Here goes...

[ThisBloodsforU]

For the past 7 years or more I have been emotionally attached to another man over the internet. I am a 36 yr old mom of 3, married almost 15 yrs. I suffer from depression and had a very serious bout after the birth of my third child almost 9 yrs ago.
There are times that I really don't feel like I love my husband and I want to be with this other man. This other man doesn't even know the truth about my marriage. (He thinks we are seperated)
I am so afraid to give up this other man even tho I know I must. I feel like I really love him and I often dream about having a life with him.

I know this is just crazy and awful that I've let it drag on for so long. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of being lonely without the other man. I am afraid that the other man will be devestated to "lose" me. (I know he will be)
I am so selfish, so guilty and I need to right this terrible wrong. I don't know how I could've let this happen. I must be the worst person ever.
Where do I even begin?? Give up the other man and live without him, perhaps never being truly happy or in love with my husband? Risk ruining this other man because of my lies?
And then theres my husband who didnt deserve this..yes we have troubles but he doent deserve this. And the kids...
I am such an awful wreck. I really can't belive how horrible I've been...

 

[free4all]

Hi ThisBloodsforU,

Welcome to CF. I like your name.

You're not the worst person in the world. We've all done things we're ashamed of, and we've all hurt other people. "All have sinned..." Remember? At least you're willing to admit what you've done.

You answered some of your own questions in your post. Specifically, that you should break this off. You are afraid you will never have happiness if you break it off. I don't think you'll ever have happiness if you DON'T break it off. It's tearing you in two. No wonder, because your affection and attention are being pulled in two different directions: your husband, and the guy online.

The best way is to come clean, and the sooner the better. The longer it drags out, the more painful it's going to be for all involved.

You are afraid the other man will be devastated to lose you. Your obligation is to your husband, not this other man. You made your vows to your husband, and now it's time to live them out, regardless of how you feel. You are right to say you must give up this other man. Your dreams of having a life with him are lies, and when you allow yourself to engage in them, they detract from your relationship with your husband. I'm guessing your marriage would be more fulfilling if you gave it the attention you are currently giving this guy online.

You know the right thing to do. If you don't feel you are able to stop by yourself, then confess to your husband. Yes, he'll probably be upset, but I don't think that's as bad as you continuing what could be called an emotional affair. It won't be easy, but the longer you put it off, the harder it will be and the more potential it has to wreck your life.

If you are serious about breaking it off, you could change your email so the other guy couldn't reach you. Or you could give your husband your passwords and account info so there would be nothing hidden from him. Don't expect it to be painless, but I expect it to be less painful than a divorce and child custody arrangements.

Ask God for the strength and opportunity to do the right thing, and then do it. You can end all this with one act of obedience.

Praying for you.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

Thank you. I've tried before to break it off, or actually, I tried to put some distance between us in the past, but I kept going back because this man is really persistant and I am so weak. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do this.
My marriage was not so great right from the start. I realize that this is not an excuse to become emotionally involved with another, but I was so lonely and depressed and this relationship did start out innocently. I did not intend to cheat.
My husband loves me and he does his best in his own way. I have not been easy to live with, my depression consumes me at times. I wish so badly that I did not regret marrying him, it isn't fair to him and I feel "stuck." I wonder if this is some kind of mid-life crisis and I will grow out of it. I wonder if it is possible to fall back in love with him. (I DO love him, just not passionately like I want to)
I feel like such a selfish child.
I'm actually more afraid to tell this other man that I am not seperated and I need to work on my marriage than I am to tell my husband that I've been emotionally involved with another. Somehow, I don't think he will take it very seriously.
You know, I've actually prayed that God would let me be with this other man.
I know that I am obligated to my husband, but I do care about this other man and I worry, REALLY worry about how he will handle it when I break all ties.
Guess it's in God's hands. I am such a mess.

 

[free4all]

I know it won't be easy. Would it be easier to confess the truth to the guy online, rather than to your husband face to face?

Once the other guy knows you are married, his reaction will tell you something about his character. Is he a Christian? Is your husband a Christian?

Do you have some close Christian friends in your church you can ask for prayer from?

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

The other guy knows I am married but he thinks we've been seperated. I've confessed to many lies recently and one of them being that I am still married. I made up a whole other world for us in my mind. I can't believe I was so irresponsible and selfish.
This other man is a Christian. In fact, he's been present while I have gradually turned my life to Jesus. My husband has the Christian beliefs, but he does not practice much.
The problem is, I have noone to talk to. I have no real life friends or church members or pastors. It's a really long story, but I am torn between 2 churches, the church I was raised in and another church I've found while giving my heart to Jesus.
I already know that I will break this off..I will tell the other man the WHOLE truth and I will tell him that I intend to try to make my marriage work. He is on vacation until Friday so I have until then to figure out how to say it.
I am afraid that he might be suicidal over it. He's hinted at that in the past when I've tried to be distant with him.
Thank you so much for your response.

