Honest Question About Intimacy and Expectations in Christian Marriage

[NervousChristian93]

Hi everyone,


This is really hard for me to write, but I’m hoping to ask a question in a safe, understanding place. I’ve been wrestling with some very personal feelings, and I’m looking for kind, faith-based insight—especially from Christian women who have experience in marriage and intimacy.

I’m 31 years old, and I’ve been a Christian my whole life. Since I was about 11, I’ve known I was attracted to men. I’ve done my best to live with integrity, and I’ve remained a virgin. But around 28, I started feeling genuinely curious about dating women. It’s taken me time to admit that out loud, and even more time to imagine that maybe, just maybe, marriage with a woman could be part of God’s plan for me.

Recently, I had a vulnerable conversation with a male friend (he’s not Christian, but he did wait for marriage) about his first experience with his wife. I shared with him some of my own fears, and one of the things I admitted was that I’m very self-conscious about the size of my penis—it’s smaller than average. He told me about something called a “penis sleeve,” which is basically a device that adds length and is sometimes used by couples. I had never heard of this before, and it made me wonder…

Would a Christian wife be okay with that? Or even without it? Is something like that helpful or would it feel impersonal or uncomfortable in a moment that’s meant to be about deep trust and love? I don’t want a future wife to feel let down, but I also don’t want to rely on something that might feel unnatural or disappointing to her. I truly want to love and serve a wife well—emotionally, spiritually, and physically—and I don’t know what’s reasonable to hope for or expect.

This is all really vulnerable to share, and I’m sorry if it’s awkward—I just don’t have anyone else I feel safe enough to ask. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any loving, honest advice.

With respect,
A Very Nervous and Hopeful Brother in Christ

 

[PloverWing]

This is really something you'd have to talk to your partner about. Some couples (including Christian couples) use various toys in the bedroom, and others do not. Different people have different preferences about the toys they do, and don't, enjoy using.

By the time you're emotionally intimate enough with a person to be considering marriage, you should be close enough to talk frankly about sex. Tell her honestly about your insecurities. (I'm pretty sure she'll have insecurities about her own body, too -- most women do.) If there are toys you'd like to explore using, tell her about that. Maybe she has some toys she's interested in too. Conversations like this are a good and important part of preparation for marriage.

I really like that you want to love and serve your future wife and make her happy. Ultimately, that kind of caring will matter more than measurements of body parts.