I totally understand your pains Fin, I have never been diagnosed with AS but almost all of the symptoms I seem to have, either that or I want to believe it so much that I act them out. I really wish I was dead too... not so much that death is great but I wanna be in heaven with God so badly... I hate this world I hate everything in it, there is nothing for me here, I want to go to my true home with God. every day I wake up im depressed, and I think it is because I am lazy, and I am. I am going to be 23 in a few months and I am still waiting for my first kiss and obviously have never had a gf, everynight I go to bed and wake up and about all the time I am lonely, all my friends are girls but they see me as that 'gay friend' who is straight, they dont want me as a bf, I always wonder why, I think its because girls dont want guys who are more together than they are.
I have a crappy job I hate, I mentally cannot handle it, I am a CNA and have been doing it for 3 months and honestly cant handle it, im about broke and my parents are kicking me out next month and I dont know what to do. I have always been a sad boy but ever since I dropped out of high school when I was 17 I have been depressed, only getting worse and worse. today I think black thoughts, I am always thinking of if I kill myself will I go to heaven... I imagine if I did I would be in some place where there is terrible regret or God will be disappointed in me. When I was in my early teens I had a dream I killed myself and I remember God spoke to me saying how sad He was, then I woke up with joy that I was still alive and could live, now as I am older I feel like I just want to give up. Personally I think if your truly saved you'll go to heaven if u kill urself, but it would be like murdering someone before you die, do i'd have to explain to God why I murdered myself and why I didn't put my faith in Him. I am really in a bind and I often wonder if I really have AS or do I just use it as an excuse for my laziness.
I get so scared when I think about my future, I fear gorwing old, regretting my life, everyday I regret my life, I feel as though I should have stayed in school and studied then I could get a scholarship... I wish so bad I could go off to a university and just study and do that but its hard because of my financial situations. My life is run by fear and I cant seem to give it to God, for instance work, I want to quit so badly to the point that I am subconsciously setting myself up to be fired, I have done this before at many jobs, I have worked at 10 jobs last year, keeping none for more than a couple weeks. When I pary to give it all to God I still feel horrible because I know I will still have to do the work and still haev to do what I have to do, I am so fearful that if I killed myself God would be so upset and dissappointed in me for not having faith in Him, I am terrified of watching some "what could have been" movie on my life" I just wish to go to heaven, I think of it all the time and feel horrible that I have been a christian my whole life and am so pathetic and weak in my relationship with God. I love Him... just I guess I dont have the faith that He will give me the strength for living. I am reverting to alcohol and very seriously considering showing up to work drunk or stoned or something, I know if I get another job I will loathe it..... everytime I drive to work I jut wanna drive the other way and not look back.
My parents I have lived with mywhole life and I hate it, they constantly **** me off and in alot of ways I blame them for what I have become, ultimately I am what I have made myself to be but stil I have so much anger pent up agaisnt them that I cant let out. God has done so much for me and I would never be able to thank Him enough.. and I hate knowing how I am always in such need, always taking and never ready to share Christ with others. My life doesn't suck because I know that if I really just pulled my ass I could make something of myself, like join the airforce or something, but I am just too scared, just too tired and too overwhelmed by life, older I get more I understand what life is about, when I turn 23 I have to get my own insurance and I dont know anything about that and I am horrible with all the crap in the financial world. In me is this deep sadness and fear for growing old, already seeing myself as roughly 'quarter of my natural life used up' i see I have nothing to show for it, no direction in life and I am just so scared. I am so scared that I will end up like one of the residents I take care of who at a young age get cancer or some brain disorder and I fear I could spend my conscious life in a place like that... fear runs my life I see myself declining, getting worse, same pattern I cant handle it anymore, I cant handle the feeling of letting Jesus down, if I did kill myself and He sent me to hell though I would regret it for eternity I wouldn't blame God for being unfair because I know I am just this stop in the road. I have so much anger towards relationships, I see all these girls with b/fs and couples and all that and I wonder why cant I have that, I am not ugly I am not fat, what is wrong with me? maybe because I am just shy and dont socialize much. but why is it then that all the girls in my life that show interest in me seem to make me out as some baxter boy where they are only interested in me because I listen tothem and tell the msweet things and never disrespect them but when someone they want comes along oh they just forget about me, am I to just treat girls like crap and dumb myself down to where I onyl see girls on the outside and dont care about who they really are. I dont care about there being 'the one' out there for me I dont care about all that, I am just so lonely and only getting older I am so desperate I stay up for hours and hours at night browsing on myspace messenging all the girls hoping they will respond, hoping they will be attracted to a guy like me.
