Help!

[Goobersmooch]

Please help me if you can. I have never been like this. I am so angry right now. I am so tired of my past being thrown in my face. It's been since March that I attempted suicide. I take my medicine ALL the time I never miss a dose and I have not been depressed. In fact many times I feel balanced. I have been trying to find a job and this week i started an assignment but It was just too hard physically on me especially after injuring myself back in May. So i quit the assignment. I haven't had a car wreck in a year and a half and i realize i wasnt driving during most of that time but the point is i could have snuck out many times and used the car(even though im not on the insurance) and I didn't. I am telling you all of this to preface what has happened in the past few days. I have had my past suicide attempts thrown in my face, I was told by allen that his sister says i have had too many accidents and should never drive again(Why does he tell them everything i do wrong???? I never told them about him raping me.) and now i am told that because i quit my assignment he thinks i am not doing my best and my mom is even acting like i am this HUGE disappointment. I can't help this. It's who I am. I did get a glimpse this week of what I can accomplish. I put all my insecurities aside and applied for jobs I wouldnt have before because I was confident in myself to do my best. I even redid my resume. It was really bad before and now it looks awesome. So all those good feelings just get washed away everytime i turn around and see the scowl on Allen's face or hear the disappointment in my mom's voice when i talk to her on the phone. I am also tired of my husband calling my mom when he has a problem with me. It's like the 2 of them are dealing with me like I am a child or something. I just dont know where to go from here. I am really afraid of what I will do because I am so stressed out and dont feel like I am thinking clearly enough.This is new for me. I'm use to being angry with myself not other people. I am so mad at them right now. My husband tonight said that If i can forgive myself and make amends than we can move on. I have forgiven myself..it's him who wont move on. Am I going to be making ammends the rest of my life??? Do you know how many times ive talked about the rape since it happened??? TWICE! I stopped talking about it because i didnt want him to feel bad anymore since it was over and he said he was sorry.im getting so tired of trying to be everyone's "perfect" fill-in-the-blank. I give up.

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear GoobersmoochIt's time for this to stop!!! Go to your mother and tell her your about to end your life and need immediate help!!!Ask her to have you committed so that you can get the treatment you need.Don't worry about money or anything else.If you are committed you will have 28 days AWAY from these problems and folks. Time to make sure your on the right meds. Time to pull things together. Time for them to reflect on just what they have been doing.Your life is MORE IMPORTANT than anything!!! Treat it as such. Maybe it's time they come to your beckon call.FIGHT FIRE WITH A GENEROUS TIME OUT!!!BUT JUST REMEMBER: " EVEN THOUGHT YOU CAN'T SEE GOD, HE IS THERE!!! " steven

 

[Alive again]

Goobersmooch, For me anger is one of the symptoms of my illness I have the most trouble soritng out. I don't like being angry, but anger is a God given enotion that is a reaction to sin. Often when it is a sin against us it becomes confusing for us to figure out how to deal with it. This has been where my individual an dmy hbby an dmy's marriage counseling has been the most effective.

So I wwill go back to a couple of my favorite counseling/coping topics. . .

1.) Boundaries-what is your stuff that you are responsible for dealing with and what is someone else's stuff-whether these choices are healthy or unhealthy you cannot be responsible fro someone else's choices, doesn't wpork and only leads to a great deal more stress and distress for anyone, whether thay have bp or not.

2.)The Drama triangle http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm

Are you stuck in any of these rolesersecutor, Victim, or Rescuer??? None of these three roles are healty adult coping styles. So if you recognize any of these paterns or roles, then learning a new style will help you be heathier whether you family ever choses to be healthier or not (It sure was easier having couples counseling to help with these issues for both of us though.)

3.) Fair Fighting Rules http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html

My hubby and I actually agreed to a list similiar to this of fair fighting rules and either one of us can say-I feel like that was a break in our rule not to acccuse each other. we had to get through some counselign to get to the point where we could agree to these rules.

And one of the cornerstones is switching from you statements, You just don't understand, you always have to have the last word, you are tryign to tell me waht to do, etc to I statements. I feel like you don't think I am safe to drive, Can we talk about that, because I am feelign hurt by that idea. I am hurt that you don't seem to think I am safe to drive. I feel like you and Mom are treating me like a child. Even I am hurt by the way you and Mom talk about me sometimes. I would appreciate it if you and I could deal with this issue without involving Mom yet. I fell like that would help me to cope with our marriage and my illness better right now. Or I would appreciate it if. . . or I feel hurt and then I seem to just build into anger when you and I are unable to talk about this without it feeling like you have to tell MOm everything.

