He's depressed.

[LovebirdsFlying]

Today I'm concerned about my husband. I have a chronic depressive illness, but unless I've missed it before, I've never seen him depressed. Well, he's depressed. He even said it. He, who cannot put a name on his feelings. He, who when asked what emotion he felt in a certain situation will answer instead with what action he took, because the word "feel" doesn't compute.

He had called me on his lunch hour at work, as he always does, and I caught it in his voice. I observed that he sounded depressed, and he acknowledged that he is. Later, when he came home, he noted that although he thinks he has to do everything around here and nobody's helping, he realizes that's not realistic because we're all doing the best we can do. "I have to do everything around here," is merely the thought he has because he's depressed. He actually used that word, "I'm depressed."

And I find myself doing all the wrong things. Thinking I should be able to do something to fix it and cheer him up. Feeling frustrated because whatever it is he needs, I can't provide it. Begging him to be happy because I love him, when I know it's not about that. These are automatic responses because I know how much depression hurts, and I absolutely hate the thought of him feeling that.

Last night, when he was telling me how frustrated he was over a certain situation, I (wrong move!) asked him what he wanted from me. He darn near cried. "I don't want anything from you." High pitch, tight voice. The most emotion I've ever heard from him. Understand, he's not a crier. Normally he's stoic and unemotional. Sometimes I compare him to a Vulcan. If he's showing me that he's in pain, he's in a LOT of pain. I just hugged him.

When the shoe is on the other foot, I know there's nothing anybody can fix to make me suddenly happy again. I know that being told to be happy is not at all helpful. Yet all I want to do is fix it, and I suppose that's how others feel when I'm depressed too.

 

[Odetta]

I'm sorry he's feeling this way - and that you seem to struggle with it, too. I battle bipolar depression, so I know how awful it is. Praying for both of you.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

You posted that just as I was posting this. Editing in a thank you for the prayers.

Another call from him on his lunch hour--he works evenings.

He's gloomy. He's stressed. He feels like he's trying to walk through a waist-high pool of molasses. Just stuck. He's afraid nothing he does is accomplishing anything.

But one good thing coming out of this is that we are learning to see each other's point of view. I am seeing that when others say unhelpful things to me during a depression, it's almost an irresistible urge because they hate seeing somebody hurt, and they're grasping at straws and desperately looking for *something, anything* to say.

I'm also learning that when he says things like, "I have to do everything around here," he isn't meaning to discredit anything I do, or blame me for anything I wasn't able to do. It's no reflection on me. It's simply his own depression talking. All of us who battle depression tend to tell ourselves things that may look true from where we sit, but aren't. That's his poison thought, just like mine is that I'm no good to anybody and they'd be better off without me, which isn't true either. From now on, when he says, "I have to do everything around here," I will take that as code speak for, "I'm depressed," and act according to that, instead of feeling criticized and jumping in to defend what I did do.

And he is learning, I hope and pray, to let me know when he has these problems. Similarly, I didn't realize until fairly recently that his back hurts him often. He is not physically disabled by a back injury, as I am, but he did have scoliosis in his youth, had to wear a brace, and he's still not quite right. He hid the pain from me for a long, long time, feeling obligated to take care of everything because he knew I couldn't. He would simply do some chore, without telling me it hurt. Then I started noticing things like a wince or a gasp, or not being able to straighten up after he bends over. It's getting harder and harder for him to pretend the pain isn't there. Now he knows I can at least give him back rubs and bring him ibuprofen and a heating pad. He knows I don't mind at all if he needs to go soak in the tub instead of watching some movie with me. He's learning that while doing some chore may be too much for either one of us individually, a lot of times we can work together as a team and get it done without hurting ourselves. I hope he's learning to take care of himself, and speak up when he needs help.

As with the back pain, so with the depression. I may not be able to make it go away, but I want to know so I can be supportive, and at least not unknowingly ask too much of him.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You seem like a wise woman. Maybe he needs to see the doctor about his back.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It probably wouldn't be a bad idea. I'll mention it to him.

 

[Armoured]

He's depressed.

So am I. Tell him to get more exercise.

 

[dysert]

So am I. Tell him to get more exercise.

That doesn't always work. I know - I've tried it. I think the best thing, as a previous poster noted, is for him to see a doctor. If there's a chemical problem, then he needs chemicals to fix it.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Hubby assures me it's not a chronic depression thing, but intermittent stress. I think his back pain is of greater concern at this point. Exercise can help--but he does need to see a doctor first, I believe. Chronic physical pain is depressing, I know. Yesterday I saw him not able to straighten up after bending over slightly to put something in the trash. I mentioned it to him, and he did stop working at that point. But he might not have stopped, if he'd been able to hide the pain. He might have just plowed right on through.

Not being able to do what you used to do is also depressing. For the first time in his adult life, when his back went out last night, he went to bed with dishes undone. I haven't been well myself. I was running a fever yesterday, I've been without a voice for almost a week now, and the congestion spread to my inner ears, leaving me with room spins. That wouldn't be so bad by itself, but it puts me in danger of falls, and even on the best of days, if something knocks me down, I am not able to get up again by myself. I told him if I'd been feeling better I would have had it done already, and he understood. That's when he said something about not being as young as he used to be, and he'll just have to leave the dishes because neither one of us was up to the job right then. He's always had a very strong work ethic, and I do think having to leave these things undone is getting to him.