Hello people,
How are you all today? I'm not great at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I am going crazy.
I don't know when it started, but I have gotten to the stage where I go to sleep every night crying. No one hears me. Which is good I guess
Don't make people worry.
Things in life have been so hard for me all the time. I know I should be grateful for everything, but I have been studying so hard all my life and I have gotten no where. Always there have been people who are jealous of me and want to make my life harder. You know the tall poppy syndrome - that's my life story.
Anotehr point is that my folks aren't poor enough to be able to claim any benefits nor are they rich enough to help me out properly. Btw, welfare isn't available in the country where I live and scholarships are generally restricted to those who are incredibly poor [thank God I am not one of them]. So simple things like looseleaf paper and pens have been an ordeal for me. Even getting to university - that takes me about 1 hour and a half by public transport. So 3 hours a day. Been doing that for 5 years. Plus 7 days a week of study (homework and classes) - I've been doing at least 80 hours a week for the past 5 years.
Now I am in my final year of university, no one wants to employ me. I dunno why. I have sent about 400 applications so far. Only got 2 interviews. What the hell am I doing wrong with my life? Why can people who go out binge drinking get graduate positions and I can't???!?!?
Things with my girlfriend haven't been too good either. We've been together for over two years but she doesnt seem to be connecting with me anymore. She never takes interest in what I'm doing. She never laughs at my jokes. She keeps telling me what to do. She has got to the point where she just keeps screaming at me and telling me off. She's been complaining that I don't smile. She wishes I was "normal". To get to her place it takes over 1 hour and half by public transport and within 5 minutes of arriving she starts complaingin about ME and then starts talking of breaking up with me. Then I'll drive home (which takes another hour) and go to bed. Next morning she'll call me up and say sorry. But the real problem is that this happens frequently - sometimes only a week interval between fights - othertimes it is a month.
I guess because of all of this become more edgy. I freak out when i get touched unexpectedly or someone says somethign unexpectedly. When I say freak out, I mean I get a real scare or shock. Sometimes I even hallucinate that someone is there or behind me and it seems real! Very real. It scares me. Its only until after I have been frightened that I realise nothing was there. I guess, my imaginiation and fatigue are starting playing tricks on me..
Also I have been really withdrawn over the past 1 or 2 years. Dunno why. Maybe because I find it so hard to find the time to socialise. I dunno. Other than my girlfriend, I don't socialise. Nor have I been able to stay in contact with anyone. Everyone just keeps disappearing.
I dunno. I'm really losing it. I really wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I just hate everything so much. All I can do is cry and study and sleep. I am getting sick of this all. Work so hard to get nothing in the end.
I was once told for every bad day God gives you 7 good days. Are these my good days? My bad days? WHAT? I dunno.
Welllllll I think I've said enough.
I'm gonna go to bed, who knows I might get what I want tonight.
-Shin
How are you all today? I'm not great at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I am going crazy.
I don't know when it started, but I have gotten to the stage where I go to sleep every night crying. No one hears me. Which is good I guess
Don't make people worry.Things in life have been so hard for me all the time. I know I should be grateful for everything, but I have been studying so hard all my life and I have gotten no where. Always there have been people who are jealous of me and want to make my life harder. You know the tall poppy syndrome - that's my life story.
Anotehr point is that my folks aren't poor enough to be able to claim any benefits nor are they rich enough to help me out properly. Btw, welfare isn't available in the country where I live and scholarships are generally restricted to those who are incredibly poor [thank God I am not one of them]. So simple things like looseleaf paper and pens have been an ordeal for me. Even getting to university - that takes me about 1 hour and a half by public transport. So 3 hours a day. Been doing that for 5 years. Plus 7 days a week of study (homework and classes) - I've been doing at least 80 hours a week for the past 5 years.
Now I am in my final year of university, no one wants to employ me. I dunno why. I have sent about 400 applications so far. Only got 2 interviews. What the hell am I doing wrong with my life? Why can people who go out binge drinking get graduate positions and I can't???!?!?
Things with my girlfriend haven't been too good either. We've been together for over two years but she doesnt seem to be connecting with me anymore. She never takes interest in what I'm doing. She never laughs at my jokes. She keeps telling me what to do. She has got to the point where she just keeps screaming at me and telling me off. She's been complaining that I don't smile. She wishes I was "normal". To get to her place it takes over 1 hour and half by public transport and within 5 minutes of arriving she starts complaingin about ME and then starts talking of breaking up with me. Then I'll drive home (which takes another hour) and go to bed. Next morning she'll call me up and say sorry. But the real problem is that this happens frequently - sometimes only a week interval between fights - othertimes it is a month.
I guess because of all of this become more edgy. I freak out when i get touched unexpectedly or someone says somethign unexpectedly. When I say freak out, I mean I get a real scare or shock. Sometimes I even hallucinate that someone is there or behind me and it seems real! Very real. It scares me. Its only until after I have been frightened that I realise nothing was there. I guess, my imaginiation and fatigue are starting playing tricks on me..
Also I have been really withdrawn over the past 1 or 2 years. Dunno why. Maybe because I find it so hard to find the time to socialise. I dunno. Other than my girlfriend, I don't socialise. Nor have I been able to stay in contact with anyone. Everyone just keeps disappearing.
I dunno. I'm really losing it. I really wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I just hate everything so much. All I can do is cry and study and sleep. I am getting sick of this all. Work so hard to get nothing in the end.
I was once told for every bad day God gives you 7 good days. Are these my good days? My bad days? WHAT? I dunno.
Welllllll I think I've said enough.
I'm gonna go to bed, who knows I might get what I want tonight.
-Shin
