Honestly....did I overreact?

[suzybeezy]

Just curious what kind of discussions you've had with him about the situations. What kind of response does he give you? Sounds like, to me, that you both are on different pages and may not be going down the same path in regards to what kind of marriage you both want. That makes things very difficult in a marriage. Without respect and trust, there's no foundation to build your relationship on. Those basic principles need to get ironed out. Have you suggested counseling?

 

[Lorie]

He told me he wanted me to treat him like a man. So I did. For three months I didn't say one word to him about why he didn't come home, where he went, where his money was, nothing. I treated him like the head of household. I let him be responsible for himself, me and the house hoping that if I did it that way he would act like a man instead of a child. He just started going out more, smoking more weed, not paying the bills, and basically enjoying the fact that I wasn't treating him like a "little boy"

So u think letting him do whatever he wants is treating him like a man??? I dont think so!

 

[searle29678]

No, it wasn't really doing whatever he wants. I just didn't keep tabs on him like I did before. That is the reason he gave me for acting so crazy. "If you would stop acting like my mother and treat me like your husband, I might act different"
So, as hard as it was, I did. I just didn't nag him. When he came home instead of saying "And just where have you been all night" I would just ask him if he had a good time and give him a hug and trot off back to bed. I tried to understand where he was coming from. For a little while he straightened up like he always does, and then it got to be too much. He says he gets bored sitting at home with me. We do the same things he does with his friends....watch tv, play video games, sometimes go fishing, etc...The only difference between me and them is that I don't smoke weed and cuss like a sailor or look at porn. I'm really at my wit's end. It isn't my job to "let" him do anything. It's my job to be his wife. If he doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain what can I do other than pray and seek advice and anything that will help. I have told him time and time again that all I want is a husband who respects me, wants to support his family, and raise a Christian family. I try to stay consistent with that every time we talk so he knows that I'm not asking for the world, just a good decent God fearing husband.

 

[Lorie]

he just sounds to immature to be a husband.

 

[Evie]

No, it wasn't really doing whatever he wants. I just didn't keep tabs on him like I did before. That is the reason he gave me for acting so crazy. "If you would stop acting like my mother and treat me like your husband, I might act different"
So, as hard as it was, I did. I just didn't nag him. When he came home instead of saying "And just where have you been all night" I would just ask him if he had a good time and give him a hug and trot off back to bed. I tried to understand where he was coming from. For a little while he straightened up like he always does, and then it got to be too much. He says he gets bored sitting at home with me. We do the same things he does with his friends....watch tv, play video games, sometimes go fishing, etc...The only difference between me and them is that I don't smoke weed and cuss like a sailor or look at porn. I'm really at my wit's end. It isn't my job to "let" him do anything. It's my job to be his wife. If he doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain what can I do other than pray and seek advice and anything that will help. I have told him time and time again that all I want is a husband who respects me, wants to support his family, and raise a Christian family. I try to stay consistent with that every time we talk so he knows that I'm not asking for the world, just a good decent God fearing husband.

praying for you both!!!

 

[InTheFlame]

searle - *hug* personal opinion... I think rehab could be good for him. Can you make sure it's one that's based on the 12-step program? While there're probably MANY good rehab programs out there, the old 12-step approach seems to be consistently holistic (ie. deals with many aspects of a person's life) across all the different organisations.

 

[WashedClean]

Searle - does your husband hold down a job? It sounds like he doesn't want any responsibility. This is a really tough spot to be in. Will he go to counseling?

You will definitely be in my prayers!

WashedClean

 

[lonnienord]

yup you need: 1. Prayers (which i and several here are doing) 2. Counseling for both of you. 3. A Marrage retreat. 4. A slightly older couple to mentor you. 5. Pray together!! 4 two days together praying / laughing / talking being together. No TV. If you both enjoy the same music play it. Sing together, dance make love be totally together fall in love again. Pizza delivered. Cook and clean together etc.

all forJESUS!! (please JESUS bless this couple, help them successfully get through this tough time so they can unite in doing the work you have them to do together for your kindgdom!!)
lonnie

