Hey all you strugglers!

[Wolftrap]

I'm 44 and I've been divorced for two years. I have a ten-year old son for whom I'd walk through fire. I join your ranks now, and I just needed to post why.

I've been a university professor and high school teacher of English Lit for fifteen years. I also taught seminars on C.S. Lewis, John Milton, and many other Christian authors.

One day while I was teaching high school, a troubled student, with whom I had been working with in many ways to help him succeed, walked into my class and blew his brains out with a .45 Magnum S&W he stole from his grandpa. I sat there with blood and brains all over my shirt and the floor. This happened in front of a class of 40 plus students.

I went into PTSD. My life spiraled downhill. As a wrestling coach for seven years, I ended up drunk and fighting three cops and landed in jail. It took two years for me to come out of the coma of PTSD, which is the most horrible, coma-like condition I've ever experienced.

Now, I'm an editor and professor for a local university. I live alone with my dog and see my boy twice a week. I am so mad at God that I refuse to face Him or even speak to Him, because He allowed all this to happen. But I see that day by day, my interest in Him and my need for Him grows. Right now, as Pink Floyd sang so beautifully, "Coming Back To Life."

Now that I'm financially stable and have a great job, and live alone with my blue heeler, I find my ex might move out of state in two years. I can't live without my son. I have no idea what I'll do.

Anyhoo, I'm here. That's a step. Thanks for listening

 

[HuntingMan]

wow...

I didnt watch, but my father pretty much did the same thing except it was a 357 revolver....so I dont have the shock of seeing it happen, but being someone so close it probably had a similar effect.

I know we all face these sorts of traumatic things differently but I do know that a lot of us end up being a bit angry with God at times in our lives because we want to understand....for Him to make sense of things and to keep these things from happening.

Having worked with that kid so closely I can fully understand why you feel like you do.

My own trials seemed one way in the beginning, but finally in the end I realized looking back that they had strengthened me. It doesnt seem to be worth losing a human life over, but all we can do about that issue is trust that God knows those who are His and will rescue those who are.
I live with thoughts of my father having done what he did and wondering where he is now.
Eventually the frustration towards God subsides and you find yourself seeing things in a way you didnt before.
It sucks in a way because that childlike innocence and naivety is pretty much lost forever, but you end up seeing things for what they are...entirely temporal and altogether meaningless except for that one decision we all need to make in this life....the reason we are here.


About your wife and child.....is this something she would talk to you about and try to understand your feelings ?
Is it something she has a choice about?
How about reconciliation?

Sorry, not trying to be nosy, just feeling things out a bit

wm

 

[Autumnleaf]

It wasn't your fault. Both of you need to know that. Suicide is a selfish act that self absorbed people do. It wasn't your fault.

Prior drinking can be a hard thing for a loved one to overcome because they've often heard you lie to them over and over again. Its hard to trust. I can only imagine what its like to have PTSD mixed in with it. If she has moved on with another man then you're really behind the 8 ball. If she is single you have a prayer. Sometimes that is enough if you have guts to go with it. I pray for you and your families.

 

[Wolftrap]

Thank you for your replies, your acknowledgements...

No, my ex wants to reconcile, but I can't at this time. I don't know why. I don't think I'll ever reconcile. After that event, I'm no longer that person.

Now, I have to seek God in a new way. I don't know what that way is, but it will be new. I know His word and His will, but I am no longer the person I was. Maybe it will take time for me to figure that out.

Being in PTSD is like being in a coma. You don't know anything while life moves on. God doesn't give you a list, saying, "I let this happen because...and I let this happen because..." You can't manipulate God for answers. You either trust Him or you don't. I trusted Him so much when everything was well in my life, but now that everything is chaos, I'm up against a new standard. I don't know how that will turn out.

But I love and spoil my son to death...he was on the news for his skateboarding skills, and I support him every step of the way.

However, for myself, I have no idea who I am or where I stand. All the foundations I believed were true were shattered in a gunshot.

I'm the product of a New Testament sensibility battered by an Old Testament experience. I am bewildered.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you for your replies, your acknowledgements...

No, my ex wants to reconcile, but I can't at this time. I don't know why. I don't think I'll ever reconcile. After that event, I'm no longer that person.

Now, I have to seek God in a new way. I don't know what that way is, but it will be new. I know His word and His will, but I am no longer the person I was. Maybe it will take time for me to figure that out.

Being in PTSD is like being in a coma. You don't know anything while life moves on. God doesn't give you a list, saying, "I let this happen because...and I let this happen because..." You can't manipulate God for answers. You either trust Him or you don't. I trusted Him so much when everything was well in my life, but now that everything is chaos, I'm up against a new standard. I don't know how that will turn out.

But I love and spoil my son to death...he was on the news for his skateboarding skills, and I support him every step of the way.

However, for myself, I have no idea who I am or where I stand. All the foundations I believed were true were shattered in a gunshot.

I'm the product of a New Testament sensibility battered by an Old Testament experience. I am bewildered.

I can't say I know what you are going/have gone through because I can't. I might suggest that if your former wife wants reconciliation now it will probably not last forever. She will eventually move on if you won't have her. Sometimes withdrawing from things and healing is good for everyone involved. Other times it may not be good for anyone if we hybernate from a big part of the world.

 

[JohnDB]

You were given court ordered child visitation...and if your ex wishes to move out of state you may have her drug back in cuffs if neccesary...I will mine if she tries and she just might try...and will learn the hard way.

But...on a different note.

Your ex wife actually sounds like a very nice person...she certainly has something of Jesus in her if she is willing to reconcile with you. That being said...

She may be reasonable and will stay near by so that you can have time with your son and be a part of his life.

Forgiveness is a hard thing...especially when dealing with ourselves.

 

[Katryna]

I'm late in seeing this conversation, but I'll toss my two cents in... perhaps you will see it.

I'm sorry to read of your sad experience. I know how we want answers from God, but the thing is, he doesn't interfere with Man's free will. Man can do good... man can do evil. To others, or to himself. We have all lost loved ones in this way. My father smoked and drank himself to death, in spite of our pleading and intervention; he did give up the drinking, but by then it was too late and the lung cancer was already underway. I lost the only person who was always on my side. But on the other hand, God was extremely good in that situation; I saw his hand at every turn, holding us up and Dad didn't suffer as long as he could have.

About your son... I married a divorced man with three kids 27 years ago; a lot of ups and downs over the years over these kinds of things. The ex's always come up with these kinds of things, and then they change their minds... a lot can happen in two years. Not only that, but by then your son will be twelve --- and twelve-year-old boys tend to be very needy of their fathers, and that tends to be the age when they want to "live with Dad", and it also tends to be the age when the courts give much weight to the child's wishes. Just maintain your close relationship with your son... it won't be an easy thing for your ex to move away --- even your son himself will make it extremely difficult if not impossible for her to do.

It sounds like your life is on the way up... congrats and count yer blessings.