Her Past

[ManInChrist96]

I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months. And I really feel as though she's ultimately going to be the girl I want to marry.

However, before she was with me, she was in another relationship for over two years. In that relationship, she was consistently pressured into sexual activities, and after fighting it off for a long time, ultimately gave in, and the activities (all activities except actual sex) became a part of the relationship for at least a year. She was somewhat willing, but was most of the time just tired of having to say no, and had grown too dependent on the relationship to end it.

Through the course of my relationship with her, I've done my best not to bring it up. I've maybe instigated two conversations about it, but even those were very brief and just "I'm struggling with this, but I promise I'll get over it." Was never much deeper than that.

But I do still struggle with it a good deal. I regularly (almost daily, often multiple times a day) cringe and get mental images of it happening, and can't help but feel somewhat betrayed. Not necessarily by her, but I guess by "the world" because, if she and I do get married, sexual activity will never be something that just she and I share. I know that God has forgiven her and I should too, and I have tried and will keep trying. But the feeling still remains, and I can't as much as hear a mention of sexual activity (specifically those that happened between them) without getting mental images.

I know it has scarred her too, and she feels guilty, not proud, of what happened to this day. So I try not to talk to her about it, and this is something she's never told anyone else, so I've also kept it a secret.

I know how selfish I must sound making her traumatic situation about me. But it does effect me, and I'm trying to find the best way to cope. I continually pray, and know God will take it away if He feels it's necessary. But I do still need help, because I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life. And I get insecure thinking about how she may think of those experiences on our wedding night or future experiences.

This is not necessarily a deal breaker, and on the contrary, I post this because it's something I desperately want to conquer. I love this girl with all my heart, and ultimately do want to marry her because she is everything I could ask for in a Godly partner. But I also want to make this issue as little a factor as possible in our potential partnership, and would like to do anything I can to defeat it prior to being her husband.

Any advice? Thank you, and God bless.

 

[Journey.In.Grace]

I can understand this must be a difficult thing for you, and it surely must be more so on her. I have had my shares of bad past experiences with men and I had a wall so high and thick that it took my boyfriend the better half of our relationship to bring those walls down. It wasn't easy for him nor was it any easier for me. You sound like a man who is truly concerned and I do not doubt the love you have for this woman, and that is sometimes what a woman simply needs. As someone who often was sexually pressured in my previous relationship, I can relate to her somewhat. Our emotions are more sensitive; when we are continuously pressed we just get tired of it and just to have it stop, we give in to it, even if we don't like it. We just want it to stop because it is just too overwhelming. But you must understand she dealt with this relationship for two years. Can you fathom how she was treated? For that period of a time it can cause a woman to build up many walls. It would not take me only ten months to led down all my walls after a two year experience that she had. She is probably afraid; she may fear of letting down her walls not for the sake of it happening again, but just the fact after so long she is finally being open again -- and that is scary for some women.

My advice to you is to continue pray. Pray about everything. Be patient with her. Patience can go a long way with something like this, and even though you feel you have been as patient as you could be, ask God for more patience. The "I'm struggling with this, but I'll get over it" is a generic response that even I have used many times before. She doesn't want to talk about it. While I believe not talking to anyone about it is unhealthy and can lead to more problems, I also believe that showing love and support will eventually lead her to opening up. Just give her time; sometimes a woman is so scarred it can take her longer than 10 months to open up about it. But the best thing you can do is pray to God about this. He will guide you!

 

[Note]

I know exactly what you mean, lad. I will tell you this... I did have all that jealousy of the other person's past partners, even though I never knew the person yet. Someone's past is quite important in my future. I prayed, struggled, and over the years, it rarely came to mind and if it did, it was a few seconds (because of some trigger) and I just brushed it off. When the time comes, she would be open enough to discuss it. Tell her you love her and you want to know everything, even if it hurts, and she can tell you things when she is ready. Earn her trust. When the time comes, you both make your own "magic."
Just my note.

 

[Murby]

I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life.

While I will probably never understand why its important to you, if it is that important, this is exactly what is probably going to happen.
I could extrapolate further and take an educated guess that its also possible (probable ?) that you'll throw this in her face during the first big fight you two get into.

 

[Note]

Oh please never, ever bring it up in ANY fight!!!!