I am sick of this world there is no joy in my life only feelings of letting God down, I heard today in church that I just need to give it all to God but I can pray it but cant do it, I have no certainty in my life no direction or idea, I walk in fear, I have grown further from God everyday since I dropped from high school. when I was in HS I was a camp cousnelor for a kids camp for many summers I was just so full of Jesus that life was beautiful to me, what has happened to me, why have I become so weak and downed. There is no happiness in my life... I only am left to choose, I choose to just let go of it and to cut off whatever life God has planned for me, I want to be with Him now, I cant carry on like this in such fear and sadness, I am only growing older, when I tell girls that I have never had a gf nor been kissed it was cute when I was 18 or 19... now they hear that and become afraid... they wonder what is wrong with me, am I a pervert or something.. I will be saying this when I am in my late 20's my 30's 40's+ these days I spend alot of time thinking on criminal things, on hateful things that are not of God.. I want to put on a mask and terrorize the world.. I am not what God wants me to be, I feel like I have given up on Him like I have taken all that He has done for me and planned for me and broke it. I can never find resolve I can never do anything in my own power to make it better.... I only have God I can only give it to Him yet I am so afraid.... and rather just chose a short lived life and be with Him in hopes He will accept me and forgive my final earthly act of murder. I dont care what my family says or my handful of friends if i were to die I only care about what God would think and feel. I want to call up work tomorrow morning and just tell them I quit, I have to pay them back $650 because I just finished my certification training and have to do 6 months before I can quit. But I am worried about my parents, about the money and about not finding work and being this fool left on his own.... I have options I am not bound down in life, my life is very blessed and well... I am just lazy.. and tired and want to choose death instead... i fear life. everytime I walk through the store I am afraid, anytime someone talks to me I am afraid, of what it is I dont know.
I wish God couldtell me what to do with my life... but where would I develop faith, where would I develop who I am to become in His will? I dont want to give up on God I wantto finish the race... but the times for me, though they may not be so bad on the outside,to me they are so hard, so confusing and depressing and uncertain. I should join the airforce... I should just stay working where I am at and just deal with it but I dont know how much longer I can take the stress and nervousness.... I am too afriad... I have actually panicked and had to breathe into paper bag a couple days, who worries about work when they have many days before work arrives? what will I tell my parents... where is my witness of God... what good have I done for the Lord.... what will I contemplate when I am old and dying in bed at some rest home... will I be full of regret wondering about if I shoulda lived more for God, will I be in my deathbed with assurance that I have finished the race well? I dont know... I am too fearful to find out, I am too fearful til when I finally reach the age where I am old and where I realize "oh crud i really need to do something with my life, but I havent so this is my life!" finances are new to me, in the level I am at, I was tupid wtih a debit card and owed much, I owe alot of money and I worry about money now, I worry if I ever had to support a family how could I support them financially? I look at people who died in accidents and I say "how lucky" I look at that girl in columbine a few years back who was asked at gunpoint "do you believe in God?' she says yes and they shoot her, I look at that and say how easy, how much I wish I could have that this very instant, how much I wish God's plan for me is to die young for Him... I fear His plan is to live a full life, live a life where I am just 'some guy' I want to be something great for Him, something different, anything different that makes me more special to Him, though He loves us all the same... I struggle with this, I cannot live what I know is right in my head. I want to let God work again in my life, I know He can clean up my mess and make me into something beautiful, He does this He works this way... but I am so tired and afraid that I wish to just give up... to just tell God "forgive me, I know you can fix me Lord but I chose to come home early and be with You, I know You have plans for my life but I want to cut them short and not live to be what You wanted me to be, I pray that you forgive my selfish choice and accept me into heaven." I have gone through this prayer if you will, so many times in my head, so many times.... I wish I could throw in the towel, I wish God could just take me up like Enoch where I am sitting at right now.
All my family and friends say come on you have to stay with this job its agood thing you need to just give it to God and not stress it... I worry about what I am going to do with my life, my mom says I am not going anywhere with my life and she is kicking me out next months and it tears me up inside because I keep thinking "how bad have I become?" I am not a bad kid at all, dont get me wrong, I dont go out and drink or party hardcore or smoke or cuss or put on an attitude, if you knew me you'd think I was such a good Godly boy. Just I have grown up in fear and have reached a place where I really need to decide what to do with my life... and I want to just quit, just let it go. God hears me and loves me, I wish someday I could do something to repay Him but I cant, I simply have to let Him do His work and accept His grace... I know it will be hard and I dont wanna take that step, I am too lazy, I am too afriad to 'try again' because I fear I will be back to where I started over 5 years ago since my HS dropout. Where will I find a girl who will love me for me and not laugh at me for beng so inexperienced? What is my purpose for God? To be something great for Him or somethin simple.... Why cant my small earthly mind get over the idea that Jesus loves those better that do more for Him... why cant I get over that? I offer this up as a prayer, sorry for my ranting but nobody is here to listen..... I love you Jesus, forgive me for what I am. Change my thinking.. my reason.. can it be done why is it I have faith You can do anything but have such doubt that You can change me? I dont know how to givei t over to you Lord.. I dont know how, please Lord show me... You wont give up on me ever, but will give up on You grant me the strength to make it one more day, to let You work in me one for day so that I might let go of my world of my sorrows and pain and sadness and laments and be renewed in you.... Bring forth the person in me from my youth who was on fire for you God, who loved You and saw these days through your eyes.... I want to crucify this person I am tonight on the cross with You Lord but why.... why do I struggle like so, why cant I live out what in my head I know.... I wont give up on you Lord....never!
