Some might know already, but I'm a Christian daughter of non-Christian parents (and a non-Christian brother) who have tolerated my faith for 10 years and are starting to lose patience with me. I'm 24 years old, fresh out of college, and due to the jobs market being what it is, I've struggled to find employment for 6 months.
I know that I keep slipping up, asserting myself too much, expressing opinions that they don't like and stating my rights too loudly. This happens when they yell and emotionally blackmail and scapegoat and swear at me and invalidate my feelings, when they call me all kinds of names and say I'm deluded. They use the fact that I'm their dependent and cannot support myself as an excuse to treat me in this way and make me do whatever they want, and expect politeness, submission, grace, pleasant language and quietness from me in return. In family discussions, if I express my standpoint then I am indiscreet, dogmatic or deluded; if I do not express my opinions I am hiding my head in the sand.
I sometimes get infuriated. My hackles rise because this disparity of rights - resting solely on power - feels unfair. My family situation would be the perfect case study of a feminist, they'd probably call it a model of patriarchy. The bottom line for them is always that I cannot support myself; that as I am not contributing an equal share to the financial running of the household I have no right to complain at my treatment. The problem is that I can't contribute an equal share, because I am struggling to find employment. I should swallow what they say and take it on the chin, but sometimes I don't: I complain, and sometimes I shout, and sometimes I object to what they are doing and put them in the blame, and I know that this is the wrong way to behave, but the temptation is strong. I should simply accept it as my cross and bear it, knowing that they are godless, and prime specimens of the political hypocrites in society who go around making everyone think they care about the rights of the vulnerable whilst abusing those who are indebted to them.
I know that as a child of God, it is only right that I should be polite, submissive, gracious, quiet and that I should speak to them pleasantly - and all the more so, the more they treat me unfairly. They are right in what they expect of me, even though their reasoning is wrong. I should be able to bear it, and when I do not, I am not acting as a child of God and I have something to repent of.
Up until this point I can cope. But the situation in which I find it nigh impossible to cope is when I apologise to them for my misbehaviour, and they treat my apology ungraciously. I of course apologise to God and seek to repent for my intolerance, but I also make it my business to apologise to my parents. I can usually process everything else they throw at me, but the singularly most difficult thing is when I humble myself in this way, and they are ungracious. I can't put my finger on why, but not forgiving a genuine apology seems to me to be the height of unreasonableness. It is a horror that I feel I cannot bear - nothing else they do compares to it. Every time I apologise and they are ungracious to me, I degrade myself by feeling and showing anger. The urge to feel angry is so strong. Please someone help me to get a better understanding of this situation, so that I can bear their ungracious acceptance of my apologies?
I know that I keep slipping up, asserting myself too much, expressing opinions that they don't like and stating my rights too loudly. This happens when they yell and emotionally blackmail and scapegoat and swear at me and invalidate my feelings, when they call me all kinds of names and say I'm deluded. They use the fact that I'm their dependent and cannot support myself as an excuse to treat me in this way and make me do whatever they want, and expect politeness, submission, grace, pleasant language and quietness from me in return. In family discussions, if I express my standpoint then I am indiscreet, dogmatic or deluded; if I do not express my opinions I am hiding my head in the sand.
I sometimes get infuriated. My hackles rise because this disparity of rights - resting solely on power - feels unfair. My family situation would be the perfect case study of a feminist, they'd probably call it a model of patriarchy. The bottom line for them is always that I cannot support myself; that as I am not contributing an equal share to the financial running of the household I have no right to complain at my treatment. The problem is that I can't contribute an equal share, because I am struggling to find employment. I should swallow what they say and take it on the chin, but sometimes I don't: I complain, and sometimes I shout, and sometimes I object to what they are doing and put them in the blame, and I know that this is the wrong way to behave, but the temptation is strong. I should simply accept it as my cross and bear it, knowing that they are godless, and prime specimens of the political hypocrites in society who go around making everyone think they care about the rights of the vulnerable whilst abusing those who are indebted to them.
I know that as a child of God, it is only right that I should be polite, submissive, gracious, quiet and that I should speak to them pleasantly - and all the more so, the more they treat me unfairly. They are right in what they expect of me, even though their reasoning is wrong. I should be able to bear it, and when I do not, I am not acting as a child of God and I have something to repent of.
Up until this point I can cope. But the situation in which I find it nigh impossible to cope is when I apologise to them for my misbehaviour, and they treat my apology ungraciously. I of course apologise to God and seek to repent for my intolerance, but I also make it my business to apologise to my parents. I can usually process everything else they throw at me, but the singularly most difficult thing is when I humble myself in this way, and they are ungracious. I can't put my finger on why, but not forgiving a genuine apology seems to me to be the height of unreasonableness. It is a horror that I feel I cannot bear - nothing else they do compares to it. Every time I apologise and they are ungracious to me, I degrade myself by feeling and showing anger. The urge to feel angry is so strong. Please someone help me to get a better understanding of this situation, so that I can bear their ungracious acceptance of my apologies?
God did not give you a spirit of timidity, I'm sure you know that verse. When you come to know the Lord you can't stop talking about Him. I got saved 26 years ago and it feels like 10 minutes ago...been flappin about God ever since as you can well read 