It also helped me to clarify was I hust, was I lonely or was I really angry, what was the root emotion that eventually led to me feeling so angry about everything. It took a lot of pratice and this little review is extremely helpful, as my hubby and I had a challenging conversation last night, My hubby still likes to move straight to the "YOU" accusatory statements but he is getting so much better about not feeling attacked and needing to deeend himself about everything, including mundane little things that I might say.

This did take a lot of couseling for both of us and my own counseling, I don't know if you have access to that kind of help and finding a good counselor can be a challenge, but there are some good resources on the inter net and some good books out there. My favorite boundary books are by Henry Cloud. One of my favorite books is "The Myth of The Submissive Christian Woman" by Brenda Waggoner. As I have a strong and opinionated personality at times, it helped me realize how to be who God created me to be and how to not mow over everybody in the process-how to be submissive to God first and how not to walk aroudn felling guilty all the time for choices not to be everyone's rescuer!!!That is indeed my favorite role to paly , right next to victim. i had been locked into those 2 unhealhty roles my entire life and my hubby had steeped right into the persecutor and victim roles.

Anyway, long response to say, I don't know if these things are what is happening for you, but these concepts have changed my life and my marriage for the better, healthier! My prayers are with you!

 

[raylenar]

My thoughts are with you. I have posted some similar problems under the thread, New Dagnosis. My husband and his mom are doing the same thing, and it really hurts. My husband has been in denial for a few years that anything could be wrong with him. A while ago he got so mad at me that he demolish one of our doors with his fists. That was scary for me, as I grew up in an abusive home. He has since then refused to spend any time talking about it, since he said he was sorry. Later on he called 911 saying I was suicidal, which I wasn't, and took the door down so they wouldn't see it. And yet he says that all the problems are me. But they aren't, and neither are they in your situation.

I'm' not sure what you should do, but at this point allowing someone to abuse you and keeping quiet is torturing you. You need to find someone you can talk to. It's not about retribution, it's about taking care of yourself. I know this is hard to do, because I go through these symptoms too. Just keep seeking for help. and going to the hospital is not a bad idea at this point. You need a safe place where people are going to understand what you're going through and not hurt your feelings.

I hate it when people deliberately say mean things. I even hate it when people are mad at me, or disappointed in me. I am mad enough at myself, and frustrated enough. I just need love, comfort,and understanding. But those in my life have yet to understand that, and I feel for what you're going through.

Take care!!

 

[Goobersmooch]

My thoughts are with you. I have posted some similar problems under the thread, New Dagnosis. My husband and his mom are doing the same thing, and it really hurts. My husband has been in denial for a few years that anything could be wrong with him. A while ago he got so mad at me that he demolish one of our doors with his fists. That was scary for me, as I grew up in an abusive home. He has since then refused to spend any time talking about it, since he said he was sorry. Later on he called 911 saying I was suicidal, which I wasn't, and took the door down so they wouldn't see it. And yet he says that all the problems are me. But they aren't, and neither are they in your situation.

I'm' not sure what you should do, but at this point allowing someone to abuse you and keeping quiet is torturing you. You need to find someone you can talk to. It's not about retribution, it's about taking care of yourself. I know this is hard to do, because I go through these symptoms too. Just keep seeking for help. and going to the hospital is not a bad idea at this point. You need a safe place where people are going to understand what you're going through and not hurt your feelings.

I hate it when people deliberately say mean things. I even hate it when people are mad at me, or disappointed in me. I am mad enough at myself, and frustrated enough. I just need love, comfort,and understanding. But those in my life have yet to understand that, and I feel for what you're going through.

Take care!!

Thank you all for your responses. Especially you and your empathy means a lot to me. Alive-I did use the I statements a lot in my arguments. I tried very hard to not be acusatory but it was in the heat of the moment so i was probably not perfect. Thank you though for the reminders of how to be angry and not sin. I do need to remember that. I didn't feel like any of those roles this time. I was not being a victim because i was standing up for myself and not saying what i use to say which is i hate myself enough i dont need your help. instead i feel fine about myself and i dont hate myself. I am happy with who i am I just am tired with all the persecution i keep getting for my past actions with present descions that i make.To the other poster thank you for your thoughts. I am sorry you are going through this as well but it is nice to have someone who understands. I was having some thoughts last night of dying to punish them but then i realized how wrong that was. I'm not in danger of that anymore I just have to figure out if this is going to be a repeating cycle with Allen. Then I can figure out if I need to leave him or not. Keep me in all of your prayers.Melanie

 

[walshclan]

Goobersmooch: You are doing really well considering the situation. Keep up the good work. Now tell Allen that you are doing a good job. Tell him a really smart sane person told you so. Tell him, he's not doing so hot... no don't tell him that, we always want to do positive reinforcement. Tell him he has great taste. There we complemented him. Feel free to complement him again. Now what is his love language? Ask him. Is it touch? Is it gifts? Is it words of affirmation? Is it time together? Is it acts of service (helping him with stuff that he would like to get done)? There is a quiz on the following web site: http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=lovelanguages Once you have figured out his love language shower him with love in his love language. When he asks you whats going on tell him that you are showing him love in the way he loves and then tell him what your love language is. If he never asks you showed him the love of Christ and that is all we can do. I bet though this will improve your marriage and when you bring up that you are uncomfortable with him going to your mom with stuff he will be more receptive.

