Hi:
I hope this testimony blesses and encourages someone. On Nov 3, 2012 after yielding yet again to homosexual desires, I browsed this very forum for the first time on what I could do to get rid of these unwanted desires. Fortunately for me, someone had posted that question and another person responded with a link to the Door of Hope class at the Setting Captives Free website. I registered for the class immediately and I can honestly say that I have not indulged in any homosexual activity in any way you want to define it (either thinking about it or doing it) since Nov 6, 2012.
God is good and I'm currently experiencing the longest period of deliverance in thought and practice of homosexuality. I'm 44 years old and was in bondage to homosexuality since I was 14 years old. I kept this a secret for 30 years of my life.
On Nov 6, I decided that my lifelong goal was to practice a life that pleases God. I knew I could not do it by myself (as I had failed miserably so many times) so I realized the need to look onto Jesus who is the author and finisher of my faith - I know He is rooting for me, He knows the pressure of this sin, but also desires for me to live a Holy and blameless life which is one of the reasons He died on the cross.
The turning point for me was repentance with Godly sorrow. Although I had been born again for 20 years (I was active in church and taught Sunday school) and repented for ungodly ways, I was not repentant in the area of homosexuality because I was not truly sorry although I did not know this at the time. The reason why I kept sinning and repenting and sinning and repenting, .... was because I did not have any Godly sorrow.
Some time ago I read Psalm 51, which King David wrote after getting Uriah killed and was visited by the prophet Nathan. I thought to myself, King David ought to be that repentant after all he got a man killed. I really could not relate that deeply with the chapter because I had never killed a man before. I had to tell God that I did not feel sorry (as King David felt) for the sins I committed. So I prayed to God to give me that Godly sorrow that will make me truly repentant.
The response came immediately. There one was a man who was rich in the pleasures of this world. There was another man who was poor in the pleasures of this world. One day, the man who was poor in the pleasures of this world was killed for the sins of the man that was rich in the pleasures of this world. I am the rich man and Jesus Christ is the poor man.
I cried aloud continuously after hearing this in my spirit and I still do whenever I think about this. I felt as much grief as if I had run over somebody with my car accidentally. I've been crying a lot since then. I cry a lot when I read the bible now - mostly a joyous cry now. After hearing that story from the Holy Spirit, I finally gathered myself together and then said a prayer of repentance. For the very first time in my life, I truly meant it.
Now when I read about grace in Romans 6, it has a totally different meaning to me. Jesus Christ went into the real holy of holies in the tabernacle in heaven carrying His blood with Him to offer sacrifices for my sins once for all time. I can truly say that He has sprinkled my conscience with His blood to cleanse it of dead works (Heb 9:14). It's as if I have a brand new conscience now. I still get tempted to sin, but I now have a conscience that I did not have before and sinning feels so wrong - I don't want to sin against God.
Here is how sinning and repenting and sinning and repenting works - the Holy Spirit showed me this. So I'm about to sin. I know it's sin and I go ahead anyway. Then I repent or say I'm sorry. Here's what I just did. I'm transported by a time machine to 2000 years ago. Jesus is on the cross, the sins of the world are on Him, he is bleeding profusely, in agony, God has turned His back on Him, people are laughing at Him, mocking Him, cursing Him, He feels lonely and dejected and then I arrive at the scene. And here's what I say - Hi Jesus, I'm sorry I sinned, please can you add my sins to the pile you are carrying. He gladly takes my sins and then I scurry back to 2012 and continue to live my life normally (as if none of that happened) only to sin and do this over and over and over again.
What a selfish human being I was! To see somebody going through all that pain to carry my sins and all I care about is to pile more on Him so I won't have to walk in guilt or go to hell. It really makes me no different from all the other people standing around the cross including the Roman soldiers and the Pharisees. If it wasn't for my sins, He won't be on the cross in the first place. So, I was hoping to find this innocent man (who only wanted to bring the love of God to me) on the cross so I could pile my sins on Him - I'll be doomed if He was not on the cross. I never once identified with His suffering in the way I was supposed to. I was too selfish to. I can't speak for other people in bondage to homosexuality. But for me, I believe this was a major reason why deliverance eluded me all these years.
I have prayed to God to always keep Godly sorrow in a very large compartment in my heart. The cross means much more to me now than it did before. Praise God that Jesus rose from the cross and provided all the wonderful benefits - healing, prosperity, ..... But, its the identification with His emotional, mental and physical pain on the cross that gives me the conscience to keep me from sinning.
These days, when I get tempted to sin, I reflect on how Jesus was led to the cross and how He died just because of His great love for me. The pressure of the sin is reduced significantly in the presence of the overwhelming love I feel. I'll either get sober or start praising Him for what He did for me on the cross out of love.
Jesus Christ did not just die on the cross so that we will not end up in hell. He also died so as to empower us to live a holy life that brings glory to God. It's not by our power or will or strength but by the grace of God. That plan was built into the death and resurrection of Christ.
Rom 6:3-11 (MSG) below makes so much sense to me now. Because, it feels that way and I'm able to relate to it. I got included in Christ's sin-conquering death through repentance with Godly sorrow.
3-5 Thats what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where were going in our new grace-sovereign country.
6-11 Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable lifeno longer at sins every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christs sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. Thats what Jesus did.
