really "rural" around here. Lots of country, and no city at all. So, when our new pastor arrived a few weeks ago, he was so full of zeal that he decided to go out and find himself someone to convert. He came across a farmer working next to the road at the end of a driveway, and stopped his car for a chat. The conversation went something like this....

"S'cuse me, brother, but are you a Christian?"

The farmer looked up, scratched his head, and said, "Nope, I'm a Gilholley."

That young preacher would not be put off, so he said, "No, brother, you don't understand. What I mean is, are you lost?"

That farmer looked around and said, "Nope, I was born right here, and I know right where I am."

Now that young preacher was starting to lose his cool, so he decided to come right to the point. He said, "No, no, brother, what I mean is, are you ready for the 'Judgement Day?' "

That farmer answered, "Well, when is it?"

The paster, feeling he was finally making some headway, said, " Nobody knows, brother. It could be today, or it could be tomorrow."

"Well," the farmer quickly stated, "don't you tell my wife. She'll want to go both days."


Now I'll agree that isn't much of a start, but you guys can do better. So, here's your chance to become the Rodney Dangerfield of CF. Give it your best shot.

And never forget the little boy who was acting up so badly during the church sermon that his father stood up, snatched the little guy up in his arms and partly over his shoulder, and headed for the doors at the rear of the church. Just as they both arrived at that portal, the little boy shouted out, "Pray for me, Pray for me!! (True Story)

Matthan

 

[BT]

Here's an illustration that I used in my Thanksgiving message, you may have heard it before. If not ...

Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn't make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, "Put up a prayer, John. We're in for it!" John answered, "I can't. I've never made a public prayer in my life." "But you must!" implored his companion. "The bull is catching up to us." "All right," panted John, "I'll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table: 'O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful."

Here's an anecdote from the same sermon ...

Scottish minister Alexander Whyte was known for his uplifting prayers in the pulpit. He always found something for which to be grateful. One Sunday morning the weather was so gloomy that one church member thought to himself, "Certainly the preacher won't think of anything for which to thank the Lord on a wretched day like this." Much to his surprise, however, Whyte began by praying, "We thank thee, O God, that it is not always like this."

 

[Matthan]

BT, those were wonderful!!!!

Matthan

 

[Jessica Lauren]

Those all are great! :laugh:

 

[Monica02]

A man arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him, asked his name and started to search his book.
St. Peter: "I do not see your name listed, maybe it is a mistake. Have you done anything noble or good in your life?"
Man: "Well, not really"
St. Peter "Are you sure? Think really, really hard! This is real important,you might get sent to Hell. Now concentrate, have you ever helped a litte old lady cross the street or fed a stray puppy? Tell me, it does not matter how small the good deed was.
Man: Well, One time I did help a lady who was being hassled by a group of thugs. They were real big guys and mean looking. I stood up to them, all by myself, even though I am a 90 pound weakling! All six of them.
St. Peter: WOW!!! that is unbelievable, I wonder why that is not in the book. When did that happen?
Man: "About two minutes ago."

 

[Matthan]

Monica, that one is priceless!!!

Matthan

 

[Crazy Liz]

Won't touch this with a 10 foot pole. Last time I tried to post Baptist humor I offended you.

 

[SumTinWong]

Not all of us Crazy Liz .

A local priest & Baptist pastor were fishing on side of the road, when an idea came to them. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" & showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign & shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, & the priest said to the pastor... "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

and there was the one...

Two Old Baptist Elders were discussing when they thought the Primitive Baptist Church had its beginning. One said that it started with John the Baptist. The other one said, "No, it started a long time before that." "Well, when do think it started," replied the other. "It started way back in the 13th chapter of Genesis when Abram said to Lot, 'If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.' "

not as funny as this one though

A Baptist preacher who served several churches arrived early one Sunday morning and set about sweeping the meeting-house. As the time approached for services to begin, one lone cowboy arrived. None of the other regulars showed up. The preacher then asked the cowboy whether he thought they should go ahead with worship services. The cowboy said, "Well, preacher, when I go out to feed the cattle, if only one shows up, I still feed her." The preacher said that they would go ahead then. They sang some songs and the preacher then offered a prayer after which he began to preach a full hour. At the end of the services, the preacher asked the cowboy what he thought. The cowboy said, "Preacher, I guess I didn't make myself clear. I should have added that, if only one cow shows up to be fed, I feed her but I don't give her the whole load."

Not bad eh?

A young lady went to her Baptist pastor and confessed that she feared she had committed the sin of vanity. "What makes you think that?" asked the minister. "Because, every morning when I look in the mirror I think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, my girl," he replied tenderly, "You did not sin, you were simply mistaken."

that was good, but this is better...

