I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. Up until about 2 months ago we were sexually active, which changed because we have both come back to God. We have had our fair share of difficulties and my struggles with a combination of anxiety and depression in the last 8 months have not helped. He is my best friend, but I often feel unsure of whether or not we are each other's best fit for marriage.
I have always wanted to be with a man who feels confident and is a natural leader, which he is in all aspects of his life except our relationship. He seems unsure when choosing what we should do during a day spent together, he constantly asks my opinion on daily tasks that should be he own, and he doesn't know how to take charge. I have talked with him about this, particularly in the context of being a man of God, and representing Him in our relationship, but he seems anxious about any and all of this. He says he wants to be these things, but does not know how. I want to help him feel capable and confident, because I think that it could really make both of us much happier. How can I do this?
Take a few minutes and imagine being married to an unsure man for the next 50 years. Seriously; I'm not exaggerating. Just do it.
I ask you to do this because what you are asking the forum for is not a solution that will last a week or a month, but the entirety of your life - assuming you don't want a divorce and intend to be married to one man until one of you dies. So adjust your thinking accordingly. Not only are you looking for a solution that will last 40, 50, 60, or more years but it must be resilient enough to adapt to you and your spouse as you change personally and maritally over the years.
And, dear jt18, you do not have any perspective what that's like, especially if you're young.
I'm going to ask you some questions and give you some basic direction because I'm a professional counselor but I do not expect this will be discussed in an internet platform.
You mention anxiety and depression. Who is anxious and who is depressed? Are you or he in treatment? Both conditions are generally solvable problems when working with an experienced counselor. On occasion when not solvable or solutions take time to accomplish much improvement in managing symptoms is possible. Get that done before getting married. Whoever has the diagnosis should discuss the diagnosis and treatment with the other person and invite them into treatment periodically because the two will be
married.
Marriage means "
to join."
Second, I'm encouraged to read the two of you are no longer sexually active and have recommitted your lives to Christ. Premarital sex is highly correlated to future divorce and stopping sexual activity often ends a dating relationship so it is a concern you two were active but a positive sign you've stopped and the relationship endures. Dating less than three months but longer than three years are also correlated to divorce unless there is a reason for the length of time such as one of you being in college or in the military stationed overseas.
You want a strong leader in a husband. Does your boyfriend know that? Does he know what that looks like? Where is your father? Where is his father? What mentors do either of you have in the body of Christ?
Most of my work is with couples and abuse/trauma victims, but I also do a lot of work professional and in lay capacity with young men. Here's some reading I recommend for the two of you:
"
Boundaries in Dating,"
and "
How to get a Date Worth Keeping," by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"
10 Great Dates to Have Before You Say 'I Do'" by David and Claudia Arp (do the exercises)
"
Letters to Philip" by Charlie Shedd
"
Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey
For your boyfriend I recommend the Gordon Dalbey book "
Healing the Masculine Soul," and also "
Samson and the Pirate Monks," by Nate Larkin.
Every mature Christian has learned how to live in-relationship. There is no such thing as solo Christianity. No marriage thrives in a vacuum. Every individual must have someone with whom they can share their life in real, honest, and forthcoming ways. Every spouse needs a same-sex confidante. Women tend to call them "prayer partners;" and men tend to call them "accountability partners" but the labels aren't important. Wise young couples have an older couple from whom they learn by watching their examples up close and personal. I'm 60 and my wife 55, and we just received our annual Christmas card from the elder couple who did our pre-marriage counseling and with whom we've shared our life and marriage for 23 years. Shouldn't be a problem for you to find in an RC congregation. Live courageously.
Get connected.
To someone in addition to yourselves.