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Atta girl, set some boundaries, you do have a choice, just accept him for who he is, after all that's our lot as christians? Especially if that's how he was before you got married (uggg, it really doesn't make sense to me why people in this forum ask "was he this way before you got married" as if if the answer is yes than it's your lot to put up with something...) or you can give him an ultimatum (forgive my spelling) to try to get him to change a behavior. I'll tell you this, I have used divorce as an ultimatum with my hubby in the past when he just would not listen to anything I said.... because I was miserable and seriously discontent in our marriage.... is threatening with divorce the best thing to do or even a good thing? It would seem not, especially as a christian, but what's the alternative? Be like my mother in law and "just trust in Jesus" and be miserable in marriage for 40 plus years because it's ungodly to make waves? I'll tell you what, maybe it wasn't the most christian thing to do, however I really was miserable and becoming hopeless, I had to be heard, and it wasn't until I actually did seperate from my husband after 1 1/2 years of marriage with the intent to divorce, and I'll tell you, I was serious, he thought it was going to just blow over and everything would be ok....... so he went along with it at first, gave me money and everything, however, once he realized I really did not care about our marriage any more, and that I was serious, our communication got real good real quick, we never had such good communication, and he even acknowledged that it is a lot easier to understand me and my needs when he actually listened, as opposed to blowing my complaints off as nags..... and well, by a miracle of God our marriage was saved, because he fought hard for our marriage, I realize not every guy would do that and for that I am blessed. But my point is that yes, I make waves, even still though divorce hasn't been a topic for about 1 year now in our conversation..... chances are you hubby won't stop smoking mj unless he really wants to.... he can put up a front and try his best to please you, yet he'll probably sneak around and be dishonest unless he really wants to quit. You have a choice as to what you'll do about it, and only you and God know what you will and won't do....... However, this is a two way deal here, and it really is a problem if he isn't respecting your feelings because you are his wife, and I don't care if the two of you were stone heads together for years before you got married, if this is something you have a problem with, than he ought to respect it, bottom line!!!! Because your his wife, and you should be his first priority, not anything else, including getting high with his friends. If he doesn't like it, well, than he has his own choices to make, because like you made vows to him, he made them to you also...... Off for now, keep us posted.

HB

 

[InTheFlame]

Searle - just another point that occurs to me. You really need a consistent method of behaviour towards him, consistent boundaries, etc. I don't think it's really possible (or probably desirable) to get as in-depth as you'd need to on here. A better option would be to sit down with a qualified counsellor and work out a well-thought-out plan for dealing with these problems.

 

[searle29678]

I know....I just wondered when I posted this if anyone else out there thought that it was going overboard to get upset as I did about him leaving in the middle of the night without me knowing. If the man had a horrible headache and needed to go get aspirin, that is one thing but to sneak out of the house because he is bored is something totally different. Maybe I just grew up in a home where my dad wasn't like this and I can't understand why it would be ok to up and leave at 2am because you are bored and your wife's asleep. I'm not really looking for a perfect solution on here, I'm just looking to see if someone out there or the majority out there would have been as upset as I was. Since I can't seem to get the effort out of my husband to go to counseling right now I want to see if maybe something I am doing is making this worse. I know that we have some pretty in depth issues to deal with. I just wanted to use this as a sounding board so I could find out if my actions are making him act this way. I'm desperate enough to think that this is all my fault.

 

[lonnienord]

it makes sense to me that you are upset!! It seems to me that a compromise would be good. Like maybe he could leave a note saying that he is going for a walk and will be back and loves you.

anyway back to the question. YES it does seem weird and NO you are not overreacting!!

 

[suzybeezy]

I know....I just wondered when I posted this if anyone else out there thought that it was going overboard to get upset as I did about him leaving in the middle of the night without me knowing. If the man had a horrible headache and needed to go get aspirin, that is one thing but to sneak out of the house because he is bored is something totally different. Maybe I just grew up in a home where my dad wasn't like this and I can't understand why it would be ok to up and leave at 2am because you are bored and your wife's asleep. I'm not really looking for a perfect solution on here, I'm just looking to see if someone out there or the majority out there would have been as upset as I was. Since I can't seem to get the effort out of my husband to go to counseling right now I want to see if maybe something I am doing is making this worse. I know that we have some pretty in depth issues to deal with. I just wanted to use this as a sounding board so I could find out if my actions are making him act this way. I'm desperate enough to think that this is all my fault.

In my opinion, you did not overreact. I would be mad too! But I think what would make me the most mad is the fact that this is not the only thing he's doing that is causing you distress.

People may not like this opinion here, but, what would happen if you got up at 2 a.m. and just went out? Would he be mad? I mean, do you take time out and go out with your friends separate from him? Ever go out and return with no explanation? How would he react if he received the same treatment he gives you? I don't think he would appreciate it too much.

