Help with 5 yr old stepson

[Woodsy]

I have a 5-year-old stepson as well as a 1-year-old baby with my wife.

My stepson and I have pretty much always butted heads, but it seems worse since the new baby has come along.
My stepson is going thropugh a major phase of not listening, not paying attention, acting too silly (according to his teacher), he never stops talking, he talks much too loudly (my wife thought I was being oversensitive until his teacher confirmed this), and he talks back to his mom.

It's reached the point where I police him so heavily to make sure that he's doing what he's supposed to be doing that he is rebelling just to make me angry.

His teacher and his mom both also acknowledeg that these are real issues, but I am finding it so difficult to be patient - I mean, it's the same issues day in and day out - he doesn't eat over his plate, so food gets all over the table and on his clothes, food gets all over his face and he won't use a napkin without constant prompting, we tell him to wash his face so he goes into the bathroom and simply wipes the tomato sauce off onto a towel then tells us he washed his face, he doesn't listen to what you say when you talk to him so he can't do assignments that his teacher gives him, he argues with you all the times (not with me because I don't accept that), he doesn't wipe his behind well enough so that poop gets on his underwear every day, etc, etc, etc

I don't know what to do. Whenever he starts to talk to me, I brace myself, fearing the worst. It results in a lot of tension.

This boy deserves a good, kind, and loving Dad. I do love the little guy and want what's best for him. I want to do better, and I am always resolving to do better, but it feels like a battle - five minutes after I resolve to do better, he yells at his mother and so I yell at him.

And it's hard because while he's arguing and not listening, it makes it so much easier to just deal with the baby instead of him.

 

[lucypevensie]

A lot of that behavior looks total normal to me. Dropping food, not wiping well enough, food all over the face. I'd say lighten up on those childish things that little kids just DO. Instead of giving in to impatience make yourself calm down and kindly offer to help him wipe, hand him a napkin, etc.

About the yelling and arguing all the time, you really have to set the example in the home to calm down. Raising your voice won't make him argue less.

Maybe he's feeling like an outsider with this new baby. He really needs to know that he has significance and he is loved. It might be good to get him out of the house for a while just him and mom, or him and stepdad.

About arguing with his mom, she needs to take a more active role in this problem than you do.

 

[Evening Mist]

...not listening, not paying attention, acting too silly (according to his teacher), he never stops talking, he talks much too loudly

I mean, it's the same issues day in and day out - he doesn't eat over his plate, so food gets all over the table and on his clothes, food gets all over his face and he won't use a napkin without constant prompting, we tell him to wash his face so he goes into the bathroom and simply wipes the tomato sauce off onto a towel then tells us he washed his face, he doesn't listen to what you say when you talk to him so he can't do assignments that his teacher gives him, he argues with you all the times (not with me because I don't accept that), he doesn't wipe his behind well enough so that poop gets on his underwear every day, etc, etc, etc

These are all normal behaviors for a 5 year old child. He is a little kid. Kids need constant prompting while they eat. They need help in the bathroom for face washing and toileting. They need intense coaching in short spurts with long breaks while doing homework assignments (IMO, 5 is too young for formal homework anyway!) Being a parent to a 5 year old means be willing to coach step-by-step through these activities, every day, day after day, until he starts to "get it" and do these things on his own. You have to be hands on, and vigilant. They need detailed instructions, in very small steps. One direction at a time. He needs a Dad is calm and patient, and doesn't mind doing these small daily things with him -- letting him lead sometimes, and compensating where he falls short.

He *will* be more capable at these tasks in his own time. I guess what I am saying, in a nutshell, is relax, help, and lower your expectations. These are not "bad" behaviors. These are the things that 5 year olds struggle with.

5 is such a little boy. Sometimes its hard to see that because he looks so big in contrast to the baby. But 5 is really a little boy still! He has plenty of time to learn.

It's reached the point where I police him so heavily to make sure that he's doing what he's supposed to be doing that he is rebelling just to make me angry.

This makes me sad.

You absolutely need to put your relationship with him FIRST. Your "connection" with him on a basic level is what will give him incentive to learn from you. He needs to be attached to you, and to trust you.

When he yells, or talks back, try to get to the bottom of his feelings. Then help him to think of a nicer way to say what he needs to say. But recognize that he is somewhat of a mess inside right now. The new baby is making him feel threatened, and having his Dad ride him so hard all the time is probabably making him tense. Its a vicous cycle because the more tense and edgy he feels, the fewer resources he has to "behave."

