Here's My Story-

[muzik_luvr2000]

hello everyone. I wanted to come on here just to get some ideas on things but I see now that I should just get my story out there and ask others what they think....So I am a 25 yr old woman who is struggling something awful with a lot of things in my life. I was raised very well. I have an amazing family that love and support me no matter what i do and will always be there for me. We were never the richest people in money, but i never grew up knowing that. I was raised in church, saved and baptised. The story continues...I have recommited myself to God a lot of times since being saved. THe last time was probably 8 or so years ago. I had to have been around 15 yrs old. After about 2 months i slipped back into old habits...just being a teenager, smoking and stuff like that. I graduated from high school and went on to college not knowing what i really wanted in my life and not even considering the possibility of asking God what he wanted. I went to a business school for ayear and left bc i got really sick...not terminally just bad bad flu that kept me out too long. i then went to another school for communications for a year and a half and i liked it, wasnt spectacular but it was what i thought i wanted to be doing. In the process of failing out of that school i met my 1st "love" and married him 6 months after meeting him. We eloped and needless to say my family was less than impressed but still was always there for me. We were married for a little less than 5 years. During that 5 years i let myself endure constant emotional and mental abuse, mind games, belittling, badgering, unstable nonsense that litterally was driving me insane. I seriously thought that he was going to drive me into a mental hospital. I hated myself and everything about me. He left me in a financial mess and emotional mess, everyone has told me i have turned 360 degrees since i have been away from him, i can say as far as my happiness i definatly have but my faith is a different story, I could not figure out how i let myself into a relationship like that. Anyways, it will be a year this december since i left him and 6 months since our divorce was final. I know that the bible says divorce is wrong and all that but I do believe that God has circumstances that he allows for these things to take place.
Last year i also lost my grandfather who was the MOST AMAZING man i have everknown. He was the pillar of our family and i know he is in heaven and in no more pain. It was devistating.
So i guess my questions are as follows...I have never had a close relationship with God, I know and believe he is there, i have seen miracles happen and proof of his love and forgiveness. What i havent seen or felt is Him really being there with me. I don't sense his presence when i pray, i feel like i am talking to air i guess. It saddens me to feel this way but it has been like that for a long time. I just dont know why. I am also a smoker who desprately wants to quit and my mind is saying yes and no at the same time! I am having a really difficult time with this. how do i just get through these things. Give it all to God as one would say,
I am just really desperate to find some answers and peace in my life and real happiness. I know what the bible says, i know the "right" answers that people have given me, what i am looking for is someone to tell me the truth in thier own words.

 

[myanchor]

Getting away from an abuser is not wrong. Sounds like he was a narcissistic ... Go to Lovefraud.com and see how much he fit. If he cheated, you are free to remarry.

Sometimes God leaves us without a sense of closeness, the long dark tea time of the soul is a phrase that fits for me. I finally came upon verses that told me that I can command opressive spirits to go away in the name of Jesus (google for it, okay?) when I did, things lifted.

Get out of that pit by Beth Moore is a light and breezy book (to me it was) and it has some practical exercises in it to help you out too.

My life recovery bible has been a tremendous help to me in my journey the last couple of years.

 

[rytaran]

i absolutely agree. i was in a horrible marriage that thankfully lasted five years and nearly cost me my life. after the divorce, i asked God to pick the right person for me and He did. this past june, we have been married 25 yrs.

 

[ido]

Hi muzik_luvr! Welcome to CF.

My first husband was abusive like you described, as well. I think the most important thing when we choose to divorce (even under grounds considered Biblically acceptable) is to ask God for forgiveness. I did so and it helped free me of the guilt I was feeling about the choice I made.

As for not feeling close to God - only you can really know why that is. For me, when I feel disconnected from Him as you described, it's usually because I am doing things my way and following my will, not His, in my life.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I made this declaration of the Lord's my life verse and repeated it to myself every day - sometimes several times a day - for about 2 years. It is still scripture that I hold near and dear to my heart.

When I would meditate on this scripture, I would pray - asking God to show me His will for my life by opening doors that He wanted open and putting stumbling blocks in the path of choices I was making that might not be His will for my life.

I can tell you that changes happened quickly and effectively when I began praying that way.

We may not always feel His presence...but He is always there, waiting for us to reach out or just be still and know that He is always with us.

I hope that helped. for you.

 

[Criada]

Sweetie, it sounds as though you have been through a lot... it's not surprising that you are struggling in some ways.
God is there.. even at the times when we really can't feel Him. Our feelings are affected by so many things... they really aren't reliable. But God's word can be relied on.

