Help with non-virgin gf

[Meanings]

Hey guy's this is my first post I am seeking advice about a non-virgin gf.

My girlfriend is a born again christian and always has been. She lost her virginity at the age of 12 and a half. It was not by choice but she was raped by five men and yes she did get pregnant. She was with twin boys but miscarried at four months. She was super depressed and didn't even feel human. The simplist thing a woman can do is have a baby and she feels she couldn't even do that. Now she is almost 16 and I am 16. She has just brought this up to me and I do not think it was wrong or I should stop dating her. Infact it has made me want to become closer to her. Is it wrong for me to keep dating her? It was not her fault she had no choice. And she does feel terrible but she could not do anaything.

 

[Matariki]

What happened to her was wrong and wasn't her fault. She didn't lose her virginity out of choice or free will, it was taken from her by force. She may not be physically a virgin, but if she values marriage and strives for a soulful covenant with one partner and seeks to wait until marriage to engage consensual sex with whom she is married to, then she is spiritually still a virgin.

The only concern I have in a situation like this is: Are you spiritually and emotionally mature enough to be in this realtionship? Is this what God wants for you?

I suggest praying with her about this, together, and reading the bible about matters regarding courtship. I would also suggest seeking counsel from an elder or pastor whom you trust and lives up to the written example given in scripture.

 

[iambren]

"Infact it has made me want to become closer to her."


THIS stood out to me from all you said; it's kind of intriguing. Deep down ask yourself what was it about this situation that made you closer. Do you want to be the rescuer? the restorer? the validator?

All of those are not what you want to build a relationship on. I agree with the above, go slow and with counsel.

 

[Sketcher]

What happened to her is not her fault. What matters is how she treats you. Sounds like she needs to get some counseling though.

 

[dayhiker]

I think it shows she trusts you to tell you about this bad rape experience she had at 12.5 I suspect your one of only a few she has told. Being that young its unlikely that her body could have taken twins to full term anyways. So the miscarriage might be the bodies way of protecting itself. I've known mature women who have had as many as 3 miscarriages before caring their baby to full term.

Sounds like your both being quite mature for 16 ... but it would be good for each of you to educate yourselves about the mental effects of rape and also miscarriage and the grief a woman feels with that loss.

 

[Luther073082]

Hey guy's this is my first post I am seeking advice about a non-virgin gf.

My girlfriend is a born again christian and always has been. She lost her virginity at the age of 12 and a half. It was not by choice but she was raped by five men and yes she did get pregnant. She was with twin boys but miscarried at four months. She was super depressed and didn't even feel human. The simplist thing a woman can do is have a baby and she feels she couldn't even do that. Now she is almost 16 and I am 16. She has just brought this up to me and I do not think it was wrong or I should stop dating her. Infact it has made me want to become closer to her. Is it wrong for me to keep dating her? It was not her fault she had no choice. And she does feel terrible but she could not do anaything.

Why would it be wrong for you to keep dating her?

 

[Meanings]

"Infact it has made me want to become closer to her."


THIS stood out to me from all you said; it's kind of intriguing. Deep down ask yourself what was it about this situation that made you closer. Do you want to be the rescuer? the restorer? the validator?

All of those are not what you want to build a relationship on. I agree with the above, go slow and with counsel.

I want to be closer because I never want this to happen again. I already feel like its my fault this even happen'd and I have no clue why.

 

[Sketcher]

I want to be closer because I never want this to happen again. I already feel like its my fault this even happen'd and I have no clue why.

Why would you be at fault for what five grown males did to her 4 years ago?

 

[Meanings]

Why would you be at fault for what five grown males did to her 4 years ago?

Man if I knew I'd tell you.. But I have no clue.

 

[Luther073082]

Man if I knew I'd tell you.. But I have no clue.

I think you need to figure out that one first and fix it. You sound like you are blaming yourself for something that in no logical way you could have caused, changed, or prevented.

 

[Inkachu]

Of course what happened to her wasn't her fault. But since you're both still children (yes, 16 years old is still a child), she needs to seek counseling if she hasn't already done so. What happened to her was monstrous and there's no way she's just going to "get over it" without help and time. And if you stick by her through this, that would be a wonderful way to show how much you care about her.

Also - the idea that "the simplest thing a woman can do is have a baby".. that's an insane way to think. Having a baby is NOT simple, it's one of the most trying, exhausting, complicated, taxing things that can happen to a woman. And since this poor girl was only 12 years old when she was raped, it's NOT surprising at all that she miscarried; her child's body wasn't ready to handle a pregnancy. Many young teen girls cannot carry a baby to term.

 

[Tamara224]

Hey guy's this is my first post I am seeking advice about a non-virgin gf.

My girlfriend is a born again christian and always has been. She lost her virginity at the age of 12 and a half. It was not by choice but she was raped by five men and yes she did get pregnant. She was with twin boys but miscarried at four months. She was super depressed and didn't even feel human. The simplist thing a woman can do is have a baby and she feels she couldn't even do that. Now she is almost 16 and I am 16. She has just brought this up to me and I do not think it was wrong or I should stop dating her. Infact it has made me want to become closer to her. Is it wrong for me to keep dating her? It was not her fault she had no choice. And she does feel terrible but she could not do anaything.

Is she in counseling? She most likely should be.

My advice is that you also talk to a counselor about this. Go to your school counselor or a state-funded place - find someone who can give you information about helping a loved one heal from rape. Educate yourself on things that can trigger your girlfriend (cause her to relive the trauma of the event) and avoid those things. Make an attempt to understand what she has gone and is going through.

It seems like you already recognize her delicacy and that's good. Asking whether you should be dating her seems to me that your heart is in the right place and you're concerned about what's good for her. That's awesome! Very mature of you.

So.... one of the first things post-rape counselors might tell you to do - for her sake - is to stop referring to your girlfriend's rape as her not being a virgin. She didn't "lose" her virginity, she was forcibly brutalized.

Leave her virginity out of it. By talking about the rape as a "loss of virginity" you're minimizing it (making it less horrific, normal) and also implying that her value as a person has been diminished by what those brutes did to her.

You don't have a "non-virgin gf".... you have a girlfriend who was raped as a child.

Be sure to affirm her as a person. What do you like about her personality? Her sense of humor, artistic talent, bright mind, kindness, etc, etc... what are those things that are just her and that you enjoy? Tell her those things. Remind her that her worth as a woman is not tied up in whether or not her hymen is intact.

Most importantly, be her friend.