Helping someone thru divorce

[memoriesbymichelle]

What advice would you give a friend that is going thru a divorce not by his choice? His wife of 25 years just recently left him. She previously had gotten in contact with some guy she knew in jr high. He is disabled (not that that matters) and was having her take him here and there. My friend told her he was crossing the line because she had become to him anyway, a completely different person. She was drinking with him and previously she didn't drink, and was staying out late and previously she went to bed early. The thing that is hard to accept for my friend, is that she moved out (with her mom who had resided with her and her husband) and has NO desire to try counseling or anything. My friend just found out that she put the guy on her lease with her and her mom.

I have a few thoughts on this. First it must have taken his wife some serious time to consider to actually DO this after 25 years. I just wonder why she didn't attempt to make it better before leaving and even before this new guy came on the scene.

Secondly, I think they both have fault in this and my friend is in no way saying its all her either. He realizes that he was not meeting her needs emotionally but it's too late now according to her.

I know from my mom's experience that it really sucks when someone leaves you and you didn't have a clue it was coming. My dad came home one night and said "I want a divorce" and my mom asked "why?" and my dad said "because I'm in love with another woman" and my mom said "so let me get this straight, you want to throw away 13 years of marriage because you THINK you are in love with another woman?" He said "yes" and that was the end of the marriage. It was terrible for me too because I was 12 or 13 and had never really heard them so much as argue! I thought/hoped it was a bad dream for about 2-3 days, but sadly it was not.

My friend's kids are grown, thankfully. One of them live with him along with her husband and their baby. The other one lives out of town and is single. So at least the kids aren't little. My friend is just having a hard time coping.

I told him that he needs to just work on being a better him and work on things he can control. He can't control her or her actions.

Anything from experienced divorcee's to add?

 

[dayhiker]

That is quite a story Michelle, but it happen quite often.

I think when this happens there is something that has not been said for months and even years. Its like the person is waiting to if their mate does meet their need without ever telling them what the need is. Of course that doesn't happen. Therefore they feel they have already given them months to years to get it right so no reason to reconsider. Of course the real problem is a communication.

That leads me to on of the reasons I don't like a big emphesus on couples being ONE, like there is some mystical communication that happens ones we are married. Nope we have to talk just like every other two people on the planet. That's the biggest problem we had in my marriage.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

If you don't want to answer it's OK but in your situation, who was the one that initiated divorce?

I've never been divorced, but I have been dumped. And of course my husband died, which I had no control over, but when they die, they aren't here on earth anymore so in some small way for me that's easier?

But when people are married for 25 years, I was just thinking how hard it would be if I was the person that wanted to end it, well it would be equally hard if not more so if I didn't want to end it, but trying to look at it from that perspective, it must be really hard. Now if there was abuse either emotional or physical, I can see why someone would just want it to end after suffering for years. But if it wasn't really that bad, I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you would not want to try to salvage it somehow first.
Now in the case of my friend and my SIL, both women went out on their husbands. I can't imagine doing that either, it's just not in my make up. If I didn't want to be with my husband I would get out first and then hook up, not sneakily hook up and then leave, but that's just me and I'm not judging because I just don't understand. And so then...they go out on their husbands, THEN I could see them possibly feeling guilty and the lack of trust and it all just being too much to even think about going back.
In my SIL's case, it's weird. She has a guy that loves her, but she claims she will never marry him that the only person she would ever marry is my BIL and she seems to think they might end up back together "someday" but in the meantime, her guy friend lives with her and loves her. It doesn't make sense. I don't see her and my BIL getting back together after all this because of all that's went down, and how much they both have changed. I think they both still have love for one another but it's different now.
I don't know what will happen in my friend's case and I can't really understand his wife's point of view. And then of course it's hard on him cuz he was blindsided and doesn't want this, well now he is accepting it, but still I'm sure he wishes they could turn back time. (If I could turn back time by Cher is now playing in my head lol)

 

[Street Knight]

