Holding abusers accountable

[michaelwriting]

A sad reality is that many of us passively allowed ourselves to be horribly mistreated for years. For me, I believed that I deserved to be terrorized and mistreated. It was part of normal life. I was constantly told that my abuser's behavior was MY fault, and I believed it. I was a very weak person, and I let her walk all over me, over and over and over.

Now I'm a much stronger person. I stand up for myself, I have a voice, and I have healthy boundaries that I am willing to defend and enforce. I live my own life, and I don't allow others to trample all over me as they had in the past.

In my Celebrate Recovery group, we watched a video about a woman who talked about how she finally held her abusers accountable, years after all kinds of sexual abuse and incest were going on in her family. She said that pressing charges on her father and brother actually helped them both turn to Christ and turn their lives around.

I, myself, also had to put my abuser in jail to give a firm statement that it wasn't okay anymore. I felt terrible and was crying at the police station, but I had to do it. I also had to cut off money flow for reckless spending that was being done.

I am learning that I need to allow others to suffer the consequences of their wrongdoing. And I learned that I am able to use the God-given resources, including the law and the police, if necessary.

I now starting to feel that I am doing an injustice if I just allow things to go on and on with no response. I don't have to be nasty and hurtful to people who have hurt me. But I do need to be strong. In fact, it is very painful to let people suffer the results of their behavior. But I know it is a disservice if I don't stand up. They don't get to hit bottom. They never get to face the restraint or consequence of their behavior, and it just continues to get worse.

I kept hoping the abuse would just stop and go away, but I had to get strong and start doing something about it before it changed. And unfortunately, it hasn't been fully dealt with yet. It is very scary sometimes to stand up and fight back. Just wishing it would stop doesn't work. It ultimately becomes a fight for our well-being and human worth.

Take care of yourself, Mike



"Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean."

 

[Oaken]

A sad reality is that many of us passively allowed ourselves to be horribly mistreated for years. For me, I believed that I deserved to be terrorized and mistreated. It was part of normal life. I was constantly told that my abuser's behavior was MY fault, and I believed it. I was a very weak person, and I let her walk all over me, over and over and over.

I have lived my entire life in that position. I had a father who would instantly shut me up when I tried to give my opinion or when I tried to speak out about being hurt by my brothers. He would intentionally side with them and not stop them from insulting me, yelling at me or hitting me. Well, since we are now adults my family has learned that they can abuse me, hit me, yell at me, criticize me, gossip about me, and intentionally publicly embarrass me and I won't defend myself.

This created a lot of inner turmoil. A lot of resentment. Every time I did try to speak my mind, defend my borders or stop being abused I would be ganged up on, and what is worse now is that my adult family are all church going people who are ministers. And they are instantly vicious, demanding, easily angered, negative, sarcastic and they love, LOVE to make me feel belittled and excluded. In fact, they have even taught their own kids to look down on me and gossip about me.

Now I'm a much stronger person. I stand up for myself, I have a voice, and I have healthy boundaries that I am willing to defend and enforce. I live my own life, and I don't allow others to trample all over me as they had in the past.

I can tell you this. My family DOES NOT respect my attempts to stand up for myself and they certainly don't care at all for my boundaries. In fact, my Assembly of God brother intentionally delights to hurt me emotionally and spiritually. It is like a fetish for him to say or do things that he knows will hurt me. I recently returned back home because my father was dying and ended up dying. I made sure I was on my best behavior. I tried to be so loving, so helpful, so kind and supportive. I never left the hospital the whole time my father was there. I slept there and refused to leave him. Well, my Assembly of God brother would show up and criticize me over little things. When I fell asleep on a bed beside my father my AG brother came and kicked the bed and rudely made the "get up" sign with his hand. I was keeping watch all night for fear that my father would die. He could have gently woken me up instead of kicking the bed. He publicly made comments about the length of my hair to embarrass me. He criticized that I brought food into my father's room, where I put the food, etc. But other family members brought food and he didn't say a word. I had lost about 55 pounds (a real brave thing) and not only did he not compliment me, he actually made jokes about my weight and passed on the comment to my mother with full gloating that I looked like the singer Meatloaf. I was crushed. He then bullied me over wanting to speak at my father's funeral, he grit his teeth and got angry and repeatedly told me to keep my words short due to a time length---while at the same time he solicited other family members to get up and speak and told them not to worry about the time. He intentionally started an argument in front of my mother to shame me. He publicly criticized and shamed me in front of a nephew. And this is when I finally blew up. I swore at him and told him to respect my boundaries. I yelled at him to back off. I told him to stop his behavior.