Learning discipline is like learning anything else. The environment must be optimally condusive to learning. He needs to feel "safe" and relaxed, and supported through these things he is learning -- like how to wipe his bottom and how to eat neatly. Hard lessons for a 5 year old.

Ask yourself this, "What can I do to work with my son on his team, and not as an opponent? How can I work with him toward improvement, and not against him? How can I help him to relax and lower his defenses? How can I encourage him?"

 

[selune]

Indeed it can be hard. And ask yourself, "how would I feel if my world was turned upside down and everything changed?" Here's a kid who not only is entering the new world of school and its trials, but also has to deal with having a step dad (from divorce or whatever reason) and a new baby to top it off with that EVERYONE adores! Ouch.

First off, yes he's loud, like a lot of kids he probably doesn't have a whole lot of time to burn off energy. Everyone says sit down be quiet, do your work be quiet, the baby is sleeping be quiet... This does not excuse this behavior all the time but cut the kid some slack and build in time for him to run like a tiger and make all the noise he can! Then work on specific times when he needs to be quiet and still. I'd be cautious with the school, too many times teachers look to get kids started on Ritalin and such just to maintain calm in a class and it's the first step instead of the last resort. Scary.

When he is rude, tell him "You're being rude, when you are ready to talk nicely to me/your mom then we'll chat, until then take a time-out and think about how you like to be talked to and then talk to us like that. (this will take time, I'm working on it with my 3 and 6 year olds right now and it's a constant process! BUT, it works and they respond.)

Also, remember there is a new baby in the house and this baby gets attention from everyone. This baby is related to both you and your wife, while step-son is only hers and may be feeling left out (even when people are trying to include him). A very real feeling for young step-kids with new siblings is "I wasn't good enough for them, they needed another baby not me. I've been replaced because nobody wants to do things with me. I'm not special enough." Gotta face it, even if these feelings are totally misplaced, They often crop up because of the difficult situation.

I have an intact family of four children and even then there is tension with our 8 mo. old, 3 1/2 year old and the 6 yr. old.

Finally, as to the messy issues, When does it stop? Our almost 10 year old still has food/drink spills due to the gawky physical changes. The 6 and 3 year olds need constant supervision it seems when they are in the bathroom or else there is often a water park mess to clean up.

When they are all grown and out of the house I know there'll be days that I'd trade to hear "Mommy come wipe me!" or "Can you clean this up?" But right now, I'd give almost anything for a day without a mess. It's all the perspective.

Keep your cool and relax, they are only young once, and we only have a short amount of time to get them prepared for what lies ahead. Your family is in my prayers. I hope you and your step-son can build a great relationship that will last through the years.

 

[Woodsy]

I acknowledge that some of the issues are things that I am just oversensitive to.
But it is the case that at school, at parties, etc, he is the only kid who has food all over his face and all over his clothes.
And as far as speaking loudly, I was working to just leave the issue be, but his teacher has complained to us of how much and how loudly he talks, and we have been talking to him about it for months - to no avail. (and yes, we have had his hearing checked and it's perfect).


I know that I majorly need to work on my patience and that that will go a long way towrads helping things. But I'm not sure how to do that. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to be patient, which of course is futile...
I see my failings, and they frustrate me, and I need to figure out how to work with it.

 

[lucypevensie]

heh. I was thinking my 4 year old son was the only messy kid in town. If you give him 1 Dum-dum lollipop he will have that in a ring around his mouth that makes you wonder "HOW...?"

He obviously just doesn't get it yet and doesn't really care either. Which is fine considering his age. However it's something to work on now, patiently and gently. Don't say something like "Look at your clothes and your face...WHY don't you use a napkin" and make him feel ashamed. Good eating manners do begin at home though. Have him wash up after he eats--have him get a wet washcloth, wipe the table (not just his own spills, but the whole table), go into the bathroom and wash his own face. Delegating some clean-up chores might help him develop some pride in his work to keep himself and other things clean. Just remember he's only 5 and you should not expect perfection.

How's the general noise level in your house? I think a yelling impatient parent won't help an already yelling child. Don't expect him to pipe down if you can't.

I don't want to sound all expert and holier than thou--I know it's hard to be patient. In fact I've had one of those "yelling" days today. Patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit (evidence that God is in control of your life) along with love,joy, peace, kindness,goodness, fathfulness, gentleness, and self-control. We really have to let God be in control of our lives in order to exhibit these traits. For me the thing that has helped me most in my quest for patience has been daily Bible study about my specific sinful areas. Also searching for specific verses and memorizing them.

