Help with my relationship

[AshleyIsShort]

So I didnt know where to put this and I really need help with this. I'm lost and confused and just dont know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. When I first met him i have found out he looked and watched porn. I told him how i felt about it and how it hurt me and my views on it (he wasn't a Christian at the time), so he told me he'd stop.
About a week ago he left his phone in the shower, so i picked it up to give it to him after i was done in the bathroom. On the screen was a video of two girls having sex. My heart dropped, i felt angry and hurt and lied to. I went up to my boyfriend while he was laying in the room and threw the phone down on the bed and asked him what this was. He played dumb for a second and when I was like "are you looking at porn again" he got really quite. I broke into tears and asked him "why" over and over again. He yells at me and says "I dont know. It just happened. I'm sorry." That night we got into a HUGE argument over everything. I asked him how long this has been going on. He told me it was the first time in like 2 months.

We are still together and everything but i dont know what to do. I love him a lot and i'm glad he has grown closer to God and everything, but i dont know what to do. Whenever I confront him about it or ask him about it he shuts me out. He says he doesnt want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he knows how hurt i am, but i feel like i cant trust him alone. I dont want to break up with him we have been threw a lot together. I dont know, I just need some help.

 

[KnowHisJoy77]

Hi Ashley!

Welcome to CF

If he really wants to work things out he needs to seek help through 12 steps Christian support group Celebrate Recovery is my suggestion. Plus couseling, accountability partners, men support groups. As a woman just his girlfriend and not his wife, you let him deal with his stuff..observe if he is seriously about addressing his issues. Do not nag. If he shows no desire to look for help, I would move on, yes it is hard but God will prepare for you a good man as you prepare yourself to him.. There is a lot of women married with men with porn addictions and many ending up divorcing. It is a huge stronghold, sexual addictions.

If you are living together or having pre marital sex as if you were married, it is a sin. God does not bless relationships like that. If he is not a Christian yet he is not same yoke. Deal with red flags, do not ignore issues. Being in love will not last much with ongoing addictions and denials and baggages.

Do you go to church? Talk to your pastor and his wife. If he is serious about taking your relationship seriously, he would go talk with pastor too.

Thats my personal advice.

 

[JM]

I would recommend you speak to your Elders and seek their advice and council.

Yours in the Lord,

jm

 

[Inkachu]

So I didnt know where to put this and I really need help with this. I'm lost and confused and just dont know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. When I first met him i have found out he looked and watched porn. I told him how i felt about it and how it hurt me and my views on it (he wasn't a Christian at the time), so he told me he'd stop.
About a week ago he left his phone in the shower, so i picked it up to give it to him after i was done in the bathroom. On the screen was a video of two girls having sex. My heart dropped, i felt angry and hurt and lied to. I went up to my boyfriend while he was laying in the room and threw the phone down on the bed and asked him what this was. He played dumb for a second and when I was like "are you looking at porn again" he got really quite. I broke into tears and asked him "why" over and over again. He yells at me and says "I dont know. It just happened. I'm sorry." That night we got into a HUGE argument over everything. I asked him how long this has been going on. He told me it was the first time in like 2 months.

We are still together and everything but i dont know what to do. I love him a lot and i'm glad he has grown closer to God and everything, but i dont know what to do. Whenever I confront him about it or ask him about it he shuts me out. He says he doesnt want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he knows how hurt i am, but i feel like i cant trust him alone. I dont want to break up with him we have been threw a lot together. I dont know, I just need some help.

You are way too young to be dealing with this kind of disrespectful garbage. You need to kick this guy to the curb.

You talk about the shower and the bedroom; I'm guessing you live together? If so, step #2 is to move out (or have him move out). NO living together until you're married to someone.

It's hard enough to find a good man in this world, Ashley. You're only 21. You've got so much life ahead of you. Don't tie yourself down to a porn addict who lies and hides things and breaks your heart over and over again. You deserve better.