 

[kanga22]

Well, I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the devoted spouse. My husband is having the affair, regrets marrying me, feels stuck, and loves me - but not passionately (as he'd like). I was also thinking it was a mid-life crises thing. I don't know if it's something he will get past, or if it's a new reality. I'm currently waiting to see what happens. The difference between my marriage and yours is that my dh is unsaved. For that reason I often meet with frustration when I try to reason with him using God's standard of behavior and marriage.

At one point in our dating relationship I tried to break up with him but didn't because I worried that he would commit suicide. The woman that he had an affair with early in our marriage, did commit suicide. He, of course, blames himself for this. It is a very serious issue and requires prayful thought. If your other man is a Christian, he won't commit suicide. He knows that it would lead to an eternity apart from God. If he doesn't know that, then you could remind him. Perhaps having some scripture about how we are here to serve God and that He has a plan for us, when you break it off, would be wise.

If I were you I would read my bible and pray. When you are seeking God, He will lead you to say and do the right thing in the right timing. Ask Him to speak with your mouth when you explain what has been going on to your husband and the other man. Don't let your flesh or emotions take over. Stay in God's Word.

Make some solid decisions. You are torn between two men and two churches! Ask God's guidance then pick a man and pick a church. Put your whole self into your decision and stay off the fence!

Take my advice, or leave it. It's what I felt lead to say. I hope it helps, if only a little.

May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ shine upon you and bring you Joy and Peace.

 

[Ari5]

thisbloodforu -

I've been where you are, & I know what you are going through. All these other comments are right on target the only way to get out of this mess is to have absolutely NO CONTACT. There is no other way to get out of it.
I also had met a guy somewhere & he started to email me , I just thought it was being friends but he had other plans. And then he started wanting to be more & it was just the same thing I couldn't break away. At the time I was struggling in my marriage & he knew this, but I made it clear I felt it was Gods will for me to stay in my marriage, but he wouldn't take that answer. So he ket pushing me, finally I told absoltuley NO contact & he still tried but I did not respond to him at all. It has now been about 6 months that I have heard from him. I think the part I miss was just having someone else to talk too, cause when I looked at the person he was, it is not what God would want for my life. He was no good & he used my vulnerability to his advantage.

Things I had to realize:: No other man will make the problems any better, you will just take the problems along with you.
-Also , if he was doing this to me, why wouldn't he try with someone else even if I was with him.
-Plus, It is NOT Gods plan for you, his plan if for you is to stay in your marriage & work at it which you cannot do when you are thinking of anyone else.

Please private message me anytime, I can help you get through this. You Can Do this!!!! It will be very hard for the first few months, but I promise you if you stick to it & have NO CONTACT AT ALL , God will help you & change your marriage for the better. Ari

 

[Ari5]

I forgot to say an excellent book that you should run out & get is "Every Womens Battle", it will help you tremendously to get through this.

Another thing I read your last post about you telling him on friday - Well I would suggest you send it before friday in an email & let it be, the more he you try to talk about it the worse it will be. Just say what you need to say & turn from it, You must turn your back on this & walk away. The more excuses you keep making the more you will be dragged down. You need to make a decision to turn from it & do not go back. Ari

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

Well, when my husband came home from work yesterday I told him that "I needed help to stop talking to someone on the net." He didn't say much so I left the room and he read my postings here. He then approached me and we talked. He was not angry really, just sad. I felt awful and I apologized over and over. He said that he was sorry too because he knew that he had neglected me emotionally. He wanted to try harder and I promised that I would too.
Later I found out that earlier in the day, he had ordered an expensive set of dvd's on how to work through depression for me. He had been listening to an ad on talk-radio at work and he thought of me and how this might help me. I realize just how much he cares about me, even tho he doesn't always show it like I would want him to.
I am relieved and still scared. I still have to break it off with this other guy and I can't help but worry for him too. But it really helps having my husband know and now I feel more resolved to fix our marriage. I love my husband and God more than this other man. It's a wonderful feeling. I just hope I can be strong enough.
Thanks so much everyone for your responses.

 

[free4all]

I'm soooo glad you found the courage to speak to your husband! Well done! And to let him read your postings here? Wow, talk about getting it out in the open!