I pray you learn patience from God

 

[Henhouse]

If I can offer this link:

http://www.arborwood.com/awforums/show-forum-1.php?fid=7979

It is a message board for Christian stepparents. We may be able to go more in depth over there.

 

[E-beth]

My son is only 20 months old, but I teach 3-5 year-olds at school. From a professional standpoint, I can certainly understand how some kids rebel in ways that they know will get your goat!

When a kid is a messy eater, one thing to try is to set a goal of keeping a clean shirt. Make it a challenge, and reward if you have to. Or, make it a stepdad/son challenge...let's see who can keep his face the cleanest, mom will judge and the winner gets to pick the video.

A five year old, especially one who is suddenly an older sibling, sudenly wants to be a "big kid" but at the same time wants the attention of being the baby. That is where regression comes in. You might try having some "big boy" fun, just the two of you. Maybe go somewhere that being messy and loud is OK.

The talking loud thing is not always an attention thing at school. Kids have so much pent up energy, and especially when they can't go outside and let it out, loud just feels better. When a kid comes up to me at school, telling me an exciting story and is just about to bust my eardrums, I stop them and say, "Whoa...I wanna hear you but your loud voice is too hard to understand. Start over, but tell me with a quieter voice." And placing my hand gently on their shoulders sometimes helps them remember that I am right next to them, not two states away.

 

[sioleabha]

Back when I used to teach preschool we had a teacher who always spoke in the quietest voice possible. If you wanted to hear her, you had to be quiet, too. She taught 3 year olds, and it really seemed to calm them down. You might also try playing quiet music or dimming the lights when you want him to tone it down.

But I agree that he needs some time to expend his energy. I've heard SO many stories about people telling homeschool moms, "Your kids are so quiet!" Why? Because they get lots more time than other kids to be wild! It doesn't get pent up, it gets released. So designate a special time or a special place where he is encouraged to be a little wild child. Maybe have the threshold for the backdoor be "magic." When you go out you become wild, when you come in you become calm.

 

[HeatherJay]

Wonderful advice so far. I can't really add much more to it. Only one small tidbit that I've noticed makes a huge difference in our house as far as the noise level goes. I'm a stay at home mom with a 2 and 5 year old. All day long the TV is either turned off or kept very quiet. My girls do get loud occassionally, as children will, but it's not at all a problem. When my hubby gets home, for some reason, he HAS to turn the TV up...he says he can't hear it at my level. Well, immediately, I find that my kids start getting louder to be heard over the noise of the TV. The louder the noise of the environment is, the louder voices will be. Maybe your son's teacher has a "talkative" class and your son's voice just seems to carry more than others?

I don't know, but it makes me sad. 5 year olds are not bad just to be bad...if kids act out excessively, there's a reason behind it.

Love, Heather

 

[Evening Mist]

Another quick thought. Five year olds are often not yet ready for school. Its not at all uncommon for parents to wait, and send their child to Kindergarten at age 6 -- this is esp. common with little boys. It might be worth praying on the decision to pull him from school, invest lots of nurturing and attention in him until fall, and then try again then. Such a decision (though an admittedly huge one) might bring peace to your family on more than one front.

 

[HeatherJay]

Another quick thought. Five year olds are often not yet ready for school. Its not at all uncommon for parents to wait, and send their child to Kindergarten at age 6 -- this is esp. common with little boys. It might be worth praying on the decision to pull him from school, invest lots of nurturing and attention in him until fall, and then try again then. Such a decision (though an admittedly huge one) might bring peace to your family on more than one front.

Very true. My 5 year old will have a big advantage, I think. Her birthday is less than 1 month after the cut-off date of September 31. That means she'll be 6 for most of her kindergarten year. We thought about starting her last year (early enrollment), but chose to wait after hearing the advice of our pediatrician and some of the kindergarten teahers who attend our church.

Love, Heather

 

[Woodsy]

I thank you all for your thoughtful and loving input. It has been good for me to hear for more than one reason:

1.) I needed to hear more clearly how much work I need to do on myself in order to handle these issues in the most constructive and healthy manner. I think Lent will be a good time to start some of this more intensive work to deal with my sins of pride and impatience
2.) It was good to hear what other people's 5-year-olds are doing
3.) It was good to get the link to that Christian Stepparenting board
4.) My wife and I have re-opened dialogue on whether we should hold our son back a year. He is the youngest in his class. I tghink pride factored in to our decision not to have him wait another year. We are re-evaluating that.

Thank you all again for your kindness and thoughtfulness.

 

[selune]

Best wishes for your situation. I hope you and your family work things out.