hi all - i have an issue i'd like to discuss here. i've posted on another forum before but didn't get much guidance.
warning: this is SO long. but i hope that you'll read it. and please list any prayer requests in your replies. i hope that you'll pray for me but i'd love to pray for you as well... i have found that reaching outside myself is a good way to stop worrying about myself. and i know that it's always so good to know that someone else is praying for you. so just let me know.
i will start off with my history: i am a 22 year old girl who was saved by the grace of God last september.
when i was younger and all through grade school, high school, even into college, i liked looking at pictures of scantily clad women. in my real-life relationships, though, i always wanted to be with a man. i have always liked boys and wanted a man who can take care of me, but i still got extremely aroused by pictures of naked women. i never really figured this was out of the norm because i always developed intense crushes on men - celebrity crushes, crushes in real life. i when i got into college, i took a turn for the worst. i was starting to look at more hardcore pornography and would depend on it for sexual stimulation and satisfaction. the weird thing is that after i would watch pornography, i never once questioned my sexuality. i always just assumed that i was straight because of the feelings i got for boys and how much i wanted to be with them. i started partying a lot. every time i was drunk i would look for a guy to hook up with because i enjoyed it so much. i have kissed one of my girl friends before, but it wasn't as stimulating as kissing a man. i have never questioned my sexuality seriously until my current boyfriend.
since being saved, i have stopped looking at pornography. my current boyfriend knows about my past with partying and drinking, he knows that i did struggle with pornography use (something he has also disclosed to me that he suffered with), he knows that i have questioned my sexuality. but i feel like i am betraying him. i will try to make myself envision being sexual with a girl, but it almost always ends up with me wishing i were kissing my boyfriend in my fantasy instead. i love the way he kisses me. i just can't seem to reconcile myself to the fact that i do get aroused by a picture of a naked woman.
another (and probably the most important) part - we are actively pursuing a pure relationship. and struggling. from the beginning i laid it out for him and told him that i wanted to make sure that the physical part of our relationship wasn't the focus. i've already had sex once (against my will) and even before that there has always been something inside me that has wanted to wait. i wanted and still want to just be with him, to not focus so much on the physical aspect. but i feel like that just gave Satan a foothold to latch on and try and drag us down. the way my boyfriend kisses me is different than any other guy i've been with. it's like i know that he loves me. and it's comfortable. and i never questioned my sexuality for the first two months of the relationship. but suddenly i found myself really excited that it was two and a half months into the relationship and i still got such intense butterflies and sparks when he kissed me. and then like a lightswitch it all started to go away. it was like i was so happy and then it was gone.
when i met him, i had just been saved about six months prior. i had dealt with meeting a man who met all of my desires in his faith and everything, but i didn't feel the spark with him and it was unfair to be with him. then i tried to date a man who didn't love Jesus, and i heard very clearly from God that i was not to be unequally yoked. and then my current boyfriend happened. and i prayed and prayed to God at the beginning of our relationship that if this man wasn't from Him that i didn't want the relationship. i didn't want anything that was going to deter me from my relationship with God. and my boyfriend prayed and prayed. and still the relationship took its course. it has just been so difficult. because since these obsessional thoughts have taken control of me i feel like maybe i don't love my boyfriend enough. maybe i am a lesbian and just denying it. maybe school will start and my boyfriend will meet a less crazy new freshman girl and decide he wants to be with her. maybe this relationship was never of God.
we have majorly slipped up in our walk in purity. he is the only guy i have willingly allowed to be physically intimate with me. and the problem is that i like it a lot.
i also feel like i don't know where God is in all of this anymore. since i've started questioning and worrying i have felt so distant from Him. i used to hear so clearly that we needed to wait. but what if my desires to wait were not propelled by Him but by my internal desire to be with a woman and not a man? but that doesn't make any sense because i love being physically intimate with my boyfriend. i just... i have this feeling like i want to wait. and he struggles a lot more with lust than i do. i am just so confused. and i feel like Satan has just taken these fears that i've always had and has magnified them and confused my ultimate goal, which is purity until marriage.
i feel like this is HOCD, and not actual desire to be with a woman. but sometimes i can't distinguish it, and i start to think well... what if i'm just in denial? or what if a relationship with a woman could be more meaningful? what if it's what i've always wanted, despite my actions (drunk and sober) and physical desires proving otherwise? well, how do i explain the pornography use and my tendency to like girl-on-girl? it's like a neverending cycle. and it used to happen with other things. i went through a phase where i was convinced i had cancer. i went through a phase where i was terrified i was going to hurt myself even though i didn't want to. i have always had to check my entire house before going to sleep. i went through a period where i even was scared i wanted to hurt my family, even though i knew i didn't want to. i think this "am i gay" thing is just another what if. but it's terrifying to me. paralyzing.
in my life right now i am lacking in my frienships with women and have been spending most of my time with my boyfriend, so i think some of the confusion comes from me wanting to spend time with my girl friends and not really having any girl friends to spend time with! and i know that i have a hard time trusting guys. i just... where is God in this anymore? why is it that when i pray to Him to take this away he doesn't? does He want me to face this? does He want me to accept myself as a lesbian? what if He does and i am just fighting something i was made to be? ...but if so, then why do i hate it so much?