 

[Goobersmooch]

Allen and I took the love language bible study a long time ago. I seem to remember his giving love language is Touch and service. I think he wants Affirmation, touch and service. he's very affectionate man and he also has a low self esteem so when he is complimented it does him good. he wont say so but you can tell. I am tocuh(Which i never was before i married him because of my past abuse but i have learned to love snuggle time) and i like gifts.oh yeah allen likes to give and recieve gifts also. what i should do is more house work i am not lacking in the other categories for him so if i get out there and do something for him like do the laundry tomorrow while he is sleeping so his clothes will be ready for the week. thank you for your suggestions. i will definitly try that. oh and thanks for the compliment i am happy...he and i had a discussion this morning about it all and this evening he decided to show me he trusts me by leaving my medicine box unlocked. just in case i need aspirin or something. he said he wants to show me he trusts me again. that made me feel good. anyways, it's a beginning right?

 

[Alive again]

Goobersmooch, I tried to post yesterday, but my computer was not cooperating, good old dial up anyway! I am so glad to hear things ar elooking up and it sounds as if you are doing an awesome job keeping clear in your thinking and actions!!! Praying for you as I also have lived in a challenging marriage and it is tiring and not easy. Pray that the HOly Spirit will make you an dyour husband the man and woman of God you were designed to be!!! My prayers are that you will both be filled with God the HOly Spirit and that you will be given wisdom from on high about your relationship!!!!

 

[Goobersmooch]

I pray that too Alive. If he could lead this house by God's authority instead of his own Things might be different. He is a christian that has fallen just like I have. He wont talk about the bible much less read it. He doesnt want to go to church(he always come up with some excuse why he can't go.) Now that he works graveyard he doesnt have to have a reason anymore. I've started slacking off as well. I'm not perfect..i've come up with many excuses of my own not to go to church and i feel it's from his example towards me. How is it possible that I am falling away from God but I still have faith in him to take care of me? It's like a child who knows his parents will always love him and take care of him and put a roof over his head but he wants to rebel anyways. He talks with his parents about what he needs and maybe to pray for friends in need but when it comes to being good he just is lacking. Like having a curfew isn't important to him. Showing love and respect for his parents rules doesn't mean anything. How is it possible that I still have a relationship with Jesus and at the same time I am not obeying him. Well not with everything in my life. Does anyone have the answer to this one?

 

[walshclan]

How does one have a relationship with Jesus and not obey him?

Well when you were a little kid or a teen were you good all the time? (the answer here is NO) but you still had a relationship with your parents or guardians right? Well, it's like that with Jesus. The better you obey him the better the relationship but the relationship never goes away. Once you give your life to him you are always his daughter.

Connie

 

[Alive again]

Amen and even more so than we can understand, cuase God's love is not based on our choices, behavior or actions!!! He loves us period. It is impossible for our human minds to comprehend, we want to think that it is effected by something because then we could understand it, but it is impossible for us to change God'slove towards us. What changes in our relationship with GOd as we draw closer is us, our heart, our focus, our choices, our understanding and knowledge of God, nothing about God ever changes-It blows my mind to try and comprehend it. It Is true freedom-thorugh grace-freedom to be loved and accepted just as we are and freedom to choose and grow. How can obedience to something we fight so hard sometimes really be a light and freeing yoke, it just doesn't make sense to us, but it is, it is. Prayers and blessings!

 

[Goobersmooch]

Wow those are such refreshing and comforting thoughts to soak in. Thank you so much for showing me what I know but have forgotten for some reason. I was having a bad dream about Satan and so I got up to come in here and try to get some comfort by reading about God. I dreamt I was calling the spirit of Satan for a challenge and Satan showed up with a vicous dog to fight me. I demanded that Satan show me wonders that only God could do. Then I called on God to do them and Satan disappeared. It was scary though because I was being physically attacked there for awhile. Not sure why I would call Satan out in my dream and so I am scared now. Why would I do that? Subconciously or Conciously that is a dangerous thing.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hi Goobersmooch

Yes...dreams and spiritual warfare can be down right "freaky"

But just like you did in your dream, by calling on God, Satan has to leave. So next time you're scared, just call on your Heavenly Father!