After his sermon on Sunday, Pastor Blowhard announced; "After dismission I want to have a meeting of the Board in the basement." When a total stranger showed up at the meeting the pastor said to him, "Sir, I think perhaps you misunderstood. I said I wanted to meet with the Board." "Well," replied the stranger, "I figured I was just as bored as anybody else."

get it bored... board... ahem.

One Sunday a young Baptist preacher delivered what he thought was an exceptionally good sermon, and there was no question in his mind but that everyone else was as impressed with his effort as he was. In the car on the way home he asked his wife, "Honey, how many great preachers do you think there are in the world?" She smiled lovingly, put her hand on his shoulder, and replied, "One fewer than you think, dear."

gotta love them wives to keep the men folk humble

After the preaching service one Sunday, a Sister went to the Baptist preacher and said, "Your sermon today reminded me of the mercies of God."

The preacher would have been better off to have just thanked her and let it go at that, but feeling somewhat inflated he said, "How's that Sister?"
she replied. "I thought it would endure forever."

 

[SumTinWong]

First Baptist
It has been there too long.

Second Baptist
The people didn't like First Baptist.

Third Baptist
The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.

Ana-Baptist
The people didn't like First, Second, Third, Fourth, ... Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.

Calvary Baptist
The people crucify their pastor regularly.

Community Baptist
It is a social community club.

Conservative Baptist
The people don't talk to strangers.

Cooperative Baptist
They compromise with anybody and anything.

Free Will Baptist
They draft will for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.

Fundamental Baptist
Fund a mental Baptist.

Grace Baptist
They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!

Immanuel Baptist
They are in manual mode ... church leaders must push them to serve.

Independent Baptist
The people don't depend on God.

Memorial Baptist
It is dead.

Monument Baptist
It is history.

Missionary Baptist
They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.

Open Door Baptist
They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.

Pentecostal Baptist
It is for people who work for the Pentagon.

Primitive Baptist
They don't divide or multiply among themselves.

Progressive National Baptist
They are members of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing).

Seventh Day Baptist
The other six days are for party.

Southern Baptist
The people hate cold weather.

Third World Baptist
The people love the world so much they don't mind to come in third.

Tabernacle Baptist
Hmmm ... it doesn't look much like a tent.

United Baptist
The people are union members.

This is only a joke, anything that resembles truth was done in error.

 

[SumTinWong]

A four year old Baptist girl was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

next

The crumbling, old 1st Baptist church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, a little piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on the rich man's shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, a bigger piece of plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

next

Two Mormon church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a Baptist woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

next

There was a Baptist church organist whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.

But the Choir Director knew the elderly lady loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged lady approached her final hour. As several congregationalists gathered around her at her bedside, the Pastor asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

next

What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new Baptist preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his congregation for the first time. By Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

He had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time ... but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and then fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

next

There once was a rich Baptist man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

next

One beautiful Sunday morning, a Baptist minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Not a Baptist Joke, but funny anyway!

Moshe was shocked when his son announced he was going to convert from Judaism to Christianity. Distraught, he went to see his friend Herschel.

"Funny you should mention it," said Herschel, "but my son too just told me he was converting from Judaism to Christianity. Come, let's go see the rabbi and ask for advice."

Hurrying to the synagogue, they told the rabbi the problem.

"Funny you should mention it," the clergyman told the men, "but even my son has announced that he's converting from Judaism to Christianity. You know, I'll bet there's something going on here. We'd best talk to God."

Hastening to the sanctuary, the three men folded their hands, and the rabbi said, "Oh, God, all of our sons have forsaken Judaism for Christianity. Tell us what we should do!"

There was a rumbling in the heavens and a voice echoed through the temple. "Funny you should mention it ..... "

 

[SumTinWong]

On a typical Sunday morning, the parishioners at a Baptist church were
listening to the sermon. Suddenly there was thunder, lightning and the
earth began to quake. Right in front of the church appeared the devil.
Screaming with panic and horror, the congregation ran from the church.
All except for one little old man.

The devil roared at him. "BE AFRAID OF ME! AREN'T YOU
AFRAID OF ME?!"

The little old man just answered, "nope."

THE DEVIL RAGED AT THE LITTLE OLD MAN,
BREATHING FIRE AND GROWING IN SIZE.
"ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME NOW?!! "
BELLOWED THE DEVIL.

"Nope." said the little old man.

THE DEVIL WAS SO ANGRY BY THIS TIME,
THE CHURCH WALLS BEGAN TO FALL AROUND THEM.
WITH ALL THE ANGER AND HATRED THE DEVIL COULD
MUSTER, HE SCREAMED AT THE LITTLE OLD MAN,
"ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME NOW!!!!!!?"

"Nope" said the little old man. Been living with your sister for 48 years!