 

[yungjah]

Ashley, don't be alarmed by our responses but we want you to be on the right path. I know you are still young [as someone stated that you are only 21].

Being through alot with this guy does not mean you stand a chance to have a successful relationship. A guy that is not willing to change is likely to be dishonest for his entire life. If he respect you as his girlfriend, he should put an end to his his addiction.

Good that you are encouraging him to get closer to God. Keep it up. But if he refuse to change, you really should put an end to this relationship. There are better guys out there that will treat you like a lady. If he is your first boyfriend, don't worry. Wait on the Lord, He will provide you with someone better.

 

[yungjah]

Ashley, don't be alarmed by our responses but we want you to be on the right path. I know you are still young [as someone stated that you are only 21].

Being through alot with this guy does not mean you stand a chance to have a successful relationship. A guy that is not willing to change is likely to be dishonest for his entire life. If he respect you as his girlfriend, he should put an end to his his addiction.

Good that you are encouraging him to get closer to God. Keep it up. But if he refuse to change, you really should put an end to this relationship. There are better guys out there that will treat you like a lady. If he is your first boyfriend, don't worry. Wait on the Lord, He will provide you with someone better.

 

[Hammster]

I would recommend you speak to your Elders and seek their advice and council.

Yours in the Lord,

jm

^^^This.

 

[OzSpen]

So I didnt know where to put this and I really need help with this. I'm lost and confused and just dont know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. When I first met him i have found out he looked and watched porn. I told him how i felt about it and how it hurt me and my views on it (he wasn't a Christian at the time), so he told me he'd stop.
About a week ago he left his phone in the shower, so i picked it up to give it to him after i was done in the bathroom. On the screen was a video of two girls having sex. My heart dropped, i felt angry and hurt and lied to. I went up to my boyfriend while he was laying in the room and threw the phone down on the bed and asked him what this was. He played dumb for a second and when I was like "are you looking at porn again" he got really quite. I broke into tears and asked him "why" over and over again. He yells at me and says "I dont know. It just happened. I'm sorry." That night we got into a HUGE argument over everything. I asked him how long this has been going on. He told me it was the first time in like 2 months.

We are still together and everything but i dont know what to do. I love him a lot and i'm glad he has grown closer to God and everything, but i dont know what to do. Whenever I confront him about it or ask him about it he shuts me out. He says he doesnt want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he knows how hurt i am, but i feel like i cant trust him alone. I dont want to break up with him we have been threw a lot together. I dont know, I just need some help.

Ashley,

I'm a long-term counsellor (Aussie spelling) and have worked with many who have porn addictions. It is a very tough addiction to break and we couldn't begin to solve it here on an Internet forum. Most pastors and elders I know do not know how to deal with this kind of addiction

I'd recommend that he obtain counselling from a counsellor in your community - preferrably a Christian counsellor. It takes a disciplined, insightful and experienced counsellor to help people conquer this kind of addiction. If it were possible for you to attend the first counselling session with him would be a bonus.

In addition, you have to deal with the deceitfulness of what your boyfriend is doing. With the availability of so much porn on the Internet, it will take quite a commitment by your boyfriend if he wants to beat it. Up front honesty about his problem is a starter.

Unless he beats this addiction, your life with him does not have a bright future.

Sincerely, Oz

 

[pdudgeon]

Ashley, don't be alarmed by our responses but we want you to be on the right path. I know you are still young [as someone stated that you are only 21].

Being through alot with this guy does not mean you stand a chance to have a successful relationship. A guy that is not willing to change is likely to be dishonest for his entire life. If he respect you as his girlfriend, he should put an end to his his addiction.

Good that you are encouraging him to get closer to God. Keep it up. But if he refuse to change, you really should put an end to this relationship. There are better guys out there that will treat you like a lady. If he is your first boyfriend, don't worry. Wait on the Lord, He will provide you with someone better.

Amen to this. If he's not at a point where he can be honnest with you now that doesn't speak much towards how he views your relationship--especially if you both want it to go forward.

