Help with my relationship

[Inkachu]

I still haven't seen Ashley answer the question about whether they've been sexually active or not.

 

[98cwitr]

I still haven't seen Ashley answer the question about whether they've been sexually active or not.

I wouldnt expect her to either...I wouldnt want to get put on the CF e-ChoppingBlock with a big red F drawn on my chest.

How hard it is to rebuke and correct without a judgmental tone on the internet

I will leave by telling Ashley this: A person, including yourself, is held accountable based on their own actions and not the actions of others. To thy own self be true.

 

[Inkachu]

I think it's a totally valid question when they're living in the same house. I won't be surprised if she answers it or doesn't answer it.

 

[98cwitr]

my girlfriend at the time lived with me when I was 15 (I had a very liberal mother), and I know what we did...there is no reason not to assume what seems to be obvious imo.

 

[Inkachu]

But we're not supposed to assume are we? We all know what assuming does...

 

[contango]

I was in two minds whether to jump in, but what the heck.

The boyfriend has an issue with porn. It happens. It's not good, but men are visual creatures and we respond to visual stimuli. It's hard to tell from the original post whether this guy is a porn addict (as so many have been quick to call him), a guy who watches porn now and then, or a guy who only occasionally uses porn to help relieve tension. None of those are good things but the bashing and acting as if a guy who uses porn is just garbage who deserves to be tossed aside is really unhelpful. Most of us struggle with one sin or another, so let's not make out as if one sin is worthy of being branded "pathetic", "loser" etc while our own sin is not.

Whether you and this guy have actually had sex or not is ultimately your own business and you don't have to share it with people on the internet however much they press the issue. If you haven't, keep it that way and do what you need to do to keep it that way until you've got that band of gold. If you have, repent and stop doing it. That's not going to help him with his desires and the ready availability of porn but it can be overcome even if it is a struggle.

The fact he hides his porn use is hardly surprising. It's not exactly a topic of discussion over dinner is it? Can anyone see it happening - "I watched a video of three lesbians in the hot tub this afternoon.", "Oh, that's nice. Pass the potatoes."

Bashing over living with parents at 21 is also really unhelpful. Not everyone is in a place where they can support themselves at 21, and "living with parents" doesn't necessarily mean "freeloading". I lived with my parents until I was 26, and as soon as I started working I made a fair contribution to the household expenses. I would just qualify that by saying if you're not in a place to be independent you're probably also not in a place to be cohabiting with a boyfriend either.


The biggest concern to me, to be perfectly honest with you, is just where this guy is spiritually speaking. Someone already raised the issue of whether he's going to church because he has (or wants) a relationship with Jesus or if he's just going through the motions so he can be with you. If he's just putting on a good show to get some activity in the bedroom, he's playing you for a fool. If he's truly seeking a relationship with Jesus then encourage him in that, encourage him to quit the porn, and don't give him the real thing until you're married.

 

[OzSpen]

That's the thing he doesn't want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed and thinks everyone is going to judge him. He has been going to my church since we have started dating because i drilled it in him that if he wants to date me he will go to church, which he has accepted and actually gotten to know a few people really close from ym chrch. I just feel like he doesn't want people to help and it really hurts.

What does that mean for you? If he won't seek help from a counsellor, most of whom would not judge him but are there to help him, then he's sending a big message to you. He doesn't want help and the sooner you leave that relationship the better.

Men who continue their porn and do not get help will not break the cycle of addiction.

Going to your church does not make him Christian. There is a loud message coming to you by his inaction.

If he doesn't seek help from a counsellor, I'd recommend an exit from that relationship ASAP. A man who loves you would not be seeking stimulation from another source while he is dating you.

In Christ,
Oz

 

[Bluelion]

Who's bashing? You're getting awfully defensive, Ashley. The questions I asked were completely reasonable.

Your dad is OK with you having a porn addict boyfriend living in his home? What is your parents stand on this relationship? I frankly can't imagine a father allowing a young man to live in his home with his daughter, knowing that he's using porn while in a relationship with her.

I've given you advice on what you need to do. Are you really ready to receive advice, or are you just wanting to hear what will make you feel comfortable and reassured?

If your parents caveat is that you live at home until the two of you married, why aren't you getting married?

Maybe she is getting defensive because everyone is judging her and her parents. Just a thought. Have you been judged for your sin, does Jesus condemn you when you ask for His help? No. So why do you do it to others? None of us is with out sin, try loving first instead of judging. and that goes for all the judges in the Thread.

Judging does not bring anyone to God but sends them running.

 

[Bluelion]

But we're not supposed to assume are we? We all know what assuming does...

Are you the judge? then why do you need to convict her? are you The Holy Spirit? These jobs belong to God not you.

 

[Inkachu]

Maybe she is getting defensive because everyone is judging her and her parents. Just a thought. Have you been judged for your sin, does Jesus condemn you when you ask for His help? No. So why do you do it to others? None of us is with out sin, try loving first instead of judging. and that goes for all the judges in the Thread.

Judging does not bring anyone to God but sends them running.

"Judging" her how? What "judgement" have I handed down upon Ashley's soul? I've told her that she's worth more than this current situation, that she's got her whole life ahead of her, that she deserves GOOD things in life.

Christians are not only permitted, but expected to judge right and wrong, good and evil, wise and unwise. And we are permitted and expected to give counsel and advice to our brothers and sisters, especially when they ask for it!! If someone is doing something foolish, and they say "Help, I need advice!" would you say "Sorry, I can't comment, peace be with you" or would you say "Stop doing the foolish things you're doing! It will lead to destruction!"

My gosh. We've become so horribly PC that we can't speak the truth to each other anymore.

 

[Inkachu]

Are you the judge? then why do you need to convict her? are you The Holy Spirit? These jobs belong to God not you.