Good bless you
I hope this testimony blesses and encourages someone. On Nov 3, 2012 after yielding yet again to homosexual desires, I browsed this very forum for the first time on what I could do to get rid of these unwanted desires. Fortunately for me, someone had posted that question and another person responded with a link to the Door of Hope class at the Setting Captives Free website. I registered for the class immediately and I can honestly say that I have not indulged in any homosexual activity in any way you want to define it (either thinking about it or doing it) since Nov 6, 2012.
God is good and I'm currently experiencing the longest period of deliverance in thought and practice of homosexuality. I'm 44 years old and was in bondage to homosexuality since I was 14 years old. I kept this a secret for 30 years of my life.
On Nov 6, I decided that my lifelong goal was to practice a life that pleases God. I knew I could not do it by myself (as I had failed miserably so many times) so I realized the need to look onto Jesus who is the author and finisher of my faith - I know He is rooting for me, He knows the pressure of this sin, but also desires for me to live a Holy and blameless life which is one of the reasons He died on the cross.
The turning point for me was repentance with Godly sorrow. Although I had been born again for 20 years (I was active in church and taught Sunday school) and repented for ungodly ways, I was not repentant in the area of homosexuality because I was not truly sorry although I did not know this at the time. The reason why I kept sinning and repenting and sinning and repenting, .... was because I did not have any Godly sorrow.
Some time ago I read Psalm 51, which King David wrote after getting Uriah killed and was visited by the prophet Nathan. I thought to myself, King David ought to be that repentant after all he got a man killed. I really could not relate that deeply with the chapter because I had never killed a man before. I had to tell God that I did not feel sorry (as King David felt) for the sins I committed. So I prayed to God to give me that Godly sorrow that will make me truly repentant.
The response came immediately. There one was a man who was rich in the pleasures of this world. There was another man who was poor in the pleasures of this world. One day, the man who was poor in the pleasures of this world was killed for the sins of the man that was rich in the pleasures of this world. I am the rich man and Jesus Christ is the poor man.
I cried aloud continuously after hearing this in my spirit and I still do whenever I think about this. I felt as much grief as if I had run over somebody with my car accidentally. I've been crying a lot since then. I cry a lot when I read the bible now - mostly a joyous cry now. After hearing that story from the Holy Spirit, I finally gathered myself together and then said a prayer of repentance. For the very first time in my life, I truly meant it.
Now when I read about grace in Romans 6, it has a totally different meaning to me. Jesus Christ went into the real holy of holies in the tabernacle in heaven carrying His blood with Him to offer sacrifices for my sins once for all time. I can truly say that He has sprinkled my conscience with His blood to cleanse it of dead works (Heb 9:14). It's as if I have a brand new conscience now. I still get tempted to sin, but I now have a conscience that I did not have before and sinning feels so wrong - I don't want to sin against God.
Here is how sinning and repenting and sinning and repenting works - the Holy Spirit showed me this. So I'm about to sin. I know it's sin and I go ahead anyway. Then I repent or say I'm sorry. Here's what I just did. I'm transported by a time machine to 2000 years ago. Jesus is on the cross, the sins of the world are on Him, he is bleeding profusely, in agony, God has turned His back on Him, people are laughing at Him, mocking Him, cursing Him, He feels lonely and dejected and then I arrive at the scene. And here's what I say - Hi Jesus, I'm sorry I sinned, please can you add my sins to the pile you are carrying. He gladly takes my sins and then I scurry back to 2012 and continue to live my life normally (as if none of that happened) only to sin and do this over and over and over again.
What a selfish human being I was! To see somebody going through all that pain to carry my sins and all I care about is to pile more on Him so I won't have to walk in guilt or go to hell. It really makes me no different from all the other people standing around the cross including the Roman soldiers and the Pharisees. If it wasn't for my sins, He won't be on the cross in the first place. So, I was hoping to find this innocent man (who only wanted to bring the love of God to me) on the cross so I could pile my sins on Him - I'll be doomed if He was not on the cross. I never once identified with His suffering in the way I was supposed to. I was too selfish to. I can't speak for other people in bondage to homosexuality. But for me, I believe this was a major reason why deliverance eluded me all these years.
I have prayed to God to always keep Godly sorrow in a very large compartment in my heart. The cross means much more to me now than it did before. Praise God that Jesus rose from the cross and provided all the wonderful benefits - healing, prosperity, ..... But, its the identification with His emotional, mental and physical pain on the cross that gives me the conscience to keep me from sinning.
These days, when I get tempted to sin, I reflect on how Jesus was led to the cross and how He died just because of His great love for me. The pressure of the sin is reduced significantly in the presence of the overwhelming love I feel. I'll either get sober or start praising Him for what He did for me on the cross out of love.
Jesus Christ did not just die on the cross so that we will not end up in hell. He also died so as to empower us to live a holy life that brings glory to God. It's not by our power or will or strength but by the grace of God. That plan was built into the death and resurrection of Christ.
Rom 6:3-11 (MSG) below makes so much sense to me now. Because, it feels that way and I'm able to relate to it. I got included in Christ's sin-conquering death through repentance with Godly sorrow.
3-5 Thats what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where were going in our new grace-sovereign country.
6-11 Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable lifeno longer at sins every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christs sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. Thats what Jesus did.
Good bless you
