Here's a fun situation

[brettnolan]

I'd appreciate some comments on this situation.

Girl is married with three children. Very poor, she works only a part-time job at the Y. Husband has left her several times, usually right after a child is born. Apparently, he has thought at some point he was ready, but now doesn't want to "miss out" on "life." He sleeps around, drinks, etc. He stays with friends or presumably, lovers and comes back to his wife when he gets kicked out or can't pay. She is a strong Christian and has worked for years to repair the marriage. She's still not completely sure (I don't think) what she wants to do, but even if she was sure, she couldn't afford the legal expenses of a divorce.

As a guy that WOULD BE interested in her if she were single, what lines are there that can or cannot be crossed?

So far, I only talk to her at all rarely to occasionally, and that's only the pleasantries of an acquaintance such as "how are you doing, how are the kids," etc.

 

[Echoes Peak]

Well, before anything else, her issues with her marriage need to be resolved. It sounds like a very messy situation. Is she involved in a church? Because if she is, she needs to seek out some spiritual, emotional, and maybe even financial guidance from her pastor, or women's ministry...etc.

As for lines being crossed, honestly, only you and God know your motivations for anything that you do that in regards to her. In regards to a romantic liasion at this time, that is a bad idea. That will simply make a bad situation worse. In regards to being her friend, if you can maintain that friendship line without blurring it with romantic notions, then so be it. But I would honestly, above all, help her consider getting pastoral assistance because it seems like really needs that more than anything.

 

[Stanfi]

I agree with Echoes Peak on this. No doubt this woman is in a bad situation, but she is married. I think she needs a friend, but you have to clearly watch that line. I am sure that she would love for someone to love her, since obviously her husband doesn't. So if you start showing her concern, that may lead to and adulterous situation.

She needs help as already stated, perhaps you could direct her in the right path.

Situations like this are hard to take. I hate to see good people in bad situations like this. Most of all you can pray for her

 

[msjones21]

I agree 100% with mrstace. The danger of being her close friend would be the potential for her to commit adultery, especially since she's so vulnerable. If she were hypothetically single, then you would need to pray very hard about being with this woman. She has alot of baggage. Not just the three children, but look at what type of relationship she is used to. It could take years of praying and communication to get her to understand that her current situation is not how a marriage should be. She would need to be "de-programmed" in a sense.

Also, and I'm not saying this to question your motives but, you need to really evaluate your heart. Why are you attracted to her? Is it her physical appearance? Her faith in God? Her personality? Or are you wanting to be with her to fulfill some need to be a hero? Alot of times men will be drawn to a woman who needs a good man because the man himself is insecure. He needs his ego stroked by "rescuing" a woman from a terrible situation. Those types of relationships aren't healthy either.

If I were you I wouldn't encourage her to leave her husband. If you did, it may (or may not) be with selfish intentions. Just encourage her to keep praying for godly wisdom. Let her know about shelters for women and children in your area that may be able to assist her if she ever needed it. Give her the name and number of a Christian marriage counselor. Many times Christian counselors will counsel a couple free of chagre if there are special financial circumstances. I will be praying not only for you, but for her and her family as well. It sounds like a really bad situation and my heart goes out to the innocent children involved.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Wow, excellent advice given by Echoes Peak, mrstace and msjones!

I don't know of anything further to add then that I would tread very carefully. In situations like this, our hearts tend to do the thinking instead of our minds. I could see where your heart would most definately want to help this woman out. And she does need help. But only in the form of a friend, nothing more. Throwing romantic intentions into this situation, I think, would be disasterous. First and foremost, she is still married. Because of this, anything beyond being her friend needs to leave your mind, regardless of the condition of her marriage. She sounds very virtuous in the fact that she is trying to hold her marriage together, despite her husband's actions.

While I am sure your heart goes out to her, friendship should be all you have to offer her. Even if she did decide to pursue a divorce, it sounds as though it would be quite a while before she could be emotionally ready for another relationship. And you have to ask yourself, really and truly, is this a situation you want to involve you and your family in? You mentioned in another thread you had a young daughter. This would effect her as well.

 

[tinkerbell]

I agree with what's been said - it's important for her to get things either finished up or worked out with her old relationship before she starts a new one.

 

[brettnolan]

Man! You guys are GOOD!

I was actually expecting a little debate, based on some of the other threads I've seen around here. Maybe subconsciously I was looking for a loophole.

You've all pretty much summed up what I thought(and have been doing) anyway. I still am a little unclear, though, as to where the line of friendship and something more is drawn.

Just some more info since some of you seemed to wonder. She IS a very strong Christian and attends church as often as she can (she has 3 kids to drag in). So even if I did get out of line, she wouldn't so much as sneeze on me until she was legally divorced. This has been going on for at least 4-5 years and she has been to counseling (church paid) and has several close friends at church and I think she relies on them heavily.

msjones, I understand where you're coming from and I have thought about all those questions. And that's what makes it so hard. As mrstace said, I just HATE to see her have to go through this. My wife cheated on me twice, but the 2nd time I had the means to divorce her. I can't imagine having to live with her (only when she wanted to be there) for years with no end in sight. In my mind, she is sort of trapped. Granted, I don't know much more than that. Her parents don't like the guy, so why don't they give her the money? I don't know.

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any physical attraction, but it's the whole package (everything you mentioned) that makes her all the more attractive. I certainly don't need to be a hero (done that before). And believe me, IF there is a 2nd time around, there will be a LONG courtship with many long talks that I never had with my wife and hopefully I'll heed warning signs I ignored.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel like I COULD do a little more, but I'm afraid of crossing that line. On the other hand, I'm afraid of not doing enough and seeming aloof or inconsiderate.