Hi I am new here and just needed to rant for a few minutes. Here's my story:
In Sept of 2002, I read a personals ad on yahoo for a guy in the seminary in the town I live in. I answered the ad and we started to go out. After 4 weeks we got engaged and planned to get married in Aug 2003. Everything felt kind of fake. He was always apologetic and very clingy. He has problems with his relationship with his mom and he told me both of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him - so I figured that those were the problems. Well in April I was reading his email and saw an email from his x. She wanted him to write a letter admitting to being the father of her child. He told me that he was a virgin (I even told him that I wasn't and he made a big deal out of it, when he wasn't either). Anyways so he said that she is lying and then he cried for a while. I talked to his x and she said that he was liar and that I didn't know him very well. Of course I stuck up for him. Well I found out later that he is the father and that he lied to me from April until Aug. He actually knew about the baby since before he met me. I felt so stupid for sticking up for him at all. We had a big blow up after we got married in Aug over the fact that he had lied about everything he had told me about everything. Well we agreed to start over. Things were kind of rocky, but I had figured that if I were in his situation I would be very embarassed and would have had a hard time telling anyone about having a baby out of wedlock and bein at the seminary to be a pastor. I got over that. Well we were okay untill Dec. I found out that he is porn addict. I was very upset, but once again I forgave him. But I did forgive him and he promised me that there was nothing else (oh, he even put an ad on a porn web site "Man seeking discreet relationship"). I asked him every question- one of which was whether or not he had ever been to a strip club, he said no. Right after Christmas I found out that he spent $ 200 on a lap dance at a strip club while we were married. I was furious and punched him. I sent him packing. Well I broke down and took him back. We withdrew him from the seminary and we are seeing a marriage counselor from the seminary. That was in Jan 2004. Well in March, I caught him looking at pornography again. He never admits to anything, he will only admit after the evidence has been presented. Well I got over that. I keep forgiving and turning the other cheek, but I feel like nothing has changed. I am so frustrated. I don't feel like I can trust him. He cries about everything, he cries more than I do. I hate stereotyping, but I feel like I need a man who will take responsibility for his actions. Our counselor says that my husband is addicted to porn and that it might help if we agree to relieve his urges about every 3 days. This last porn problem, my husband said was because he hadn't been relieved. I go so far out of my way for him, I do anything for him and he doesn't ever do anything for me. He loves baseball so I took him out to a game - I bought $200 seats and sat through the whole game. This was yesterday. Last night he was upset that he was too hot, because the air conditioning wasn't on (I have a problem with dryness because of a disease and I can't have the air on all night). He never cuts me any slack for anything. I always have to do everything. He keeps saying he will change, but he hasn't changed anything. I feel like I'm at my end.
Well we decided a few months ago that he may believe that God exists, but he doesn't actually have faith in God.
I am just so frustrated. Everything turns into a fight. Sometimes I think maybe God does not want this marriage to go on. I am very afraid of being alone, so I don't know what to do.
If anyone has any advice and or prayers, they would be much welcomed.
Kim
In Sept of 2002, I read a personals ad on yahoo for a guy in the seminary in the town I live in. I answered the ad and we started to go out. After 4 weeks we got engaged and planned to get married in Aug 2003. Everything felt kind of fake. He was always apologetic and very clingy. He has problems with his relationship with his mom and he told me both of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him - so I figured that those were the problems. Well in April I was reading his email and saw an email from his x. She wanted him to write a letter admitting to being the father of her child. He told me that he was a virgin (I even told him that I wasn't and he made a big deal out of it, when he wasn't either). Anyways so he said that she is lying and then he cried for a while. I talked to his x and she said that he was liar and that I didn't know him very well. Of course I stuck up for him. Well I found out later that he is the father and that he lied to me from April until Aug. He actually knew about the baby since before he met me. I felt so stupid for sticking up for him at all. We had a big blow up after we got married in Aug over the fact that he had lied about everything he had told me about everything. Well we agreed to start over. Things were kind of rocky, but I had figured that if I were in his situation I would be very embarassed and would have had a hard time telling anyone about having a baby out of wedlock and bein at the seminary to be a pastor. I got over that. Well we were okay untill Dec. I found out that he is porn addict. I was very upset, but once again I forgave him. But I did forgive him and he promised me that there was nothing else (oh, he even put an ad on a porn web site "Man seeking discreet relationship"). I asked him every question- one of which was whether or not he had ever been to a strip club, he said no. Right after Christmas I found out that he spent $ 200 on a lap dance at a strip club while we were married. I was furious and punched him. I sent him packing. Well I broke down and took him back. We withdrew him from the seminary and we are seeing a marriage counselor from the seminary. That was in Jan 2004. Well in March, I caught him looking at pornography again. He never admits to anything, he will only admit after the evidence has been presented. Well I got over that. I keep forgiving and turning the other cheek, but I feel like nothing has changed. I am so frustrated. I don't feel like I can trust him. He cries about everything, he cries more than I do. I hate stereotyping, but I feel like I need a man who will take responsibility for his actions. Our counselor says that my husband is addicted to porn and that it might help if we agree to relieve his urges about every 3 days. This last porn problem, my husband said was because he hadn't been relieved. I go so far out of my way for him, I do anything for him and he doesn't ever do anything for me. He loves baseball so I took him out to a game - I bought $200 seats and sat through the whole game. This was yesterday. Last night he was upset that he was too hot, because the air conditioning wasn't on (I have a problem with dryness because of a disease and I can't have the air on all night). He never cuts me any slack for anything. I always have to do everything. He keeps saying he will change, but he hasn't changed anything. I feel like I'm at my end.
Well we decided a few months ago that he may believe that God exists, but he doesn't actually have faith in God.
I am just so frustrated. Everything turns into a fight. Sometimes I think maybe God does not want this marriage to go on. I am very afraid of being alone, so I don't know what to do.
If anyone has any advice and or prayers, they would be much welcomed.
Kim