He looked at me like I have six heads.
His jaw dropped.
He kept saying I can't believe you are acting this way
He shamed me for acting this way the night before my fathers funeral
he went behind my back to my family and made it look like I was the one with the problem

What was the fallout? The next day, at my father's funeral I could barely speak. I was in such pain. I was in such shock.

My siblings ignored me. They wouldn't hug me. They wouldn't sit near me. They wouldn't speak to me.

My Assembly of God brother intentionally set out to sabotage me, to shame me and to destroy my relationship with my family.

I wish he would understand how easy it would be to destroy his church. How easy it would be to stop his service and publicly announce that he had abused me for years and to publicly demand that the abuse was going to NEVER happen again.

But instead, I watched as the Christians in my family have the "blame the victim" mentality.

I now starting to feel that I am doing an injustice if I just allow things to go on and on with no response. I don't have to be nasty and hurtful to people who have hurt me. But I do need to be strong. In fact, it is very painful to let people suffer the results of their behavior. But I know it is a disservice if I don't stand up. They don't get to hit bottom. They never get to face the restraint or consequence of their behavior, and it just continues to get worse.

My silence has empowered the abuse and protected the abusers. My AG brother is a domineering control freak who is critical when he doesn't get his way. I think you are right about the danger of being silent. It was once said of him that he would never succeed as a Senior Pastor because he was such a control freak. And it was true. He became Senior Pastor of a church in Las Vegas and it failed. FAILED. His church eventually split because he demanded that they follow him and some program or something he was setting up and they didn't want to follow.

It is the same with other siblings. So short on love for others, so instantly critical, so negative and harsh with words. I walk on eggs every time I see them. And they actually get worse by going to church. They get taught about power and divine authority and I wish they would just see how dysfunctional they are and unsuccessful in God's eyes they really are.

 

[SplendidTree]

First of all brothers, I would like to say I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. Gosh it sounds so hard, especially Oaken's post.

And Oaken: Welcome to the Forums.


I stood up for myself a few times, but often just hid in the other room turning to the bottle to cope.

I have called the cops one time when I had to.

As far as like fully holding them accountable, ehhh not so much. I was afraid to do so and thought that it would be easier to get through. Turns out, it kind of made it harder to do.

I think some people have a fear of holding people accountable. For me, I try to pray and let it go. I am too afraid to stand up to my folks, but I will say this- I sure as heck don't agree with them when they try and deny stuff, nor anyone else who has abused me for that matter.

In the end, we will all be held accountable by the Lord.

 

[Sharon Swift]

Understanding and prayers. My abuser, my dad died last February and I was lucky enough that he turned to me for help before he died. He got to know me and my intellect and he shared his misery with me. I am still afraid of people and I still fear people way too much...but I was able to forgive him and I pray that he and others that I care for be with the Lord God Almighty, through the Power of Jesus Christ.
My life has been constant abuse and I have been single for ten years now. I am fine on my own, but it is a mark in me that needs to be removed by the LORD's grace.

I have recently read a few times that it is disastrous to fear mankind and that the LORD's love will overpower as long as we reach through to Him. My sister has not forgiven my dad for mucking her head up over the abuse that he gave me. She is suffering because she hasn't let go.

I hope that all of you can stay away from the abuse and know that the abuser is accountable before God. I don't know what happens to my dad; however I pray for his journey to be to Heaven and his heart to be changed into a spirit given from the Dove. And I pray for my ex-husband to see his abuse and I pray for me to not fear mankind anymore or fear anger. I am afraid of angry people and being put down. I don't know how to have any anger, even healthy anger towards people. I am so timid around people it hurts my heart.

God bless you and I hope that you can hold the abuser accountable in your own way. I always wanted that with my dad and it turned around for me when he needed me to take him back and forth to the hospital and needed me in his dying misery.