Something good can come from your openness and honesty with your husband. It's great to hear how he is trying to work on the marriage also.

You mentioned he doesn't always show it like you want him to. Have you read The Five Love Languages? It details how people view being loved in different ways, and how we can help our mate feel loved if we learn to show love in a way they desire. I highly recommend it for you and your husband if you two haven't read it before.

I know you are still concerned about the other man. Total honesty is still the best way to go. After being honest with him, if he still doesn't want to break it off, you can allow your husband to answer any emails from the guy from your account. That will probably take care of any attempts to contact you by email. The same for any phone calls, if phone calls are involved. You will know what to do. All you owe this other man now is honesty, and only for a very short time. You don't owe him an ongoing relationship.

Thanks for the great news. Doesn't it feel freeing? God can do great things in your marriage because of your honesty and your confession.

Well done.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

It DOES feel freeing, but I am also consumed with guilt...which I accept because I deserve it.
Thank you for the book recommendation, I have a list for the bookstore thanks to this good forum!

Kanga..I just want to say I am sorry, for what it's worth, being "the other woman" I know there is no excuse for this and I do realize the pain it causes everyone involved. At the time, I was weak, unhappy and I just got sucked in. REALLY sucked in. I hope things get better for you. Thank you for posting.

 

[Evangelina]

You know... being in a 7-year online relationship and never meeting the other person face-to-face generally requires a specific reason on BOTH sides for the people involved. Chances are that he's married too.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

I suppose it's possible...but he did know I was married so I would've thought he'd tell me if he was too. You never know tho.

 

[Evangelina]

I don't want to make too many comments on this thread, because I might be over-identifying with the situation. You see, I once was in a serious relationship with a man who wouldn't have hesitated to be very hurt and upset that he'd been lied to by an online girlfriend - but consistently lied to every woman he met online. I can't remember how many online relationships he had while we were together, usually more than one at a time.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

Just a little update...I've emailed other man and told him that I am going to work to restore my marriage, husband comes first and I requested no further contact. I also blocked his email addresses and his messenger.
I am tempted to see if he is on messenger, I don't really know why. I am pretty sure it's not a need to talk to him..I don't feel like I miss his company. I do feel concern for his well being....and maybe I just want to know that he is online and has obviously gottenmy message. I'm praying for strength but I really feel like I will crack and check to see if he is online eventually. Maybe I should tell my husband?

 

[Evangelina]

Good start, congrats Honestly... I know it'd be a wrench, but I'd get rid of the messenger. Remove it completely from the computer, and ask your husband to do occasional checks of the computer to check that it hasn't been reinstalled. It may sound overboard, but it'll help your husband know you're serious about recommitting to the relationship, and it'll be a serious deterent for you. I'd tell him that I'll show him my email whenever he asks, too. (this'd be gut-wrenching for me, I like my privacy - but this is a marriage at stake, right?)

 

[free4all]

Good start, congrats Honestly... I know it'd be a wrench, but I'd get rid of the messenger. Remove it completely from the computer, and ask your husband to do occasional checks of the computer to check that it hasn't been reinstalled. It may sound overboard, but it'll help your husband know you're serious about recommitting to the relationship, and it'll be a serious deterent for you. I'd tell him that I'll show him my email whenever he asks, too. (this'd be gut-wrenching for me, I like my privacy - but this is a marriage at stake, right?)

If you're serious about intending to work on your marriage and stop contact with this other man, this is the way to go. Without openness and honesty with your husband, it's going to be hard to resist the temptation to contact the other man at some point. You will have strong days and weak days, and it only takes one weak moment to reestablish communication.

I agree with the above advice. You may be strong now, but don't trust yourself to be strong every day. If you are serious about moving on, come totally clean now and get your husband on board with helping you stay that way. You've done well so far; go the last little bit and help your marriage continue improving.

 

[Ari5]

Blood4u -

I agree with the others, get rid of the messenger all together, it will do no good at all. Also I would suggest setting a limit on how much time you use the computer, or only use it when your husband is around. Otherwise you are just putting yourself in temptations way again. It is easy to go backwards especially if you are having a difficult day & need someone to talk too.

Also wanted to say I am proud of you & I know God is up there smiling down on you!! He will give you strength to get through this!! Keep it up!! No Contact!!

If you haven't got that book yet (Every womens Battle) , I would definately go out & get it. It will tell you what you should do now , how to focus your feelings, thoughts, & how to get your marriage back on track & also to keep your heart from getting in this position again. It is great! Blessings, Ari