Honesty & Personal Ads

[mwb]

I've mentioned that I have set one up & a week ago I said hello to someone.

According to her profile, she has finally been online recently. She has not replied to my message yet.

There may be many reasons why she may not & I've been there before. Of course if the fact that I'm not working & living with my parents (although these are not related) could be a reason.

I've put that piece of bad news in my profile for a good reason. I also included some of my interests & that I'm a down to earth, honest guy. I want someone who sees things are not going great for me at the moment but I have many other great qualities & issues like not working & where I'm living are temporary. I also leave out that when I am working I can make the amount of money she prefers & that for all she knows, I could have money in the bank.

I could sugar coat myself but I want to find the person who sees the good in me. It's not like I'm asking someone to marry me tomorrow. Just someone who will grow with me over the next few months as my situation hopefully improves.

 

[Jenster]

Hmm... I don't have any answers for you, mwb. Just the observation that the risk of personal ads is that they make it easy to dismiss someone based on "unknown" factors. Like if a woman puts in her bio that she's overweight, guys may gloss over her because they don't even want to find out HOW much overweight she is, or whether she's currently dieting and exercising or something.

If someone doesn't know you from Adam (or Eve), they don't tend to want to give you much of a chance. I think that's just human nature. Probably also why people who show their photos are much more likely to get replies than someone who doesn't - because the photo-less person is more of an "unknown quantity."

 

[mwb]

My post was probably a rant so there's not much anyone can say. A big advantage is that online personals give people the opportunity to get to know one another without the emotion. I doubt I would ever be smitten by looking at a photo but maybe some people really want to feel something by looking at a photo.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Unfortunately, with online personals, I think some people are probably "more rude" over the 'net (ex. if she isn't interested she just won't respond) as opposed to real life. I agree with Jenster, because online (IMO) is very impersonal, its really easy to dismiss people.

It will be ok mwb. It says alot about you that you're honest enough to put your living/work situation on there. Please believe there are probably other men in your exact situation posting personal ads online, but conveinnently leave that information out in order to look "good".

 

[FlatpickingJD]

I agree w/Jenster and BeautyForAshes, fwiw. It is very easy to dismiss people over the 'net. One of my policies was to respond to everyone who sent me a msg, regardless of whether I wanted to pursue anything just because I thought it was the right thing to do. Most I contacted were not so inclined.

At one site I know of, you could put down how much you earn. One person I know on the site did an experiment, because he got so few responses. So he varied his income from the low range (which was up to $35k), to 'will say later,' to the high end ($100k or more). He literally got 10x more responses when he put the high end down, than either of the others combined. He pulled his profile because of the superficiality. I think the 'net makes it easier to focus on that.

Don't give up hope, though, because there are women out there who will see you for the quality guy you are and will respond. Take my word for it.

 

[SFBUK]

I understand how you feel, it's soul destroying when you don't get a reply back from someone on a dating site. In particular if it's someone you have corresponded with before. I too am honest, in particular about my size, and it does seem to put some men off.

Personally the issue about money isn't important to me, but whether or not a man works or is seeking employment is I must admit. I guess this is just personal, as I have had experience of men who really don't want to work but are looking for a woman to support him. However I don't think this would prevent me from responding to someone who has contacted me.

I'm also wary of posting my picture - again sometimes people can be very cruel, but I guess they should see what there getting (at least what's on the outside )

I wish you well MBW, you certainly sound like a lovely guy from the posts of yours that I've read so far.

SFB

 

[mwb]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I've been rejected on personal sites before so it's not a big deal. I find I would like to know why sometimes. People are missing out because they are so particular or judgemental (not just of me but in general).

 

[country woman]

well dont give up there is some one for you. She will come when you least excpect it. Romance is funny that way.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Honestly I don't think that you should even post your living status on your bio. As far as your job situation I would hope that you would put something like, in transition. A plain old "not working" would probably put me off. My ex-h saw nothing wrong with me being the bread winner for 95% of our marriage and I want to make sure that I don't end up with anyone else who doesn't have a good work ethic.

My kids and I live with my mom and sometimes I share this after we've started talking on the phone or sometimes on a first date. I used to be more sensitive about it, but I've never had any bad feedback about it so it's not really a big deal. I got to know someone on the internet who was living with his parents and working part-time while he was making some career changes. That didn't bother me. What did bother me was that he didn't look anything like his picture and he was very hard to talk to in person. Made me think I was emailing someone totally different.

 

[mwb]

I don't blame a woman if she was uncomfortable with getting involved with someone who is not working. But at the same time, I'm looking for someone who sees that but is willing to at least get to know the situation & me a little better before making a final decision.