I pray for your hearts and I pray that your suffering ends. I just pray that you are no longer victims of abuse and that you end up in a path that does not mark you with more pain. Be aware that sometimes we choose abusers again and again because this is what we are accustom to. Like I said, I chose to remain single and therefore I will be the LORD's. It has turned into an easier path for me than it was in the lonely beginning. I am God's and I love Him.

God bless you and please stay safe.

 

[Sharon Swift]

One more thing...the greatest gift that us sufferers of abuse can give, is to not let the cycle continue. The buck stops with us and given to our children is the love that God instills in us.
My dad came from sibling abuse and never accepted it or talked about it. He never forgave and he denied he was ever hurt by it. Before my dad died, he cried to me about being called names and being beaten up as a child by an older brother and another person. So it was cyclical abuse given to me. It kinda goes either way, one either continues with the cyclical abuse or one stops and gives to their children a life of love. And love comes from God.
Oaken I find it very sad that people use Christianity for man inspired power. Please know that God loves you and their are gentle angels watching over you even in this forum.
God bless to you all.

 

[Sharon Swift]

I am sorry if I hurt anyone with my words. This is such a touchy subject and really no one understands the depth of personal pain. I am sorry that on another thread, I said I understood.

When I was married, I was so emotionally abused. I was a target for abuse because I had been primed all my life. In my sadness and shame and guilt I used to go to my girlfriends house and cry to her. She always said to me "Keep your chin up"....my chin was so far down I began to resent those words. Somehow I managed to keep my chin up but at the time, those were the worst words I could ever hear.

 

[Gawron]

Lately I have been wondering what the statute of limitations is on prosecuting an abuser. Or my abuser, specificlly.

In 2008 the state of North Carolina tracked me down and made me pay a traffic fine dating back to 1989. If I am liable for a making an illegal left hand turn 19 years after it happened, I would think sexual abuse would still be actionable.

But I doubt it.

EDIT: I am glad you did what you did, Michael.

 

[Colleen1]

"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."
Edmond Burke

 

[corvus_corax]

Lately I have been wondering what the statute of limitations is on prosecuting an abuser. Or my abuser, specificlly.

In 2008 the state of North Carolina tracked me down and made me pay a traffic fine dating back to 1989. If I am liable for a making an illegal left hand turn 19 years after it happened, I would think sexual abuse would still be actionable.

But I doubt it.

EDIT: I am glad you did what you did, Michael.

Contact a lawyer or legal aid

In my state of Oregon, the SOL for even 1st degree rape is 6 years, which is pathetic
In NC it is "actionable at any time"

Check into it
At WORST, all they can tell you is the SoL has expired.

Good luck

 

[Colleen1]

I think this issue is such an important one and that the cycle of abuse needs to stop and that means that we break the cycle of silence. Only the victim can decide what's right but the vast majority of times I think we should report. We need to speak up and protect ourselves in every way and to speak about what has happened in the ways we feel are healthiest for each of us and our situations. Take care.

 

[michaelwriting]

Thank you all for your thoughts. Abusers keep doing what they do because they know they can get away with it. I was a walking doormat, happily allowing others to terrorize and use me. I had a twisted thought that this is what Christ wanted from me. To turn the other cheek and be persecuted.

I hope i didnt come off sounding like i have gone on a witchhunt or that i am rounding up everyone who hurt me or that I'm 'gonna make them pay'. Not at all. I need to let go and let God do his work in me and in the situation.

But i do know that I can ask for the courage I need to make things stop, even for the benefit of the person doing the hurtful things. God does call me to toward making things right as i surrender to him.
May God work in our broken hearts and bring us peace and recovery. God be with you all.

 

[Colleen1]

"I hope i didnt come off sounding like i have gone on a witchhunt or that i am rounding up everyone who hurt me or that I'm 'gonna make them pay'."

Not at all. I thought what you said was very poignant no need to apologize. I think your sharing helped people. Some times we can get unaware comments from people who don't really understand abuse or the needs of victims of abuse. It's important to make the decisions that are right for us and the children involved. Reporting abuse is a healthy way of doing that. Take care.

 

[mayasmom]

God bless u