You've put your position out there for him, and he should either agree with it and honor you for believing this way, or else he should admit that he's not yet ready for such an honest relationship.

At this point i would say that the ball is in his park, and it's time for him to come to terms both as a man and as a Christian.

No one has said that being either of those things is an easy deal, but right now it's the only deal in town and he needs to acknowledge that.

 

[AshleyIsShort]

You are way too young to be dealing with this kind of disrespectful garbage. You need to kick this guy to the curb.

You talk about the shower and the bedroom; I'm guessing you live together? If so, step #2 is to move out (or have him move out). NO living together until you're married to someone.

It's hard enough to find a good man in this world, Ashley. You're only 21. You've got so much life ahead of you. Don't tie yourself down to a porn addict who lies and hides things and breaks your heart over and over again. You deserve better.

We actually live with my parents right now.

 

[stillcrazy]

Ashley,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this with someone you care about so much. The best resource I can recommend for you is My Chains Are Gone | real hope for lasting freedom. This is a resource that God used to end my eight year addiction to porn and I believe that this can help your boyfriend. Porn tells lies about the human body and the website I linked debunks them and helps restore a view of the body that is pleasing to God.

May God Bless You and
May Jesus have mercy on us all,

Carter

 

[Bluelion]

your not going to like what i have to say, but maybe you will understand something.

I bet you to have had sexual relations? and you are not married? well that is a sin? sexual immorality same sin as him looking at porn, both sexual immortality . Jesus said remove the log from your own eye before trying to remove it from your brothers.
You can not preach to him about sin while you are doing the same sin in God's eyes.

Porn is tough, it will take prayers, and God breaking his chains. It is a long battle, he will slip he will get mad, and you can not force him he has to be ready. He is hiding it from you and that is bad, you need to let him know, after you correct your self, that you don't like it, but he can talk with you about it. an Honest relationship can over come many things, it could take weeks or years for him to stop. It takes faith and God changing Him, nothing he can do, he can not battle it on his own, that is the drink of the world and it is every where. It takes God.

I struggle with it my self, I know some minister do also and even came up with a page which i study which basically said it was ok to look at naked women, but not porn, but the naked body was ok. sound crazy? well it is. You should only see your wife naked, and her you, in your case your husband, and him you. any thing else is a sin. as beautiful as the female body is it is not ok. its why God gave us clothes , and why we wear robes in Heaven.

I have stop for years to fall again and then stop for years and then slip again. I wish I had an answer but in every case God took my desire away for it, and I do not and did not want to look at porn even when I did. It is a temptation by the evil one, you must understand this, this is a battle with him. If you love him get married and stick it out, if you don't don't hang around because you will leave down the road.

It takes commitment on both your parts. wish i had the answer, but the computer blocks and all that won't work, praying does work. It Takes an act of God, and that is true with all temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

praying for you both.

 

[Inkachu]

We actually live with my parents right now.

... are they Christians? Why are they supporting this guy? If he's using the internet connection in THEIR home to view porn, they deserve to know about it. They pay for that.

 

[AshleyIsShort]

Ashley,

I'm a long-term counsellor (Aussie spelling) and have worked with many who have porn addictions. It is a very tough addiction to break and we couldn't begin to solve it here on an Internet forum. Most pastors and elders I know do not know how to deal with this kind of addiction

I'd recommend that he obtain counselling from a counsellor in your community - preferrably a Christian counsellor. It takes a disciplined, insightful and experienced counsellor to help people conquer this kind of addiction. If it were possible for you to attend the first counselling session with him would be a bonus.

In addition, you have to deal with the deceitfulness of what your boyfriend is doing. With the availability of so much porn on the Internet, it will take quite a commitment by your boyfriend if he wants to beat it. Up front honesty about his problem is a starter.

Unless he beats this addiction, your life with him does not have a bright future.

Sincerely, Oz

That's the thing he doesn't want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed and thinks everyone is going to judge him. He has been going to my church since we have started dating because i drilled it in him that if he wants to date me he will go to church, which he has accepted and actually gotten to know a few people really close from ym chrch. I just feel like he doesn't want people to help and it really hurts.

