Help?

[Keturah Nikole]

First off, I can't believe I'm actually writing this. I've tried to just ignore everything for so long, but now, I'm finally allowing myself to see things for what they truly are.

In a nutshell, my father has been emotionally/verbally abusive to me for about 6 years now. But last night, things jumped a level and he physically hurt me. Things started when I was a Sophomore in high school and I started gaining weight. I tried everything to lose the extra pounds, but nothing's helped and here I am 6 years later at my biggest ever. As I just kept gaining and gaining, the fat jokes started and won't stop. It's gotten so bad my 2 younger brothers have picked up on it and will without remorse, torment me about it and call me hurtful names and tell me I'm never gonna get married because what guy is gonna want to marry a whale(/moose/tub of lard/etc)? They constantly make jokes about my now ex-boyfriend, even when we were still dating - about how he must have been either really blind or extremely desperate to date me. I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm ugly and to not even attempt makeup because it's useless and it would take a miracle to make me look pretty.
All these things, I've just tried to brush off, because they're my family and I have to live with them anyway, so why fight it? It's not gonna do any good.


Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a cold that I've had for a month now. I've been trying to get rid of it on my own, but after a month, I gave up and went to get professional help. The doc gave me some antibiotics, as well as a shot in my sitting area. And I'll admit, I'm a BIG girl, so there's a lot of area there for me to sit on. So, I didn't want to say anything about it to my father, because I mean, why fuel the fire? So I didn't.

Later that day, when my Mom came to pick me up from work, I told her about it, mostly because it still kinda stung and this was like 6 hours after the fact. On our way in the front door I was telling her not to tell Dad and/or my brothers, because I just didn't want them to know. Well, Dad heard me say that he's not to know something and got a bit defensive. We joked around for a few minutes and he 'temporarily confiscated' something of mine until I told him what it was. Then he started laughing and refused to give back my item. That's when the abuse started. I went to get my thing back and in an attempt to grab me by my hair, he hit my head. Then he finally got a rather large firm fistful of hair. It hurt so badly that I couldn't move for a minute. He ended up pulling out some of my hair. I ended up on the floor in front of his recliner in pain and when I went to get up, he kicked me in the face. *He says the kick was a reflex, but what was it a reflex to? Who knows.* My nose is extremely sore and throbbing still and this was at 6 pm yesterday(the 7th). Also, my mouth is quite sore. It feels as if maybe a tooth or two shifted, but I'm not sure, because nothing looked different and there was no blood - just swelling and pain. After I got ice and was sitting on our couch crying and holding ice to my face he said "There are consequences to withholding information". A few minutes later, my mom sent me to my room to go to bed while everyone else went to church without me. Oh, did I not mention that? Mom was sitting right there the whole time. Now, granted, she did consistently tell him to stop, but she's an itty-bitty thing and he's a big guy so really, there was nothing she could do to stop him.


I've talked to 2 friends tonight and both are telling me to move out and report him. But I'm scared to do either thing. If I report him he'll probably be taken away, and if he's gone for more than a couple days, we won't have enough of an income as a family to keep a roof over our heads and my mom, 2 brothers and I will become homeless. That would be great right before Christmas.


And if I move out, first off I'd have to leave most of my things behind because I have nowhere to put them. *My best friend and her family have offered me a place to stay at their house, but I can't just pack up all my things and take them with me. It would take at LEAST two or three trips, maybe more. And after the first, I'd be locked out, because I'm sure my family would change the locks immediately.* Also, I have this terrible gut feeling that my family would completely turn their backs on me and act as if I never existed. And I'd hate that, because as abusive as they are, they're still my family.

I need help. I definitely could use your prayers. But also, advice would be GREAT.

 

[If Not For Grace]

LEGAL Likelyhoods:

If you decide to report your father, he will not go to jail other than to be "booked" He will make bail and be home in a couple of hours. (Remember any defendant is considered innocent until PROVEN guilty). Later there will be a court date set. IF he were to be convicted, (he would likely plead it out to a lesser offense)-then there would be no jail time assuming this is his first offense. He would likely be placed in "anger management" classes and perhaps on unsupervised probatiion. IF he gets probation a seond offense during the probation period could result in revocation of the probation but that would be up to his probation officer's discretion.

^The above is neither and endorsement nor an opposition to your decision-just the likely outcome.

Your family is not likely to want you to pursue legal remedy-it would mean bringing a problem to light and having to admitt (or more vehemently deny) their level of invovlement in the issues-and you can bet your Dad will be miffed. Not easy to face on your own. Not impossible-but whatever you decide go into with your eyes wide open. Including knowing that it is not just going to "stop".

I would not place "things" above my personal safety. "Things" can be replaced.
Do you have a job? You are technically an adult. Perhaps you can move in with these people or find a roomate and move out simply as an adult.

The situation at home is unlikely to change and may escalate. Is there a chance you can enroll in an out of town college with Dad's consent? Getting out in the most amicable way possible is the first order of business. We have to endure hardships and life is not fair. What has happened to you is not fair, it hurts and IF you are to break this cycle (otherwise you are likely, believe it or not to marry an abuser) Time and Distance must be obtained as well as financial independance.

I hope you can continue with the professional help. If you can get to another session I would definitely report the incident to the counsler at a minimum and if you have access to a camera (like a friend's cell phone) I would take pictures (email a copy somewhere they can not be confiscated) of any brusing now-in case you need them later. Prayers
Grace

 

[Keturah Nikole]

Thank you for that legal information. I guess I hadn't really thought that it would be such a small punishment for beating up your daughter, but okay. I still don't think I'm going to report it, because as you said, my family definitely wouldn't want it and it wouldn't make things any easier between us.

I wasn't attempting to place my things above my safety. I had no idea he was going to hurt me when I went to get it. Normally in that kind of situation, he will just mess around and maybe grab my arms and hold them so I can't move them to the object.

I have a very PART TIME job, that doesn't even pay $400 a month, so paying rent somewhere - not a possibility, sadly. I was already in an out of town college for 3 years. This is my 1st year back home, and I can't afford to go back. I already owe thousands of dollars to them and they won't allow me to return until it's payed off. Hence my job - and I'm searching desperately for a new one that pays more.

I'm not sure what you mean by continuing with professional help. The only help that was in my original post was my visit to the doctor and that was to a medical express center for my cold that I've had for over a month. I'm planning on taking pics when I go to get ready for work in a few minutes. I don't think there will be anything to show, but we'll see.

 

[Johnnz]

Tell him next time he does anything like that you will report him. Tell him that you have told others about it too. That should place him on high alert. If he does that again, then do report him, for his own sake. Something is out of control within him.

John
NZ