HOCD? Please Read and reply

[ranchdoritos88]

Does this sound like OCD/Anxiety issues??

Well, theres so much to my story. I just want COMPLETELY OUT OF THIS HOLE IN MY MIND. I feel entrapped in my own mind and body.

I will try to sum this up even though theres alot to it.

This started when I was about 16 years old, I am now a 22 yr old female. While growing up I never had these thoughts or feelings, I was fine. I loved boys, I knew I was straight. And then when I hit high school, I had my first real boyfriend for about a year. And then we broke up, cause he moved away. Then The Following year, I became friends with the one girl who was kind of a butch. I spent the night at her house. I kind of knew in the back of my mind she was gay or bi. And then one day she called me up and told me she was bi. That She wasn’t COMPLETELY gay. When she told me this, I didn’t think anything of it, and I said, that’s ok I’m straight though. Then around christmas time I remember the thought just popped in my mind "what if I am bi?" It wasn’t necessarily "what if I’m gay" But "what if I’m bi?" And ever since then, its been with me. It has waxed and waned over the years. And since then I still have been attracted to men, and I never been attracted to women but I feel that I may be turned on when I see a naked woman especially in a porno. And that really scares me. Still this whole time when these thoughts waned I knew I wanted to be married and have a husband and all that and never imagined it with a woman. But now I feel I am losing that. I feel I have lost myself. I FEAR being bisexual because I fear "what if I have another side to me?" I fear more about the relationship/romance side over the sexual. Like I obsessively question if I could/would want to be with a woman the rest of my life just as much a man. I search for the answer of how do I really know this? Like there is a rule to it or something. Yet I’m not actually attracted to women in real life, it is the abstract thought that bothers me so much and it nags and pulls me down in the very pit of my stomach. It feels like there is something deep and dark inside of me. I have been in a committed relationship for 3 years now and I have told him everything and he has stuck by my side. But it bothers me so because he doesn’t understand at all. He is like the complete opposite of me. I am internal and sensitive, and analytical, he is external, social, simple minded. I fear that means we are not right for eachother and I feel distant from him. I feel detached from reality especially when I am at work. I constantly am obsessed with what is going on in other people’s minds that I compare myself " saying to myself, no one else thinks like this, I am crazy." It bothers me so much with all the different opinions/beliefs on what DEFINES sexual orientation that I can’t trust my own beliefs and opinions, like everyone else is superior to me.
Even through this all, when it died down, I felt the love for my boyfriend but then now I am struck with the obsessive " do I love him? Am I in love with him? Are we right for eachother?" How am I supposed to feel?" and then I feel distant from him and now I don’t feel the good feelings about getting married and all that. I feel crazy and alone. I just don’t want to be bi. I Hate the idea of NOT knowing what GENDER I am going to be with next if it doesn’t work out with my boyfriend? Am I going to end up with a woman? At times when I think of that I feel disgusted and immediately think, that’s not me! Would I go after another man? I have to reason it out and reasure myself thats not going to happen. Now I am confused. Am I straight because I’ve always wanted to be married? Or am I now realizing who I am?
Also, I think I have a religious obsession. As I used to be very much involved in church and my faith, but ever since I left my church and been with my boyfriend, now I feel dry and empty. I am lost in the yearning of who I once was. I was most happy when I was reading my Bible, and praying. And now, I CONSTANTLY doubt God’s Existence, its not a normal doubt, but an ocd obsessive doubt. I don’t know what to think anymore. I also have EXTREME social anxiety and this combined with ocd- makes it so much worse. Some days, my ocd hardly shows its face, but my social anxiety takes over. I can’t accept being bi or the possibility because then theres the possibility that I am someone else, not who I thought I was or want to be. I am so confused.

Sorry so long. What do u think? Is this anxiety and ocd? Or genuine questioning? Thanks. My yahoo messenger is ranchdoritosyum@yahoo.com.
Rachel

 

[kimberllyydawnn]

hey, i had the same thoughts that you have had the first one was when i was 16 to and the same thought and it was awful i was so depressed i confessed it everynight but i knew it was irrational because i knew it was a detestable sinful lifestyle and a sin and i have always been boy crazy
and it waned and i thought that i overcame that sin, it came back though and it was the same thought and then my theme changed to God and such and its been tough so i know exactly what you are going through, Do not stop praying. i pray every night an i tell God about the Thoughts. this sounds like ocd to me, i had a feeling early on the second time my thoughts came back but i went to a christian counselor to whom i am still seeing and she confirmed i was pure O ocd. it sounds that you are pure o too. i mean i do have some slight complusions like i am a perfectionist and such but not as bad as the thoughts, it just stinks beacuse i was so down with the thoughts that i lost the drive to take care of myself and i have to take off weight agian because that happened the first time to... but im doing good and i am also on prozac to help with the anti obessionals and anexity,.its been foour weeks and no side affects but it has made me feel more like myself! im praying for you and i would strongly suggest christian counseling. with medcine i wouldnt recommend unless they tell but it isnt bad, i dont think its the soultuion to my problem! God and his son are but right now it is helping me with this! praying so hard for you because i know how you are feeling! God bless and keep the FAITH!