There could have been many reasons why this person didn't respond. I'm probably better off not pursuing anyone until I can get myself back on track

 

[covenant914]

I have never used personal ads - but I have considered them and still do. I would appreciate a quick rejection if I received one. It is not like there is only one person you can truly be happy with. Cast your net wider and get another fish.

I would, however, have certain rules, if I posted an online personal ad.

1. Total honesty. I would give it. I would expect it.
(not to say that things cannot be left out - no need for dirty laundry online). Any lie would end the relationship immediately.

2. Photo. Looks are important. If you do not think so - you are lying. Or you think you are ugly. Everyone is appealing to someone. Women lie about looks and they lie about lying about looks. Do you think Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are rich and famous because they are fine actors? Or Bon Jovi because of his musical ability? Please.

3. Separate fantasy from reality. If you ride horse regularly put it in your ad. If you like the idea of riding horses, do not say you like riding horses. Do not put long walks on the beach if you live in Iowa. Do not say "jazz" if you do not know who the Marsalis family is.

4. Space/Time continuum. Do not contact me in North Carolina if you live in Alaska.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have never used personal ads - but I have considered them and still do. I would appreciate a quick rejection if I received one. It is not like there is only one person you can truly be happy with. Cast your net wider and get another fish.

I would, however, have certain rules, if I posted an online personal ad.

1. Total honesty. I would give it. I would expect it.
(not to say that things cannot be left out - no need for dirty laundry online). Any lie would end the relationship immediately.

2. Photo. Looks are important. If you do not think so - you are lying. Or you think you are ugly. Everyone is appealing to someone. Women lie about looks and they lie about lying about looks. Do you think Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are rich and famous because they are fine actors? Or Bon Jovi because of his musical ability? Please.

3. Separate fantasy from reality. If you ride horse regularly put it in your ad. If you like the idea of riding horses, do not say you like riding horses. Do not put long walks on the beach if you live in Iowa. Do not say "jazz" if you do not know who the Marsalis family is.

4. Space/Time continuum. Do not contact me in North Carolina if you live in Alaska.

About the photo-yeah I want to see one, but I am trying to be very open about looks because I want the beautiful heart first and foremost. I was even considering someone who looked pretty obese in his picture, but had a pleasant face. He ended up putting me on hold. But, I would need someone who was capable of walking with me and not keeling over.

 

[jenelis]

I thought I'd throw my two cents in too....

Honesty is, of course, ALWAYS the best policy. It seems to me you all are discussing degrees of honesty. Vague at first is still honest. There's things about all of us that are probably pretty unattractive if we just blurt it out in a personal ad. Kind of like wearing a conservative outfit or a bikini. Leave some details to the imagination and once you build a raport, then you can "shed" details as appropriate.

...but don't listen to me! I'm a divorced mom with NO CLUE how to date!!!!!

 

[OhhJim]

I would take that information off my profile immediately. Why give them an extra reason to cross you off their list?

All you're doing by using a dating site, is to meet more and different people. Let them get to know you, don't put barriers in their way. Besides, some women will condemn you for not being clever enough to avoid that sort of deal-breaker.

It might be different if you were habitually out of work, and have usually lived at home. It's like wearing an ugly shirt for your photo-why define yourself in that way?

 

[mwb]

I've found that it's easier to not try to meet anyone through online personals at the moment. I subscribed for a month & I have since cancelled my subscription. My time would be better spent working on being self-employed. It probably doesn't pay to be too honest anyway.

 

[jenelis]

It probably doesn't pay to be too honest anyway.

tsk tsk. I beg to differ. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Again, its just the degree of honesty!!!!

 

[OhhJim]

"Honesty" does not equal "Disclosure". I assume we all have things about us that we would not divulge to strangers.

 

[jenelis]

"Honesty" does not equal "Disclosure".

Excellent point! I agree.

But I still stick with my earlier statements... bikini comments. Basically... if you're an onion, peel just one layer at a time!!!

 

[Craft]

I've mentioned that I have set one up & a week ago I said hello to someone.

According to her profile, she has finally been online recently. She has not replied to my message yet.

There may be many reasons why she may not & I've been there before. Of course if the fact that I'm not working & living with my parents (although these are not related) could be a reason.

I've put that piece of bad news in my profile for a good reason. I also included some of my interests & that I'm a down to earth, honest guy. I want someone who sees things are not going great for me at the moment but I have many other great qualities & issues like not working & where I'm living are temporary. I also leave out that when I am working I can make the amount of money she prefers & that for all she knows, I could have money in the bank.

I could sugar coat myself but I want to find the person who sees the good in me. It's not like I'm asking someone to marry me tomorrow. Just someone who will grow with me over the next few months as my situation hopefully improves.

Keep your chin up, stuff happens, just keep faith in yourself and God.

 

[Craft]

Always tell the truth, that way you never have to remember a lie, lol