Hello, and thanks for taking time to read this.
I am seeking christian advice about, well, I guess it's homosexuality.
Let me give you a little background. I'm 21, and all my life I've had "one-sided" relationships, I was always on the giving end and never felt like anyone really knew me. 2 years ago I met "Lacy". Lacy is 23, has been a christian since childhood and is a mature christian. That is just one of the things that I enjoy so much about our friendship. As a saved but not growing christian when I met her she challenged me in many ways. God has worked through her in a lot of ways and I have grown SO much in the Lord these last 2 years. She felt the same about her history of friendships, generally keeping a wall between herself and others. I guess that is the weakness that started this all: We believe that friendship is supposed to be more than the superficial relationships people have today. The problem is that we don't know many people that have a really close friendship. We live on opposite sides of the nation and visit each other perhaps 2-3 times a year, flying over during airfare sales and the like. We talk on the phone several times a week and it's a hobby of ours to send interesting mail, so we write sometimes, too.
During one visit we discussed how magazines encouraged young girls to experiment with one another, and how horrible that was. I guess it opened a level of comfort that it shouldn't have. We had questions about what the big deal was (with guys) about breasts and somehow convinced ourselves it was okay (believe me, I know now it's not. Sin is blinding.) and explored each other with eyes, hand and mouths above the waist only. We knew it was wrong to some extent and repented (not wholeheartdly then, I think) but the next 2 times we were together it happened again. The last time we both were convicted and truly repented to God. Now we are dealing with the consequences of sin- I am forgiven, but I am afraid that it may have been more than the act that I need to deal with. It is scary to see the power of Satan and how did I think that was acceptable? We met in another state and had a dream of going there (seperately, before we met) and were going to be roomates. As a consequence of our sin we know that wouldn't be smart and we've lost that dream. It hurts. I feel lost but even more I feel scared that I might be homosexual.
As a young teenager I prayed earnestly to God for protection from sexual temptaions my peers faced. He answered that and I have not had desires for a long time. I have no desire to have sex with Lacy. I do not desire to be with other women. Yet I do not desire to have a boyfriend, either. I read a book about purity, and it was talking about a man and woman wanting to be together, not sexually, but just as companions, to go at the adventure of life together, to partner in serving God... These people were in love. And it scares me that I have those feelings with Lacy. I want to move to that state and be her roomate and hang out, all those things best friends do.
I don't even know what to ask of you- what advice do I want? I feel so lost and confused. I want to know if I'm being blinded again. I want to know if it's allowed for us to talk. I want to know if I'm going to end up causing more pain than I already have.
Please help me, I don't know what to do. I'm praying and I'm having a lot of growth in faith, even getting baptized next week (the church I originally attended did not practice full immersion) and it's amazing what God is doing in my life, especially considering. I just don't know if there's something I should be doing or letting God have and if so, what does that look like?
Thank you so much for taking time to listen.
I am seeking christian advice about, well, I guess it's homosexuality.
Let me give you a little background. I'm 21, and all my life I've had "one-sided" relationships, I was always on the giving end and never felt like anyone really knew me. 2 years ago I met "Lacy". Lacy is 23, has been a christian since childhood and is a mature christian. That is just one of the things that I enjoy so much about our friendship. As a saved but not growing christian when I met her she challenged me in many ways. God has worked through her in a lot of ways and I have grown SO much in the Lord these last 2 years. She felt the same about her history of friendships, generally keeping a wall between herself and others. I guess that is the weakness that started this all: We believe that friendship is supposed to be more than the superficial relationships people have today. The problem is that we don't know many people that have a really close friendship. We live on opposite sides of the nation and visit each other perhaps 2-3 times a year, flying over during airfare sales and the like. We talk on the phone several times a week and it's a hobby of ours to send interesting mail, so we write sometimes, too.
During one visit we discussed how magazines encouraged young girls to experiment with one another, and how horrible that was. I guess it opened a level of comfort that it shouldn't have. We had questions about what the big deal was (with guys) about breasts and somehow convinced ourselves it was okay (believe me, I know now it's not. Sin is blinding.) and explored each other with eyes, hand and mouths above the waist only. We knew it was wrong to some extent and repented (not wholeheartdly then, I think) but the next 2 times we were together it happened again. The last time we both were convicted and truly repented to God. Now we are dealing with the consequences of sin- I am forgiven, but I am afraid that it may have been more than the act that I need to deal with. It is scary to see the power of Satan and how did I think that was acceptable? We met in another state and had a dream of going there (seperately, before we met) and were going to be roomates. As a consequence of our sin we know that wouldn't be smart and we've lost that dream. It hurts. I feel lost but even more I feel scared that I might be homosexual.
As a young teenager I prayed earnestly to God for protection from sexual temptaions my peers faced. He answered that and I have not had desires for a long time. I have no desire to have sex with Lacy. I do not desire to be with other women. Yet I do not desire to have a boyfriend, either. I read a book about purity, and it was talking about a man and woman wanting to be together, not sexually, but just as companions, to go at the adventure of life together, to partner in serving God... These people were in love. And it scares me that I have those feelings with Lacy. I want to move to that state and be her roomate and hang out, all those things best friends do.
I don't even know what to ask of you- what advice do I want? I feel so lost and confused. I want to know if I'm being blinded again. I want to know if it's allowed for us to talk. I want to know if I'm going to end up causing more pain than I already have.
Please help me, I don't know what to do. I'm praying and I'm having a lot of growth in faith, even getting baptized next week (the church I originally attended did not practice full immersion) and it's amazing what God is doing in my life, especially considering. I just don't know if there's something I should be doing or letting God have and if so, what does that look like?
Thank you so much for taking time to listen.