For heaven's sake, Blue, calm down and stop being so melodramatic. No one is "convicting" anyone here. She asked for help and advice. People are giving her advice. You know, advice often includes things like thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Does the Holy Spirit ever use a fellow Christian to help convict someone in sin?

Maybe you should try reading some of Paul's rather scathing letters to his fellow believers not living as they needed to live.

 

[Bluelion]

"Judging" her how? What "judgement" have I handed down upon Ashley's soul? I've told her that she's worth more than this current situation, that she's got her whole life ahead of her, that she deserves GOOD things in life.

Christians are not only permitted, but expected to judge right and wrong, good and evil, wise and unwise. And we are permitted and expected to give counsel and advice to our brothers and sisters, especially when they ask for it!! If someone is doing something foolish, and they say "Help, I need advice!" would you say "Sorry, I can't comment, peace be with you" or would you say "Stop doing the foolish things you're doing! It will lead to destruction!"

My gosh. We've become so horribly PC that we can't speak the truth to each other anymore.

Your not speaking truth but personal Judgement. Yes we are to Judge by those Judgement God already gave us not our own personal Judgement. In fact God warned about personal judgement. Judge not less you be Judged, for the measure in which you judge shall be measured back to you.

Are you with out sin?

Its has nothing to do with pc, and if you read what i wrote i showed her error, however, I spoke truth about God Judgement of the sin and how he see it. I did not condemn her. It called love and kindness and you should try it some time.

People want nothing to do with Christians because all they do is judge. Jesus did not teach us to do that nor did he do it in His ministry.

 

[Bluelion]

For heaven's sake, Blue, calm down and stop being so melodramatic. No one is "convicting" anyone here. She asked for help and advice. People are giving her advice. You know, advice often includes things like thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Does the Holy Spirit ever use a fellow Christian to help convict someone in sin?

Maybe you should try reading some of Paul's rather scathing letters to his fellow believers not living as they needed to live.

Look I am in school for ministry I read the Bible about 5 hours a day every day, how about you?

So now you judge me as being melodramatic and upset. Those are false Judgement I am not upset at all, your the one with the issue. I understand why people judge its easier to point out faults in others then to face are own.

Advice does not involve Judgement. Now why are you getting so defensive? Why won't you take correction? You were just condemn her for that.

The Measure in which you judge shall be measure back to you.

 

[OzSpen]

"Judging" her how? What "judgement" have I handed down upon Ashley's soul? I've told her that she's worth more than this current situation, that she's got her whole life ahead of her, that she deserves GOOD things in life.

Christians are not only permitted, but expected to judge right and wrong, good and evil, wise and unwise. And we are permitted and expected to give counsel and advice to our brothers and sisters, especially when they ask for it!! If someone is doing something foolish, and they say "Help, I need advice!" would you say "Sorry, I can't comment, peace be with you" or would you say "Stop doing the foolish things you're doing! It will lead to destruction!"

My gosh. We've become so horribly PC that we can't speak the truth to each other anymore.

Well said, Inkachu.

 

[Bluelion]

You need to go read your Bible, Blue.

I always need to read my Bible Got anything else?


If your suggesting I am not In line with Gods word i would like to see that? Chapter and verse.

 

[KnowHisJoy77]

My gosh.'ve become so horribly PC that we can't speak the truth to each other anymore.

True! I am not here to please men but God.

The bible calls sin "slavery", the root to habitual sin "idolatry", to flee from "sexual immorality" and that include sex.. and so on...those having biblical conservative standards are the problem now? Again, I am not here to please men but God. Judgemental? I am sure used to a more conservative forum. And Ashley post would have been posted at women's forum, same gender advice and conversation. According to Barna 64% Christian men see porn monthly and 21% say they are addicted. There are many many married Christian women dealing with this issue in their homes. This is reality.

Ashley I do pray you get the help you need. I pray that you get clarity. I pray that you ask and get wisdom, understanding and discernment from God!

 

[Inkachu]

Your not speaking truth but personal Judgement. Yes we are to Judge by those Judgement God already gave us not our own personal Judgement. In fact God warned about personal judgement. Judge not less you be Judged, for the measure in which you judge shall be measured back to you.

Are you with out sin?

Its has nothing to do with pc, and if you read what i wrote i showed her error, however, I spoke truth about God Judgement of the sin and how he see it. I did not condemn her. It called love and kindness and you should try it some time.

People want nothing to do with Christians because all they do is judge. Jesus did not teach us to do that nor did he do it in His ministry.

So, only a perfect person (which doesn't exist) is allowed to correct a fellow Christian? Funny, you didn't address my comment about reading Paul's letters, in which he vehemently and harshly corrected his brothers and sisters. In love, yes. In truth, yes. Guided by the Spirit, yes. But it was harsh and it was biting and it was unrelenting nonetheless. And for someone who's so obsessed with not judging anyone, you're sure doing plenty of it yourself, towards me and everyone else in this thread. Pot. Kettle. Black.

I didn't judge. I didn't condemn. Telling someone that they're doing something foolish or dangerous is not judgement and condemnation. Do you even know the definitions of those words? I'm not handing down a sentence on Ashley's soul. I'm not declaring that her soul is condemned to hell. I'm telling her that she deserves better than what she's got. I'm telling her that she's too young and has too much life ahead of her to put up with this guy's nonsense. Hardly "condemning" talk.

 

[Inkachu]

Well said, Inkachu.

Thanks

 

[standingtall]

I am reacting to how she responded to you all and she has not come back Good job, way to win one for Christ.

Mark 10
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22 At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Sometimes difficult truths are hard to accept, so people don't want to hear them.

 

[Inkachu]

Sometimes difficult truths are hard to accept, so people don't want to hear them.

This.