 

[kaykay9.0]

ranchdorito,
This is a fairly common OCD obsession. I think it is even described as an example of an OCD obsession on www.ocdonline.com. Regarding feeling possibly aroused when seeing a naked woman, this is not, I repeat not, necessarily indicative of a desire to be with that woman sexually. It may just stir sexual thoughts in your mind. This fear, however, is what your OCD battles have grabbed onto. I am 54 now and had almost forgotten that as a young teen I had some fear about this too. I look back now and I can see I was clearly battling my OCD even in that. (And if it helps you to know, that was a totally groundless fear. I have been happily married for 35 years now and know for certain I'm not attracted to women in that way at all. It was never an issue in my life. Yet...there was a season of fear about that. Why? OCD.)

Also, let me alert you to the fact also that "what if" is a big phrase with OCD. Sometimes the "what ifs" are rational. Sometimes they are totally irrational and remote, but OCD loves them. I try to tell myself if I'm battling something that ya know, you can "what if" just about anything. I remember one of my favorite Bible teachers, Jack Hayford, has said, "Would you believe anybody who has lied to you as much as your fears have?" Think about it. I think probably all of us, even those who don't battle OCD sometimes do the "what if" dance, but I think for those of us battling OCD, it's much, much more intense. Just sayin'....when you hear yourself thinking the "what ifs" know that it's likely just the OCD stinking thinking.

If you are not seeking professional help to battle the OCD, let me strongly encourage you to do so. Otherwise you are just treating the symptoms, not the root if that makes sense. You ask at the end of your post if this is genuine questioning or OCD. Not a psychiatrist here, so we are cautioned on this forum not to "diagnose," but this sounds like classic OCD battles to me. Classic. Apparently from your post, you already know you battle OCD and I totally believe this is just OCD attacking you with this particular obsession, which as I mentioned at the beginning is a common one. I don't think this is a real issue in your life even, but from the standpoint of OCD, you would probably do well just to say to yourself, something along the lines of the following~ Even if I might have some "bi" feelings somewhere, as a Christian, I choose NOT to go that way or act on that, and I won't. Case closed. Don't even debate it. Again let me be clear, I personally don't think it sounds like you have any bi -sexual feelings at all. I think the whole thing is OCD, but I make this suggestion to you solely because I think it helps "de-fuse" the OCD fear if that makes any sense to you.

I would further encourage you to get in back in church, re-commit your life to Christ even if you struggle with doubts. (As you seem aware, this kind of doubt can be part of OCD as well.) Just keep walking towards Jesus despite your doubts and fears.

Wishing you the best and praying for you to overcome here~

 

[ranchdoritos88]

Hey Everyone. Thank you so much for the replies so far. God Bless! I do agree that deep down this is ocd and anxiety issues that I am dealing with. I've read other threads of people "actually" struggling with homosexuality and bisexuality and I can't relate to them. Its like I don't actually struggle with having the feelings, just the "thoughts and fears of what if I am?" ya know what I mean?

Also, a couple of years ago when this thing first started I did start seeing a psychologist and he did diagnose me with OCD. As far as HOCD or ROCD (relationship-obsessive compulsive disorder) he didn't say those. But that I had ocd and anxiety and guilt issues.

I know I really need to get into therapy. But I don't have health isurance and I've done TONS of research on low-cost/free help but its so hard to find anyone qualified to help me. I am so a little picky with it. I want someone who incorporates christian teachings/values into psychology. ya know? Any recommendations? I live in northeast Ohio.

Thanks,

ranchdoritos

 

[seajoy]

Are you getting any psychiatric help for your ocd? I used to be in group with a gal that sounded just like you. You can overcome and recover from ocd with exposure/response therapy, and possibly meds. Get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible. I overcame my religious ocd years ago. It is such a relief.

Oops....I just noticed that you aren't in therapy. I am a Christian - and the faith of your doctor is not so important....it's whether he/she knows exposure/response therapy. You can see a pastor for your spiritual needs.