We all have times when we can't find God, and everything seems bleak. All the great men of the Bible had times in the wilderness; Moses, David, even Jesus. Desert flowers don't bloom when there is no rain, sometimes for years. But in that dry time, they are putting down deep roots, so they can grow and blossom as soon as the rain comes. It's in the dry times, that we put down strong roots in God, and one day the rain will come, and we will bloom. Hang on, sweetie, and wait. God is with you, and He won't let you go.
Praying for you.

 

[myanchor]

Yep, Criada, you remember that too! You are God's. Period.

 

[Johnnz]

Do you see yourself as someone God delights in? If not, why?

John
NZ

 

[muzik_luvr2000]

wow its amazing how much people who dont know you can have an impact on your life, thanks guys for the good advice and knowledge. I have taken the time to talk with my mother about everything that has been going on wwith me and the issues i have been having. She has helped me to "sort" things out and try of make sense of everything. She helped me to realize that God doesnt give me negative feelings, he doesnt make me feel badly about myself, it just doesnt come from him and that as a Christian i am constantly batterred by evil and have to know how to stand up agains it and KNOW that i CAN. I have to take things one day at a time and not expect to just forget about everything that happened and move on. I HAVE to figure out how to deal with it and how to let go of the enormous amount of guilt i have towards my family and friends for everything that happened with my ex. I have so much guilt about so many things and i just am having a hard time figuring out how to let it go. I know i can just "give it it God" and let it all go but i dont know why i feel like i cant or shouldnt. i think it may be a nother tool that satan uses against us, guilt can cause so much self pain and mysery. I have to find a way to let it all go and move on with my life. My mom recommended that i find a way to "symbolically" forgive my ex and myself so that i CAN move on from it. I really thought i had moved on untill recently. I more or less just put it all on the back burner.

Johnnz---I dont know yet.....im not there i dont think. dont know why im not...

I have been trying to do things daily instead of all at once. I am looking into a church. Waiting for God to lead me to the right one. I am working daily to get rid of this doubt i have about God and the guilt that i carry so heavily. I thank you all for your support and prayers. It is amazing how God leads you to people you dont even know and they affect you in such a positive way. You have all made me think of things i have never thought of before.

 

[Johnnz]

Johnnz---I dont know yet.....im not there i dont think. dont know why im not...

I have been trying to do things daily instead of all at once. I am looking into a church. Waiting for God to lead me to the right one. I am working daily to get rid of this doubt i have about God and the guilt that i carry so heavily. I thank you all for your support and prayers. It is amazing how God leads you to people you dont even know and they affect you in such a positive way. You have all made me think of things i have never thought of before.

Hi,

I asked that question because many people who have known hard times are burdened with guilt, and that does not help them to relate to God confidently, thereby depriving them of their greatest resource. Now, please don't begin to feel guilty from what I have just written!

You can ponder this verse whenever.
Col 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. NIV

Feel free to comment further here, or to PM me if you want to toss around some thoughts about getting rid of that unnecessary load of guilt you are carrying.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

Journalling helps. Writing a letter to the people who've done bad to you, and to God and then burning that one, helps. Pray whatever you need to, to commit it to God helps as well.

 

[Criada]

I don't know whether this will help at all, but the idea of doing something symbolic made me think of it.
A while ago, I was struggling with some things from the past, and a lot of guilt and self-hatred. Someone suggested to me that I write out all that had happened, and then pour red wine over the paper, to symbolise the blood of Jesus washing it all away.
It helped me... may help you.
I took a picture of the wine soaked paper, and when I start to feel those things again, I look at it, and remind myself that, just as I can't read what was written on the paper, so Jesus has taken away the guilt and the pain.

Praying for you, sweetie.

 

[myanchor]

Gasp, Sarah, you guys have red wine at home? For shame, shame, shamey shame. ;-O

 

[mjmcmillan]

Gasp, Sarah, you guys have red wine at home? For shame, shame, shamey shame. ;-O

I'm going out on a limb a bit here, especially since the denominaton I belong to detests alcohol in any form, but--- the Bible never condemns having red wine. It has much to say against drunkeness, but not against the occasional glass of wine. Timothy was told to have wine with his meals rather than water, in fact--- something to do with his digestion.

I just had to jump in here--- somehow I couldn't let this one past. Personally, I don't drink for both religious and personal reasons (never developed a taste for it) but I can't seem to judge those who do as long as they're reasonable about it. Sarah's use of the red wine in her story is positively scriptural, as near as I can tell.

I'll have to post my story here soon, have to thank the OP of this thread for opening the door.

 

[myanchor]

You misunderstood me brother, look at the sideways smiley face on the end of my sentence.

Sarah/Criada is English, and she's an adorable sweetheart on the forums here.

i was teasing. I belong, loosely, to a denomination whose traditions say any and all alcohol is evil and will just about send you to hell. Since the bible only says don't get drunk, they tend to get a funny look on their face when I remind them of that.