i don't know. i know this is so long. i just need guidance. please. thank you so much.
warning: this is SO long. but i hope that you'll read it. and please list any prayer requests in your replies. i hope that you'll pray for me but i'd love to pray for you as well... i have found that reaching outside myself is a good way to stop worrying about myself. and i know that it's always so good to know that someone else is praying for you. so just let me know.
i will start off with my history: i am a 22 year old girl who was saved by the grace of God last september.
when i was younger and all through grade school, high school, even into college, i liked looking at pictures of scantily clad women. in my real-life relationships, though, i always wanted to be with a man. i have always liked boys and wanted a man who can take care of me, but i still got extremely aroused by pictures of naked women. i never really figured this was out of the norm because i always developed intense crushes on men - celebrity crushes, crushes in real life. i when i got into college, i took a turn for the worst. i was starting to look at more hardcore pornography and would depend on it for sexual stimulation and satisfaction. the weird thing is that after i would watch pornography, i never once questioned my sexuality. i always just assumed that i was straight because of the feelings i got for boys and how much i wanted to be with them. i started partying a lot. every time i was drunk i would look for a guy to hook up with because i enjoyed it so much. i have kissed one of my girl friends before, but it wasn't as stimulating as kissing a man. i have never questioned my sexuality seriously until my current boyfriend.
since being saved, i have stopped looking at pornography. my current boyfriend knows about my past with partying and drinking, he knows that i did struggle with pornography use (something he has also disclosed to me that he suffered with), he knows that i have questioned my sexuality. but i feel like i am betraying him. i will try to make myself envision being sexual with a girl, but it almost always ends up with me wishing i were kissing my boyfriend in my fantasy instead. i love the way he kisses me. i just can't seem to reconcile myself to the fact that i do get aroused by a picture of a naked woman.
another (and probably the most important) part - we are actively pursuing a pure relationship. and struggling. from the beginning i laid it out for him and told him that i wanted to make sure that the physical part of our relationship wasn't the focus. i've already had sex once (against my will) and even before that there has always been something inside me that has wanted to wait. i wanted and still want to just be with him, to not focus so much on the physical aspect. but i feel like that just gave Satan a foothold to latch on and try and drag us down. the way my boyfriend kisses me is different than any other guy i've been with. it's like i know that he loves me. and it's comfortable. and i never questioned my sexuality for the first two months of the relationship. but suddenly i found myself really excited that it was two and a half months into the relationship and i still got such intense butterflies and sparks when he kissed me. and then like a lightswitch it all started to go away. it was like i was so happy and then it was gone.
when i met him, i had just been saved about six months prior. i had dealt with meeting a man who met all of my desires in his faith and everything, but i didn't feel the spark with him and it was unfair to be with him. then i tried to date a man who didn't love Jesus, and i heard very clearly from God that i was not to be unequally yoked. and then my current boyfriend happened. and i prayed and prayed to God at the beginning of our relationship that if this man wasn't from Him that i didn't want the relationship. i didn't want anything that was going to deter me from my relationship with God. and my boyfriend prayed and prayed. and still the relationship took its course. it has just been so difficult. because since these obsessional thoughts have taken control of me i feel like maybe i don't love my boyfriend enough. maybe i am a lesbian and just denying it. maybe school will start and my boyfriend will meet a less crazy new freshman girl and decide he wants to be with her. maybe this relationship was never of God.
we have majorly slipped up in our walk in purity. he is the only guy i have willingly allowed to be physically intimate with me. and the problem is that i like it a lot.
i also feel like i don't know where God is in all of this anymore. since i've started questioning and worrying i have felt so distant from Him. i used to hear so clearly that we needed to wait. but what if my desires to wait were not propelled by Him but by my internal desire to be with a woman and not a man? but that doesn't make any sense because i love being physically intimate with my boyfriend. i just... i have this feeling like i want to wait. and he struggles a lot more with lust than i do. i am just so confused. and i feel like Satan has just taken these fears that i've always had and has magnified them and confused my ultimate goal, which is purity until marriage.
i feel like this is HOCD, and not actual desire to be with a woman. but sometimes i can't distinguish it, and i start to think well... what if i'm just in denial? or what if a relationship with a woman could be more meaningful? what if it's what i've always wanted, despite my actions (drunk and sober) and physical desires proving otherwise? well, how do i explain the pornography use and my tendency to like girl-on-girl? it's like a neverending cycle. and it used to happen with other things. i went through a phase where i was convinced i had cancer. i went through a phase where i was terrified i was going to hurt myself even though i didn't want to. i have always had to check my entire house before going to sleep. i went through a period where i even was scared i wanted to hurt my family, even though i knew i didn't want to. i think this "am i gay" thing is just another what if. but it's terrifying to me. paralyzing.
in my life right now i am lacking in my frienships with women and have been spending most of my time with my boyfriend, so i think some of the confusion comes from me wanting to spend time with my girl friends and not really having any girl friends to spend time with! and i know that i have a hard time trusting guys. i just... where is God in this anymore? why is it that when i pray to Him to take this away he doesn't? does He want me to face this? does He want me to accept myself as a lesbian? what if He does and i am just fighting something i was made to be? ...but if so, then why do i hate it so much?
i don't know. i know this is so long. i just need guidance. please. thank you so much.