 

[SumTinWong]

The pastor of a Baptist church was sick one Sunday morning, so a preacher was called for pulpit supply. As the substitute preacher was greeting the congregation he made the statement, "You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he's not the real glass." He then proceeded with his sermon.

After the service, a lady approached him trying to pay him a compliment by saying, "You weren't a replacement after all. You were a real pane."

 

[SumTinWong]

Over the massive front doors of a Baptist church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."



next


Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please > make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."


next

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."


next

After the church service, a little boy told the Baptist pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

[Sword-In-Hand]

Two pastors were debating over the Rapture of the church. Suddenly one of the preachers looks at the other and says, "My church is going to be the first ones called up during the Rapture."

"You can't possibly know that's true," said the other pastor. "No one can make that claim."

"Yes I do know," persisted the pastor. "I know for a fact that my church will be the first to be called up."

"How can you possibly know this? Why will your church be the first to be called up?"

"Simple. It says right there in the Bible that the dead in Christ shall rise first."

More

A Baptist, Pentecostal and Catholic church all shared the same problem. All of the churches were infested with mice. The Pentecostal preacher tried and tried to find a way to get rid of the mice, but to no avail they kept coming back. The Catholic priest persisted the same as the Pentecostal preacher, but with the same results. The mice just would not go away. After their last failed attempts they called the Baptist preacher and asked him if his church still had a problem with mice.
To their surprise the Baptist preacher said he found a way to get rid of the mice and they haven't been back since. Excited to hear how he had fixed the problem with the mice, they both asked how he did this.

"We just got them all," said the Baptist preacher, "then baptised them and never saw them again."

 

[BT]

Good ones guys!

 

[GreenEyedLady]

This is not a baptist joke, or even one I made up.
THis happened today at the voting polls.
I walked up with my husband and 2 children. Seth, my 3 year old was really excited because he was going to get to vote too! So I have my drivers licence in my hand to give to the old lady who is checking to see if I am who I say I am. My husband also had his licence out and ready to be check. So here we are waiting in line and I finally get up to the lady and hand her my licence. She checks my name off and I sign where I was told to sign. There was a long line forming behind me. My son says loudly.......
MOM, are you MAKED in that picture?
I said, WHAT Seth?, as my face turned red, hoping and praying that he meant something else.
He said real loud again, MOM, are you MAKED in that picture, I said, NO! Everyone in line is laughing at this point. He turns to my husband and looks at his picture and says,,,,,Daddy, are YOU maked in your picture. No, son, I am not maked in this picture.
Everyone was laughing.
I think he thought that because the picture is just of our heads that everyone who gets there drivers licence is naked.
Oh lord, the mind of a child.
GEL

 

[Monica02]

I saw this joke during the Monica Lewinsky affair. Clinton was a Baptist so I think it qualifies as Baptist humor.

The Pope and President Clinton were meeting at the Vatican when an assassin killed them both. President Clinton went to Heaven and JP2 was sent to Hell.

JP2: "Uhhh, excuse me Mr. Demon, I do not mean to be presumtuous but should I really be here. I mean, I am the POPE.

Mr. Demon: "Well, we do have a few of your kind down here, but not too many . I will double check on the computer."

Click Click Click went the computer keys.

Mr. Demon: "Oh boy, you will be glad I checked. Yeah there was a mistake,you should be up there, but we can't send you up until tomorrow. Please wait in the air-conditioned waiting room overnight."

Tomorrow came and the Pope recieved his wings and started to fly up to Heaven.
On his way he met President Clinton, who had an anvil attached to this feet.

President Clinton: "Hello Holy Father, how are you?"

JP2: "Oh, I am fine now. I was worried last night , but the Hell thing was just a mix-up."

President Clinton: "Yeah, I know. It does not work out too well for me, but at least I got to see Heaven for a day."

JP2: "Oh, I can't wait. It must be beautiful. What I have always wanted too see most of all is the Blessed Virgin Mary. That is what upset me most when I thought i was condemned to Hell, that I would never meet the Holy Virgin ."

President Clinton (very concerned and sheepish looking): "Oh my, oh my, Holy Father.
Uhhhh, you really should have got here yesterday."

 

[SumTinWong]

Oh noooo....LOL

 

[BT]

George Bush was walking down the street and saw Moses about a block ahead of him.
Shouting, Bush asked Moses to slow down, as he wanted to talk to him. Moses ignored him and walked faster. Bush yelled again but Moses kept walking. Finally, Bush caught up to Moses,and asked why he was ignoring him.
Moses turned to Bush and said, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert alone!"

 

[BT]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Insurance Claims[/font]



[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]It's important that a witness for Jesus Christ be bold, clear and accurate as he tells the truth of salvation's way. As you emphasize the importance of being clear, read this now-famous and still-hilarious accidetn reports. The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly: [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. [/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. [/font]