Help with decisions

[vaharmony]

Hi, I am looking for some advice with my situation.

To start off with, I am officially married but am getting divorced as my husband left me two years ago for someone else. I am 28.

I am currently friends with a lovely Christian guy from church. We talk quite a lot and I am aware that he likes me and he is aware that I like him. But he knows my situation and that I currently cannot date anyone.

Firstly, I feel guilty for liking him as I am still married. Should I feel this? I no longer have feelings for my 'husband' and would like to get re-married one day. And my friend is a lovely guy.

Secondly, I sometimes worry that we are too close as we should technically only be friends. We do talk a lot and spend time together (although we try not to be completely alone). But we do hug goodbye all the time. Do you think this is too much? I am finding it hard to feel like we are just friends as I do like him and believe that if I were properly single then we would definitely be more than friends.

On the other hand, I am not sure that I am entirely reading to start dating. I am a little relieved that I am still 'married' as it keeps me 'safe' and I am still keeping up some walls to try and protect myself. I unsure at what point I would be totally comfortable to be in a relationship, or whether this would just take time to trust this guy more.

My plan was to stay friends with the guy at least until I am divorced, and then have some time being single. Then see what happens. But I am afraid I may already be crossing the line. But I can't help my feelings necessarily unless I break all contact.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. THanks

 

[RedWingInCo]

You are right to take your time and establish good boundaries in this relationship. Open and honest communication is always a good starting place. I work for Focus on the Family (A Marriage & Family ministry) and they do have licensed counselors and chaplains available to talk to you at no cost. I encourage you to call and discuss your situation 800-AFAMILY. Blessings on you.

 

[JCLover779]

Have you two talked about this? It seems that would be a good place to start. If he is close to your age, he may or may not be willing to wait. You are kind of in an age that could go either way, and it really depends on the person. You sound really grounded in where you are, and where he may be, and as if you would treat his needs with respect (even if they are different than yours - time-wise).

Based on what you say, it sounds like you do need time to figure out where you are at, and friendship (or a friendship put on hold for a while if that is too hard) is really what you need. But that you are aware that your feelings for him will complicate the matter and maybe cause you to throw your needs out the window.

 

[ValleyGal]

You say it's been two years since you and your husband separated. Is the divorce close to being finalized?

When my son's father left, I took two years to grieve and figure life out on my own. It took another year for the divorce to finalize. About a year after he left, I started to feel healthy and had already grieved a good deal. I felt really great for the next two years. Then the divorce was finalized. I did not expect to then spend another month grieving again. At that time I was so glad I was not dating anyone because it would not be fair to them that I spent time grieving over my marriage.

So only based on my own experience, I would say that if you really are interested in this man and people objectively think you would make a good match, wait until the divorce is finalized.

I'm a little concerned that you feel "safe" because you are still married. Safe from what? As you say, maybe this is an indicator that you are not really ready, in spite of having feelings of attraction to someone. Your marriage/divorce won't keep you safe from your feelings. And if you nurture those feelings, your marriage/divorce won't keep you safe from acting on those feelings eventually.

In a nutshell, wait till the divorce goes through, and if proceedings have not started, you or your husband might want to think about starting proceedings.