My situation is similar to your friends'. I was married almost 20 years. The doctor would not let me return to work as "medically disabled". Two weeks later, my wife came in and said "you're not going to be making any money and I'll probably have to go back to work. So this would be a good time for me to be single." The first time in my life that I had needed someone to help me, and I'm all on my own. One day, we are talking about our future and the things that we are going to do; a few hours later, there is no future and no "us"
Later, I found out that she had been calling her 1st boyfriend from her high school and they had been talking for quite some time. I also found out that she had been unfaithful frequently over the years.
I am not saying that I was perfect, I'm sure that I could have been better in some ways. But there was no violence, no affairs, no drinking, no drug use, etc. While I am far from perfect, there was no reason for her to abandon our marriage on the spur of the moment.
I stumbled across some information on the web, and I am certain that she has a personality disorder that causes her to act in this way.
My advice would be to grasp firmly to his faith. For me the desolation and despair was crushing. God held me firmly (more firmly than I was able to be). God showed me his love. I still struggle with the emotions and feelings. But it is getting better.
Apparently he has friends to lean on. Sometimes he will need to vent and talk about things. I know that I struggled with being angry with myself that I did not see these things and was angry that I had ever trusted her, I felt that I 'should have known better" or "should have seen this coming". Unfortunately, I had allowed myself to get to a place were my wife is my only real friend. (Not so unusual for men) So I had no one to really talk to.
God and friends will get you through all of this, but it will take lots of time.
My prayers for your friend.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well I have never been divorced but I did have a husband die, and I have been dumped. My love of my life before my husband, dumped me and 8 months later married someone else. We had been together for 5 years! I thought we would get married. It took me awhile after that to learn that you just cannot make anyone love you or stay with you no matter how good of a person you think you are. I don't understand people that cheat. I just don't. It's like they want their cake and eat it too and they surely wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. How they justify that in their own minds, I don't know cuz to me, there is no justification.
One time my old boyfriend called the house when I was married and I was cooking dinner and my husband was in the other room. I was shocked to say the least, and I did have a random thought that I would like to just see what he looked like etc, (it had been about 12 years at that time since we broke up) but immediatly I said NO WAY am I jepordizing my marriage just to "see" him after all these years. I'm so glad I made that decision. Even still the devil managed to make my husband argue with me about the call later that evening, like I even KNEW he was going to call. My mom had given him my phone number and hadn't had a chance to tell me yet, (thanks mom) And if I HAD gone to see him, I'm sure our marriage would have had major problems as it should.
ow, so sorry about your divorce. LIke I said I've never been divorced. I did

 

[Street Knight]

Sorry if I sounded too bitter or something. Really for the best overall. But I can really empathize with your friend.

 

[blackribbon]

Sorry if I sounded too bitter or something. Really for the best overall. But I can really empathize with your friend.

I didn't detect any bitterness in your post. It is a heartbreaking story. Just at the point where everything got "real", you were left to make it alone. I am sorry.

 

[Street Knight]

Thank you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I didn't detect any bitterness in your post. It is a heartbreaking story. Just at the point where everything got "real", you were left to make it alone. I am sorry.

I didn't either, and I thank you for being so frank and sharing with us. It would seem to me, if that happened to me, that I would feel like our whole life together was a lie. Did you feel that?

 

[Street Knight]

Exactly. In a very real way, almost everything she ever said or did was a lie. I felt that 20 years of my life was wiped out. Every good memory, for me was good because I was sharing this with her. I realized, because of the things that I found out recently, that I never really meant anything to her. She told me that I did, but it was all lies too. I was always just an object to be used for her purposes. Really difficult to accept. And I was really angry with myself for a long time, for being so foolish, for loving her so much, for believing her and trusting her so much.
Some of the things that were said in the OP reminded me of the things she said and did. If it turns out that your friend's wife has the same personality disorder, he needs to run from her. But it will be the hardest thing he has ever done. He has to cling to God and rely on his friends to be there for him as he "peels the onion".
Sorry for the long post

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Ugh, well this weekend I went on FB and he was on there blasting her for being an adulteress. I understand he has pain, and anger, but putting their business out there on FB for everyone of their friends to read is NOT a good idea. He saw me on there, and said sorry you are seeing Nancy and I arguing on here, to which I replied that what he is doing is NOT helping and he needs to journal it or something. NOT post it on FB and he needs to stop pointing out HER sins because that only makes her feel she is definitely justified in leaving. That he needs to be kind to her when he DOES have to speak to her, no matter if he is dying inside. Thankfully he did listen. He knew he was wrong, and possibly a big part of why she left, but he still was blindsided and she had no intent on trying to save the marriage. She said on FB when she first left that she has been unhappy for a long time and needed some "space". But shortly after moving out with her mom (because her mom lived with them too) she had the guy from school move in and is sleeping in the same bed with him. I shouldn't even know this but it has been posted plus my friend shared it with me. As a Christian this is wrong, BUT she still gets the same opportunity for forgiveness by God that we get so we should not throw stones because she is making bad choices at the moment. We all do it and while my sin may never be adultry, I still sin and still need forgiveness.

