Hopeless and Beyond cleansing

[Unwanted]

My name is Juan. I'm an 18 year old boy with a lot on his mind. I have a very dark past. I was diagnosed with depression at 17. I was at a really hard time in my life. I took a good look at my life and I was so sad and angry. It wass as if because I hated myslef so much I had to point that hate outward. I let that hatred out on the Lord. I despised him with all that I was. I honered is enemy. I drew so many demonic symbols. I even drew an upside down cross. I was so vulnerable and so angry. Deep down I was so sad. When I realized what I had done and where I would go after death I couldnt sleep. I never cried so hard in my life. I spent every waking moment wondering if he could forgive me. I found out about the unforgivable sin and it took me back to my past. I've spent the last few months in complete terror. I've prayed to the lord hoping he could give me another chance. I found a church and hoped I could get some anwsers. I want to believe he influenced my life. That he maded me something new. But my past would still come back. It was like a loud voice of hopelessness. A voice reminding me of my wrong doings. I tried to believe maybe I was forgiven. But that voice is just so loud, sou strong and so right. I left my church with the belief that the Lord never forgave me and he never would. I try to forget what I learned there. I tried to forget it all. I've fallen back into sin. I was in doubt before but I hadd a sense of awarness toward sin. I knew right from wrong. But ever since I left that awarness is wrong. I wonder if maybe my heart has hardened again. When my heart was softer I was so easily hurt. I felt so fragile. Now I barely feel anything. As much as I try to forget I can't. I tell myself " You messed up and he won't forgive you" I tell myslef "The best thing to do is to live out the rest of your miserable life and not think about it" To this day deep down I want the lord. Maybe I never felt it but I knew it. I knew what love was. It was so beautiful. It was something only he could give, It wass something I wish I had or knew before I did those atrocious things. I ask myself why the Lord created me. If he knew everything about me before I was born than why make me? I've suffered so much and the worste is yet to come. I feel like I have to wind myself up every morning. I mesed up A LOT. I knoiw that. I've even sinned know it was wong.
How could the Lord ever love or forgive a creature like me? Im so young and I carry so much in my heart. Sometimes I find myself begging for his help. Yet I recieve nothing. I don't blame him. I wonder why there was no one to stop me. Why there was no one to tell me Jesus loves you. I was so bitter from the emptiness and lonliness and sadness in my life. I became blind and now I did things I cant take back. I see no point in life. Everything is so hopeless and empty. I try to fnd petty things to fill my life and help me forget but I can't. What should I do? The bible scares me so much. Everything it warns againts I've probably done. I just to lost and sad. What should I do? What can I do? Is there hope? I try to just sit down and say to myself I'm forgiven but I just don't buy it. Not me, Not my crimes. Whats left for me?
Because of my actions I have sealed my fate. I don't doubt the Lords ability to forgive me but the will to. Perhaps he never elected me to be saved. Perhaps he's tired of me and refuses to hear me or to help me. He refuses to forgive me. All I see are my wrong doings. Perhaps I have commited the unforgivable sin. I dont know what to believe. Its not easy to just accept what others say. They have'nt sinned the way I have. They have not commited the crimes I have. I can't even sleep at night anymore. The day is also so hopeless and empty. I keep havung flash backs and thoughts on the sins I have commited. Nobody knows what its like to just be awake at night thinking about how they sealed their fates. How they can't be forgiven and how they will siffer for an eternity. I carry all this in my heart day in and day out. I dont know what to do or what to think.

 

[Legionwrex]

The general opinion is that if you're scared that you've committed the unforgivable sin, you're good. People who blasphemy the Holy Spirit never look back or worry about it. Some theologians even believe that Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit was only a sin that could be committed by the generation of Jesus's day, those who see his miracles and have the gall to declare them of the devil. Basically, I wouldn't worry about Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

Secondly, as someone else going through his own struggle of salvation (I'm 15 BTW), I can relate to you. And this may come as a shock but I'm also a bit envious of you. You feel the desire for the Lord's love in your heart. You see how evil and undeserving you are, and how desperately you need the Lord to save you. That's a great sign of already being saved. I wish I felt like you, but I feel as though everything I do is motivated out of fear and attrition, not contrition.

Finally as to being elect, I myself have also struggled with this question. The answer I've come to is just not to worry about it. That's God's department. The very fact you are even worried about it is also a good sign. Not to mention that there is no Biblical example what so ever of a person wanting to be saved but being denied because they aren't elect. That's just ridiculous. (And all this is just going with the Calvinist view of election and predestination, there are different views as well. But, and I say this from experience, to worry and scare yourself to death about election and which view of it is correct is a waste of time, as at the end of the day Jesus saves, not election.).

 

[fdsfndls]

Getting to know God is part of the process. The more you understand him, the more things fall into place.
Some christians are full of platitudes of 'God loves you' 'just repent' jesus is a big strong fairy with lovely wings.
Kind of irritating. If they ever knew what you'd actually done - would they run screaming? (or at least sidle away cautiously.)
Knowing God helps remove doubts. The better we understand his nature the easier it is to understand salvation and his view towards people.

I hate people. Not everyone, but I've seen some ugly things in life. I'm a christian because I know God is fair. Not because he 'saves' me - not because I think I'm better then everyone else and 'deserve' it.
God is nice. I found that out through experience.
I trust God. He proves himself to me every day. Only because I've decided to get on this journey.
If God were unfair, I wouldn't bother. People are too cruel.

Imagine Jesus as a human being who never did anything wrong. Now picture him voluntarily going to such a dreadful death SO that people (whoever they were) could have the chance to turn their lives around.
Not to be perfect. Not to wave a magic wand and say 'now I'm going to heaven' - but to get the chance to turn their lives around and start living the opposite way. The right way. Begin a journey. That's the good news.

Christianity isn't about 'better' or 'unsaved' it's about right and wrong. The opportunity to walk with God and live our lives in a way that's right. Not perfect.

Do you want to walk the right direction or the wrong one. How can one be 'good enough' to make that decision. Up or down (the road) that's pretty much what you're facing. If you want to go up, then just start walking. Jesus made the sacrifice, he doesn't make it every day for you. Don't let that be wasted. Get on the right path and just keep on moving.

 

[1watchman]

Friend, you might FEEL "unwanted", but you ARE wanted by God (read John 3:16). Here is a note to think about:

THE OBJECT OF FAITH​

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'Tis not thy look that saves, 'tis not thy trust;​

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'Tis not thy coming, and yet come thou must;​

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'Tis not believing which redeems the soul,​

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Nor is it faith that makes the sinner whole.​

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'Tis Christ the object upon whom you rest,​

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In whom the sinner is both saved and blest.​

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"He that hath the Son, hath life"​

- 1 Jn.5:12

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[author unknown; forw. by Wm. Knapp, 5/07]​