 

[JM]

As you can see from the responses you are getting conflicting answers. What’s wrong with bringing this issue to your Elders and asking their advice? They should know you better than random strangers on the internet…unless you are not a member or regular attender of a church?

 

[AshleyIsShort]

... are they Christians? Why are they supporting this guy? If he's using the internet connection in THEIR home to view porn, they deserve to know about it. They pay for that.

actually yes MY PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS... Him and I lived together with roommates, my dad didnt like the idea that we lived in the same room together. So my dad said hey till yall get married yall can live here since we have 4 open rooms. He sleeps in one room and I sleep in another. So before you bash ME, MY BOYFRIEND, or MY PARENTS you should ask first. My dad knows about it. He told me my dad about it... As I had said before "He is too embarrassed to talk to someone he is really close to because he knows what he does is wrong... so if you have got nothing to help me with PLEASE leave......

 

[98cwitr]

That's the thing he doesn't want to talk to anyone because he feels embarrassed and thinks everyone is going to judge him. He has been going to my church since we have started dating because i drilled it in him that if he wants to date me he will go to church, which he has accepted and actually gotten to know a few people really close from ym chrch. I just feel like he doesn't want people to help and it really hurts.

Ashley, what about the relationship with this person convinces you it's still worth pursuing? Do you think his church-going has become genuine, or do you think it's to satisfy your ultimatum? If the latter, what value is there in it and are there any long term repercussions? This matter is larger than porn, because the root of the matter is essentially the condition of BOTH your hearts.

 

[KnowHisJoy77]

We actually live with my parents right now.

Why and how? How come your parents allowed this situation? Are they really okay with this arrangement or they were pressured by you some how?

No wonder you are confused and lost with the whole situation. God is not God of confusion but order. I am praying for your whole family. Where is your father leadership in all of this? And your mother saying? Do you go to school, do you work? And about the boyfriend? Does he work and go to school? Where is his family? Tell him to move out, to go home or to find another living arrangements. And you take time out of this whole situation. He is not your responsability, he needs to grow up and take care his own stuff. Meanwhile, please! Get into some Christian support group, same gender, to have encourament and share stuff..in safety, face to face.

You are so young! Please, remove yourself from this situation! You do not need any of that. Give all your burdens to Jesus, He cares for you. Trust Him, He will direct your every step. Trust Him. GOD BLESS YOU!

 

[Inkachu]

actually yes MY PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS... Him and I lived together with roommates, my dad didnt like the idea that we lived in the same room together. So my dad said hey till yall get married yall can live here since we have 4 open rooms. He sleeps in one room and I sleep in another. So before you bash ME, MY BOYFRIEND, or MY PARENTS you should ask first. My dad knows about it. He told me my dad about it... As I had said before "He is too embarrassed to talk to someone he is really close to because he knows what he does is wrong... so if you have got nothing to help me with PLEASE leave......

Who's bashing? You're getting awfully defensive, Ashley. The questions I asked were completely reasonable.

Your dad is OK with you having a porn addict boyfriend living in his home? What is your parents stand on this relationship? I frankly can't imagine a father allowing a young man to live in his home with his daughter, knowing that he's using porn while in a relationship with her.

I've given you advice on what you need to do. Are you really ready to receive advice, or are you just wanting to hear what will make you feel comfortable and reassured?

If your parents caveat is that you live at home until the two of you married, why aren't you getting married?

 

[Inkachu]

Ashley, what about the relationship with this person convinces you it's still worth pursuing? Do you think his church-going has become genuine, or do you think it's to satisfy your ultimatum? If the latter, what value is there in it and are there any long term repercussions? This matter is larger than porn, because the root of the matter is essentially the condition of BOTH your hearts.

Good points. Anyone can sit in a church pew and put on a show. If he's going home and looking up porn, obviously what's going on in church isn't doing jack for his spiritual growth.