 

[razzelflabben]

currently I'm helping a friend get through a rough divorce, basically, I always counsel her to live a Godly life, a Godly example no matter what. Together, we work on her doing just that, and she is so far, doing just great, you can really see the power of God alive in her. So my first advice would be just that, encourage God like ness no matter what is happening.

From the story you tell, your friend has at least a clue what the problem is, which is huge. The lack of emotional oneness. Now it may be too late to save the marriage, but your friend knows where to start a process of reconciliation. Let me see, the shortest route to how this knowledge might play out.

First your friend repents of his lack of emotional oneness with his wife. A sin that lead at least in part to the current sinful situation. Secondly, he repents for his wife's sin of leaving rather than cleaving. As the husband, he is the priest of the household and as such, repenting on behalf of the wife and family unit is important. It doesn't mean she is no longer responsible for her own sin, what it means is that God is seeing a heart that is not blaming, but taking responsibility for the entire marriage not just his own sin in the marriage. He is showing spiritual headship iows. After the repenting and pouring out his heart to God, I would advice him to ask God how to reconcile, for opportunities to show his wife, the love of Christ and how Christ is changing him into a more Christ like image. When these opportunities arise, trust God completely to work in and through "him" to show the wife real love. Finally, based on what you have told us, endure, persevere, be patient, pray without ceasing, and in all this, do NOT sin.

Well, that is what I would tell my friend anyway. May the Lord grant you both wisdom, grace, mercy and peace as you pursue this journey in the Love of Christ.

Just read the last part about him blasting her for adultery...adultery is part of the story of the friend I am helping through this, we have talked extensively about how unChristlike and how hurtful to reconciliation this type of retaliation would be. So far, in the power of Christ, my friend has with held such attacks...

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

currently I'm helping a friend get through a rough divorce, basically, I always counsel her to live a Godly life, a Godly example no matter what. Together, we work on her doing just that, and she is so far, doing just great, you can really see the power of God alive in her. So my first advice would be just that, encourage God like ness no matter what is happening.

From the story you tell, your friend has at least a clue what the problem is, which is huge. The lack of emotional oneness. Now it may be too late to save the marriage, but your friend knows where to start a process of reconciliation. Let me see, the shortest route to how this knowledge might play out.

First your friend repents of his lack of emotional oneness with his wife. A sin that lead at least in part to the current sinful situation. Secondly, he repents for his wife's sin of leaving rather than cleaving. As the husband, he is the priest of the household and as such, repenting on behalf of the wife and family unit is important. It doesn't mean she is no longer responsible for her own sin, what it means is that God is seeing a heart that is not blaming, but taking responsibility for the entire marriage not just his own sin in the marriage. He is showing spiritual headship iows. After the repenting and pouring out his heart to God, I would advice him to ask God how to reconcile, for opportunities to show his wife, the love of Christ and how Christ is changing him into a more Christ like image. When these opportunities arise, trust God completely to work in and through "him" to show the wife real love. Finally, based on what you have told us, endure, persevere, be patient, pray without ceasing, and in all this, do NOT sin.

Well, that is what I would tell my friend anyway. May the Lord grant you both wisdom, grace, mercy and peace as you pursue this journey in the Love of Christ.

Just read the last part about him blasting her for adultery...adultery is part of the story of the friend I am helping through this, we have talked extensively about how unChristlike and how hurtful to reconciliation this type of retaliation would be. So far, in the power of Christ, my friend has with held such attacks...

Excellent advice, thank you for sharing. I DO encourage him to Be what God called him to be and work on himself and HIS relationship with God. Also to renew his mind by reading the Word of God and praying all the time for direction and for his wife, but not specifically the way you have described, so I will do that next time I talk to him.

 

[razzelflabben]

Excellent advice, thank you for sharing. I DO encourage him to Be what God called him to be and work on himself and HIS relationship with God. Also to renew his mind by reading the Word of God and praying all the time for direction and for his wife, but not specifically the way you have described, so I will do that next time I talk to him.

I'm in deep study right now, on how Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her and how the bride is to respond to that Love...starts in Eph. 5....anyway, there is so much we can learn about marriage that we never really touch on, because we fail to understand how Christ loved us and that that is the same love husband's are called to have for their wife...likewise, we fail to understand what our response was suppose to be, rather than solely what it was...well, now I'm babbling, sorry...praying.