- Jun 13, 2004
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I was sitting here...having a beer and wondering "hmmm...where did I used to spend all my time online?" and remembered that I was often here. For 6 months I was essentially straight edge. Except for caffeine, I didn't do drugs, smoke cigs, or drink alcohol except for the occasional beer now and again with a close friend.
I started a new job, moved out of my parents' house, started grad school, started drinking and smoking cigs again. I was okay with that. It was moderate usage. Then I smoked pot and wanted to punch myself in the head. I helped confront a friend (we shall call "E") about his excessive use of alcohol while we both drank heavily. I'm making mistakes. I know. I'm being stupid. I know. I also met a friend who used to be an alcoholic and now is clean for 2 years (we shall call "R"). I work with him. I work with the E though too, but less so...although I spend a lot more time with E. I told my friends that know the guy I smoked pot with that I can't be smoking pot and that if they see me going to his room that they need to confront me. I've done good on removing myself from the premises when he starts smoking up. I'm doing good at not drinking to the point of losing control, blacking out, etc. I know that most alcoholics cannot drink at all. I understand that, but maybe there is a spectrum of alcoholism? Probably not, huh? I'm still somewhat deluded...but I said to my alcoholic friend, E, that he and I both have a problem (once he admitted that he did the night I talked to him). We drank until very late and I slept on the couch. Sooner or later I'll get to dealing with the problem, but I'm hoping that E, R, and I can all deal together and support each other. My need for love and acceptance is half my problem. I go out drinking with E mostly just because he and his girlfriend and I get along so well. I just love to be with them, and they drink a lot. Actually, everyone at my job drinks a lot. Not drinking would mean being alone...and I can handle that a lot less than I can handle drinking at a bar. I actually drink less at a bar with my friends than at home alone where I end up depressed and angry. So I go out. It's a double edged sword that I'm trying to dull...
Since moving, I've been far from all my sober supports...it's been hard. I don't see them often and I'm trying to stay in touch. Ugh. I dunno. I just wanted to give you guys an update I guess...let you know I'm still around, doing okay, but still struggling.
I started a new job, moved out of my parents' house, started grad school, started drinking and smoking cigs again. I was okay with that. It was moderate usage. Then I smoked pot and wanted to punch myself in the head. I helped confront a friend (we shall call "E") about his excessive use of alcohol while we both drank heavily. I'm making mistakes. I know. I'm being stupid. I know. I also met a friend who used to be an alcoholic and now is clean for 2 years (we shall call "R"). I work with him. I work with the E though too, but less so...although I spend a lot more time with E. I told my friends that know the guy I smoked pot with that I can't be smoking pot and that if they see me going to his room that they need to confront me. I've done good on removing myself from the premises when he starts smoking up. I'm doing good at not drinking to the point of losing control, blacking out, etc. I know that most alcoholics cannot drink at all. I understand that, but maybe there is a spectrum of alcoholism? Probably not, huh? I'm still somewhat deluded...but I said to my alcoholic friend, E, that he and I both have a problem (once he admitted that he did the night I talked to him). We drank until very late and I slept on the couch. Sooner or later I'll get to dealing with the problem, but I'm hoping that E, R, and I can all deal together and support each other. My need for love and acceptance is half my problem. I go out drinking with E mostly just because he and his girlfriend and I get along so well. I just love to be with them, and they drink a lot. Actually, everyone at my job drinks a lot. Not drinking would mean being alone...and I can handle that a lot less than I can handle drinking at a bar. I actually drink less at a bar with my friends than at home alone where I end up depressed and angry. So I go out. It's a double edged sword that I'm trying to dull...
Since moving, I've been far from all my sober supports...it's been hard. I don't see them often and I'm trying to stay in touch. Ugh. I dunno. I just wanted to give you guys an update I guess...let you know I'm still around, doing okay, but still struggling.
