Honoring a very difficult mother

[SushiLover]

Hi Everyone,

I'm interested in some serious weigh-ins on this subject! I'm a middle-aged, happily married mom of six who is having serious relational issues with my own mom. I want to honor her in order to bring honor to Christ, but I'm at a breaking point. I honestly believe that she has a mental disorder (either Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder); my only sibling concurs that something is very wrong. To go through all the background would take 10 screens, so I'll try and keep it brief and to-the-point: Throughout my marriage, she's kept a photo up on her wall of my old boyfriend. It took five confrontations for her to finally give it to me, and I destroyed it. She has been giving me unsolicited updates on old boyfriends for almost 30 years, and I finally had the guts to ask her to stop (she's scary - that's why I didn't ask but would just listen in silence). She was displeased with my engagement to my husband, who is a wonderful, godly man; she had something negative to say about each of my pregnancy announcements. She has belittled several of my children TO THEIR FACES and in front of others. She has corrected my children right in front of me. She criticizes choices I've made as an adult and has also said negative things to others about me IN MY PRESENCE! My dad, the classic enabler, raised me on "You can't ever tell her she's wrong" and
Whatever you do, don't make her mad!" She's horribly critical of him to others in his presence. (Did I mention that she's a believer)? There is much, much more, but I'm just giving you the light version in order to 'frame' the issue. So in February I wrote her a letter in which I told her that I loved her and needed to set some boundaries and explained to her that my desire is to have an authentic, adult relationship with her. I was kind but firm, and it terrified me to send it. She waited a full two weeks to respond - by letter - and her tone was angry. While she said that she was sorry for all the pain she's "apparently" caused me, she went on to say that she had no memory of certain events and "IF" she did those things, then she was sorry. She then wrote nearly two pages about how she never holds grudges and how she always forgives. (Remember above where my dad said those two statements? Well, they still hold true to this day). I wrote her back to say that this wasn't about forgiveness at all but was about setting boundaries and calling out certain destructive behavior toward my children that needed to stop. I thanked her for writing. That was in February. In every interaction since then, she has been as frosty as a flagpole in Siberia. She wants very little to do with me at all. I have her only grandchildren, and she seems disinterested in them, too. I honestly don't know how to deal with this, given that she has a history of denying her misbehavior, no matter who confronts her on it. I see that she's trying to punish me with the silent treatment, of course, like she has done off and on for years, but it's never gone on this long. Can anyone relate? How do I honor her when she is treating me like dirt under her shoe and will not talk about any of this? HELP! THANK YOU!!!

 

[Johnnz]

My mother was like yours. In all likelihood she won't ever change. Consequently, you will need to be quite clear about the limits of contact with her. Honouring with mother like that is never running her down, being realistic about her with others if really necessary, probably limiting contact, and learn to let her barbs go over your head as best you can.

John
NZ

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

. i am really sorry that you are having these troubles.what about just grabbing her by the hand one day and saying "mom, please? please just sit with me a moment, and lets pray" and then very kindly pray to our Lord, asking Him to help mend whatever is broken and allow your relationship to be restored. ?


i also want you to know that i have just said a prayer for you. and here is a big hug!!

 

[paul1149]

My mom was quite a bit like that, and we had friction for a long time. I would leave the family, then go back. I did that a few times. I went back one last time, because she now was advanced in years and I did not want her to leave this world alone (though I have a sister still alive, and there are grandchildren). We had a season of wonderful affection, as I would call her every Sunday evening. But really, nothing had changed, and eventually she began transgressing boundaries in a very big way. I finally had had enough and vowed not to return unless there was repentance.

That never happened, and now she's gone. I do not regret my decision to leave the family. It can be difficult, but if we're to be free we cannot allow people to walk over what is precious in our lives. We cannot allow the strongholds of previous generations to impress themselves on the current and future generations.

As John says, there is a sin which does not lead unto death. There are gray areas where we can work with people while we pray for them. But when the offense is too great, it is time to take action. Each of us has to determine where that boundary is. I think you've taken steps in the right direction, and I pray the Lord fills you with peace and strength and wisdom to know your course and be able to follow it.

 

[Zalu]

I think it's right of you to cut contact with her down heavily or not at all. When I first read the quote "(Did I mention she's a believer?)", the first thing that popped into mind was "No she isn't." Understand that while you're not in contact with her, it's better for you & your family. If she is a true Christian, that time will be used to help her grow in Christ and there may be reconciliation between you guys. If need be, you have the authority to rebuke her. In private of course, and tell her what's up.

 

[joey_downunder]

I also have a very difficult mother who is able to hide that side of her to everyone but our immediate family. Even my very strong social worker sister finds it hard to deal with her. I am fortunate to have moved a long way from my mother and I keep my contact with her to an absolute minimum for my own mental health's sake.

I found this christian website Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families quite a while back and I kept it on my favourites list. It comforted me in seeing that there are plenty of people who go through what we do but it was sad for the same reason.

Honestly if she is as bad as you say, if she is refusing to talk to you unless necessary you should be rejoicing that God has given you the easy way out! You sound like you have been very respectful towards her under the circumstances.

 

[lutherangerman]

If she is a believer maybe you can get her to invite her to a talk with a good pastor. My own mother is a good and gentle woman but sometimes she doesn't see or want to admit some things which are troublesome for me. About one of these things I have been able to convince her that we need to talk about it together with a pastor. We went to the pastor and talked and the result was VERY VERY good. Maybe it's worth a shot for you too.