 

[heartnsoul]

Since I can't seem to get the effort out of my husband to go to counseling right now I want to see if maybe something I am doing is making this worse. I know that we have some pretty in depth issues to deal with. I just wanted to use this as a sounding board so I could find out if my actions are making him act this way. I'm desperate enough to think that this is all my fault.

If you can't convince your husband to go to marital counseling, then I suggest that you go by yourself. Do you see how this destructive, dysfunctional marriage has eroded your self esteem and causing you to doubt yourself? Your last sentence above is a clear indication of how the problems in your marriage has now negatively affected your mind and thinking.

Please do yourself a favor and seek counseling soon. It's time to take action to positively change your life and marriage around. Complaining and seeking opinions is fine, but ultimately, you need to do something or the situation will continually worsen. I pray that you find the strength and courage to do the right thing and begin taking steps in the right direction in efforts to build a healthy, godly marriage.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

There seems to be a lot of good input in the responses, for some reason I like the compromise one also, that he atleast leave you a note because I think what is important, atleast for me would be that I know I'm valued and loved by my hubby. If he atleast made an effort to show you some respect by atleast leaving you a note, and maybe promise a time he'll be back........ but, the question is, why is he hiding things? He must be doing this out of a guilty conscience, and even if a note were left for me, I'd still be upset wondering what he was out doing....... going to couseling for yourself is also a very good idea, because than you'll have a regular support person that can actually really help give you an outside view and offer some helpful solutions..... truth is you cannot change someone, I'll try to remember to pray for you two, because what we cannot do in and of ourselves, the lord can.......... do your part, be an example. I think he has hisself a good wife because you are truly making an effort to do what is right by him and for your marriage. I think you are showing a lot of patience and effort, bravo! God Bless.

HB

 

[searle29678]

I don't want anyone to think that he is a horrible person. I feel like I may have portrayed him as some sort of ogre, but that is not the case. We can get along very well and we really love each other. He just doesn't seem to think that what he is doing is wrong. He is slowly starting to realize that it isn't right which would account for him sneaking around, for a long time he would do this sort of stuff very blatantly and not care. He grew up with no supervision, no father, only friends. His friends are slightly older than him and sort of raised him. They showed him how to be who he is and it is hard for him to break away from that. I can see that is trying, but it gets frustrating when he just doesn't seem to care what he is doing to me in the moment. He feels badly after everything is said and done, I just don't know how to get him to think about the consequences beforehand. He considers these people to be his family and whatever they want to do, he has a hard time saying no because he feels he owes them something. So, if they call at 2am wanting to go out instead of just saying no he tries to balance himself between his home responsiblilities and his need for these friends of his. "Well, she is asleep and they want to go somewhere, what can it hurt if she doesn't even notice I'm gone?" I don't want him out with them because they have a history of getting arrested, drinking and driving, and going to clubs. The last thing I want to experience is waking up for work only to find my husband isn't home because he was in a drunk driving accident. So, that is some of the issue. He really is a decent person, he just doesn't know when to say when.

 

[Lorie]

I"Well, she is asleep and they want to go somewhere, what can it hurt if she doesn't even notice I'm gone?" I don't want him out with them because they have a history of getting arrested, drinking and driving, and going to clubs. The last thing I want to experience is waking up for work only to find my husband isn't home because he was in a drunk driving accident. So, that is some of the issue. He really is a decent person, he just doesn't know when to say when.

He needs to tell these so called friends that he can not go with them and if they were really his FRIENDS they would know better. how old are the "friends" 15??
none of them have any respect for marriage sounds like. maybe u need to talk to the friends??

 

[searle29678]

The friends and me don't get along at all! I understand that no one can take responsibility for another person totally, but Robert was driving my car one night while on many pills, marijuana, and one too many beers. They knew that he was swerving and running red lights....couldn't even stand up....they were in the car with him, thought it was funny. When it was time for everyone to go home every single one of them refused to let him stay at their house, they made him drive home. On the way home, he got arrested. (Thank God he got arrested otherwise he could have killed someone or been killed himself) They think it's so funny that they made him drive. I haven't been able to get along with them since then because they show no remorse. I get so mad when they start talking about that. I can't even imagine letting my best friend drive home like that. We have gotten in fist fights practically because I wouldn't let her drive when she had been drinking. I can't talk to these people because they think this sort of thing is funny. "You are so cute when you are mad, no wonder Robert stays with you" If I hear that one more time I'm gonna scream!