HOCD, Trans-OCD, Doubtng God's Existance

[Jul1a]

Hello,
For the past month, my life has gone down hill and it has become unbelievably terrible. I was raised a Christian and loved every second of it with a great child hood. About a month ago HOCD started and I couldn't eat or sleep for a week. I worked up the couage to tell my Mum who was originally supportive but got quickly annoyed.
After 3 weeks of HOCD, I moved past it onto trans ocd which in my opinion was much worse. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror or hear my own voice without having a panic attack. I haven't been properly diagnosed but it seems like it and I have showed symptoms of ocd when I was younger.
It has now moved on to doubting whether God is real and is so much worse. i had a really strong faith which got me through the past ocd themes because I out my trust in Him. Now I'm not even sure he is real is horrible because I had God as number one in my life, but what happens if I was trusting something that wasn't real. I really want to love God and I want to be Christian. It is getting harder to see myself living a Christian lifestyle and trusting him in the future. It feels like this will never end. It has made me so unhappy recently and I can't see myself getting better. I have lost my motivation to do well in school and also to be a good person. I'm wondering why do good things if God doesn't exist or what's wrong with being bad. Even though I question I want to be good, but why? It's been affecting my sleeping again and if the thought of God not existing comes up I wake up and panic. I want to believe in God again, but why can't I? I realised that the previous ocd themes have been related to not wanting to sin or going to hell. I'm sacred I'm going to become a bad person and hurt others now as well. I also fear going to hell and being evil. The trans-ocd is coming back as well and now there's no way to stop it. Before I wanted to die because I knew I would see God, but now I'm not sure what happens after I die. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. My mum said its okay to fall away from God but then I would commit the unpardonable sin and never be able to come back to God. Someone please help me. I'm going insane and I don't know what to do and I want to be happy again. I'm seeing my youth pastor about this and I'm going to talk to someone else in the church in a few days as well.

 

[Nectarius]

Hi there!I 've red your post,and I know what are you going through and I know how difficult is to manage this anxiety wich came from ocd.I had these simptoms and thoughts when I was 16-17 now I am 31.Try not to think at it,I know it is hard but try to do anything else,go out whit you're frinds or watch a movie.God loves you and He accept you anyway,and He knows how difficult is for you this period of your life.Try to see a doctor,prehaps you need medication and visit a therapist because you need CBT

 

[Jul1a]

Thanks a lot for the help ,
What does treatment do to help this and how will it affect me?

 

[Jul1a]

I've looked up erp but it doesn't seem like exposing myself more to things it going to help. There aren't triggers that panic me, it's an ongoing worry.

 

[EPHESIANS6:10-11]

i too have had thoughts like yours
bad thoughts about God and doubting every thing
i worry about everything too
cbt helps you learn mindfulness so you can deal with you thoughts in a rational way
TRANSOcd
there nothing wrong with being transgender I am trans
Up until reacently i have been Hiding myself from real gender i am not going to do that anymore ...
I hope that things work out ok for you
your family should love you no matter what
I will pray for you

 

[grandvizier1006]

What do you mean by trans ocd? Do you mean that you are worried that you could be transgendered without knowing it? That, for example, you're worried that you want to be a man but you aren't 100% sure? If you just got through HOCD, then I think it's likely that you aren't going to become a man one day. If the thought of doing that scares you then you don't really want it. You're just being obsessive over the thought.

Remember that each and every anxious thought you have doesn't reflect reality.

 

[Jul1a]

I'm scared I'm going to want to become a man one day even though I don't want to. And I'm also scared of how sad people get when they are trans. I got over HOCD to get this.

 

[grandvizier1006]

It's a voluntary decision. Try to remember that. I had similar fears myself once, that I would "want to" or "realize" that I was "born the wrong gender". But it's something you can get through when you remember that your mind does not control you

 

[Jul1a]

TOCD has come back to hit me like a bus. I've started feeling weird again and sometimes I think I'm in a mans body. I've been reading posts about TOCD for a few hours now and it feels like it's getting worse. Some say they just realise they were trans when they were my age and it scares me. I haven't finished puberty so I fear things might still change or I'm just realising it now. I've always loved being a girl and a tomboy but now my mind is saying none of that is true.

 

[grandvizier1006]

TOCD has come back to hit me like a bus. I've started feeling weird again and sometimes I think I'm in a mans body. I've been reading posts about TOCD for a few hours now and it feels like it's getting worse. Some say they just realise they were trans when they were my age and it scares me. I haven't finished puberty so I fear things might still change or I'm just realising it now. I've always loved being a girl and a tomboy but now my mind is saying none of that is true.

Don't listen to your mind. If you really felt that way then you would have loved acting like a man from a young age, supposedly. A lot of people have these same fears with being gay and whatnot, but it never rally turns out to be true.

 

[Jul1a]

Thanks. When I write them down, the thoughts are obviously fake, but as it goes through my head it seems so real. This has been the best advice probably so far.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hi Julia,

There is always going to be a struggle with in us while we live to turn from God's ways. What you focus on is what you will become. If we focus on sin, and desire it, we will become sinners. If we focus on God, and what we know of Him we will be strengthened.

I stress the term "what we know of God", God does not scream at us, he just gives us enough knowledge to keep us from sin. We have to choose to retain that knowledge.

Rom 1:28-29 Because those people refuse to keep in mind the true knowledge about God, he has given them over to corrupted minds, so that they do the things that they should not do. They are filled with all kinds of wickedness, evil, greed, and vice; they are full of jealousy, murder, fighting, deceit, and malice.

If you choose to focus on the little proofs God gives you of His reality, and determine in your heart to obey God, you will come to the full knowledge of God, and His salvation.

Psalm 11:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding.

As you reverence God he will give you more and more proof of His reality.

As for the unpardonable sin. You can't commit a sin that is unpardonable.

1Jn 2:1 I am writing this to you, my children, so that you will not sin; but if anyone does sin, we have someone who pleads with the Father on our behalf---Jesus Christ, the righteous one.

When Jesus died he died for your whole life time of sins, past, present, and future.

Heb 9:27-28 Everyone must die once, and after that be judged by God. In the same manner Christ also was offered in sacrifice once to take away the sins of many.

 

[Habakkukthreenineteen]

Hey Jul1a,

Your post reminds me of when I suffered religious OCD in my college years. I blogged about the experience and you can find it here: https://habakkukthreenineteen.wordpress.com/. Believing I was losing my faith made me very depressed and scared. I even feared I would outwrite blaspheme him and turn to the darkside. Those thought were not grounded in reality and in all actuality I could never see myself doing that. The reassuring thing for me was that it probably would have been easier to just give up belief , but God gave me a faith that however difficult I was not willing to give it up. Secular wisdom would tell you if your beliefs are causing you pain just change your beliefs or don't have beliefs. The fact that your writing on a Christian forum about struggling with losing your beliefs shows that to some degree you are fighting to maintain them which proves you have faith. Remember the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain Jesus said.

 

[gfxrelay]

Aaaah man, I had this when I was 12, it's horrible. Go here: http://www.anxietycoach.com/overcome-ocd.html This will help explain CBT. I used to think I needed this huge spiritual experience in order to become a Christian, I tried for weeks and tried to find God in nature and all the grand experiences people said they had. One I was standing next to a Jam factory, I told God I had enough, I choose him, here is my life now I am your problem and thats it. I became a christian by choice, if I left it to my emotions, I would still be stuck trying to experience being saved. Same with OCD, anxiety and doubt they are just emotions, push them aside make a practical choice and when the doubt or anxiety comes use your choice as an anchor. Worked for me.