 

[SushiLover]

Thank you, everyone, for these thoughtful responses. One thing is for certain: There sure are a lot of us who live with difficult mothers! I appreciate your suggestions and have also been able to experience some healing during this time of limited contact. She used to phone me once a week but has not called since I sent the letter, so now the burden of contact is on me. In some ways this is easier. In my letter I wrote that I wanted to apologize for the tension in our relationship and to try and rectify it. She replied in hers that she had no idea there was any tension whatsoever. This is what makes it so difficult to deal with her. Denial, denial, denial. My brother said that when she visited him earlier in the month, she was "all smiles" with him. So she can definitely turn it off and on. I know she's a wounded person and have compassion about that, but I believe she's also dangerous. Again, thank you all for your time and suggestions. God bless you all.

 

[seajoy]

I had to write a letter like that to my father. He responded the same way as your mother, and told me I was going to hell for writing such a letter. I cut off all contact for 4 years. He learned a lot in those 4 years. He no longer tries to run my life. We have a bit of a fakey relationship, but at least he behaves himself (for lack of a better term).

Also, it is your duty to protect your children from abuse. Emotional abuse or any other kind. God has given you your children to care for. This is hurting your whole family.

I pray you have the strength to handle this situation.

 

[SushiLover]

Thanks, seajoy! You've given me hope that maybe the Lord is using this time to reveal some things to her - and to me, too, of course. But like you endured, I'm prepared for a very long "winter."

 

[rockc]

I just joined this forum to get some advice for the very same thing. I moved back to my home town 10 years ago and it seems to be getting worse. My mother brought us up as a single mom living with our grandmother... it was not easy for my mom and I understand that. My sister died as a teenager from a genetic illness that my brother also has. I know she has alot on her plate, but, I am the one that came back to care for her as she gets older and I am the one that she is always finding fault with me and belittling my husband. So many times out of the blue I just get the silent treatment... I get so confused as I do not know what I have ever done. She just seems so angry at me... I have a good marriage and 2 children. My husband has aspergers syndrome and has some social struggles that go along with it, but, he always helps her out. I love taking her grocery shopping and she is usually happy then, but, it always changes at some point... she has even hung up the phone on me and at times will not answer when she knows it is me. I have tried to talk to her, but, she denies everything and gets angry. I have just taken it and wait it out until she gets over it. I am convinced that she has some type of personality disorder. I love her and want to honor her, but, can not cope with the wounds anymore. As a christain I want to be there for her until the end... any advice from anyone?

 

[SushiLover]

I just want to send you a hug. I still don't have any answers, either, but I am praying for my mom more now than I was before. That's the only power I really have in my situation - the power of the Holy Spirit! I'm sorry your mom is treating you so badly; it sounds like you have your own challenges but are doing the best you can with them, but it's not enough for her. I hope someone else can shed more light and encouragement!

 

[briareos]

Whats up with the crazy women?

Oh I'm kidding, I owe my mother and my wonderful wife so much, I never deserved either of them and I am so thankful for the wonderful women in my life.

A six year old once said
"The best way to learn how to love is to start with someone you hate"

That being said, as others have said lay out the bottom line, she doesn't own you or control you or dictate your life anymore and it's not your job to defrost her. She's a grown woman she knows she's wrong set the boundaries and live your life, you aren't each others responsibility anymore if she refuses to come around she will answer for it. Also Pray, prayer changes lives

 

[cushla4]

My mother is a nightmare and is narcissisticm, I am the scapegoat and my sister the golden child. She has terrorised me for 45years. I got married last month and she verbally abused me when she had me on her own and upset me so much that I along with my husband left the wedding at 8pm just after that. We have had no contact since.

My entire life has been ruled by her.

I am a Christian and so am really battling with how I move on from here, and how I am supposed to honour her. Everyday is taken up with worrying over this and the guilt of not wanting her in my life when I know that, that diepleases Jesus.

 

[paul1149]

I am a Christian and so am really battling with how I move on from here, and how I am supposed to honour her. Everyday is taken up with worrying over this and the guilt of not wanting her in my life when I know that, that diepleases Jesus.

Hi cushla,

We get into trouble when we don't consider the full counsel of God. It's very easy to take a few scriptures out of context, when they've been drilled into our souls from the earliest, most vulnerable age. We go around, unaware that there are filters on our lenses, not knowing we're seeing a distorted picture.

OT law and conscience demand that we honor our parents. But the letter kills, while the Spirit gives life (2Cor 3:6). Jesus adds this to the mix:

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -Matt 10:37

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. -Luke 14:26
​

Jesus must come first, even before our own lives, let alone our parents. If any relationship is working counter to His lordship in our lives, that relationship must be altered or abandoned.

There is a time for turning the other cheek or walking the second mile. Sometimes doing so sets the stage for change. But that is not always the case. Plenty of times Jesus stood up to evil and exposed it, just as Eph. 5.11 tells us to do. In general, unrepented abuse marks the death of a relationship.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. -Gal 5.1​

Jesus came to set us free. If we take our stand on that, and use it as our guiding star when making decisions, and do so in the nurturing and protective power of His love, we will not go wrong.