Help with 3 year old

ZekeB

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Hello,

I'm new here.

I'm married with two kiddos, Lincoln (3 yr, 2 mo) and Henry (1).

To preface, Lincoln is so kind, intelligent, thoughtful and sweet. He holds the doors open for people, always says please and thank you etc. He knows all his colors, shapes, letters (capital and lowercase), he can count reliably to 20 + speaks in full sentences etc. When he was 2yr and 8 months old we took him to a new church to see my father in law sing and they put in in the 4-5 yr old group because he speaks like a 4-5 year old. -- None of this is to brag, but to show you developmentally where he is at.

We could really use some advice on how to handle two things:

1. Disobedience/Defiance: I'm a former teacher and my wife is a teacher (I'm 26, she is 27) so I totally get that defiance is very developmental appropriate for a 3 year old. We just want to make sure we are handling it appropriately. Here are some of the ways we handle it:

a. He must always apologize for what he has done wrong, and must tell us what he did. (I'm sorry daddy for throwing a block at you and for screaming and yelling).
b. We give him one warning (such as "Lincoln, please stop stabbing your fork in our nice table"). After that warning, if he continues, we count to three. At three there is either a timeout or a spanking (a tap on the hand - enough to sting, but definitely not hurt him).
c. Timeouts usually last 1-3 minutes depending on severity of disobedience or timeliness (if we are running late for something it'd be 1 minute instead of 3).

2. Whining: This one, honestly, is just plain infuriating. We don't even know how to handle it. I always assumed that by winning he is trying to get his way and if I don't let him have his way (which I don't), he would eventually stop because it was unsuccessful. I was wrong. To give you an example of what he will whine/fake cry/ real cry about:
a. He asks for a drink and I say "Lincoln, please wait one minute. I'm changing your brothers diaper". Instant winning and crying (real or fake)
b. If Henry takes a toy that Lincoln had even thought about using/playing, instant whining.
c. Essentially, anytime Lincoln does not get his way in any way, shape or form, instant incessant whining.
** Again, we do not let him have his way. We explain why we said no (or whatever took place).


For #1 - are we doing this correctly? I've taught middle school and high school, so little kiddos are for sure new territory for me. My wife currently is licensed k-8.

For #2 - Is this just the way it is until he grows out of it? I've met plenty of 3 year olds that (from what I can tell) do not do this.

Thoughts & constructive criticism are welcome!
 

CaspianSails

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As the first person replied, consistency is key. Some will pass with age but not if you are not consistent. Remember the 3 year old you see is not the three year old that lives with his or her parents. It is a tough age and I would like to say it gets better, but I am not convinced that is the case. I think it is more we get used to it and there is always something new. I would point out that counting to three only extends whatever is going on. Better to not count but act immediately, you will definitely see a change with that. Use commands when addressing poor behavior like stabbing the table. Why would you say please, you are not giving the child a choice here. Later in life when children begin to understand you can use please when you want them to do something. Like, please get me a glass of water on your back from the kitchen. As children grow and change so does the methods we use. For a young child no is not an acceptable answer or action. I would see a time out through even if it meant I was going to be late. I always told my children why they were being punished and how to avoid trouble, not that they pay much attention, much like we did not with our parents. So don't get overly stressed, this too will pass. If they behave well when you are not home you are accomplishing something. Try not to laugh to hard when someone in public tells you how well behaved your children are when you know what happens at home. At least you are on the correct path if that is true. At some point, years from now, your children will be the people you would like them to be. It will likely be a while and at another point you will be able to have an adult relationship.
 
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ZekeB

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Thanks for the help so far. We are transitioning out of counting - it used to be very effective. When he was smaller, it could take him up to 3 seconds to decide (you could see it on his face) wether or not he was going to listen. I can't punish a child who needs more time to process what they are doing and if they should stop. We've hit the point where that is no longer necessary.

He is typically an excellent listener, especially when at someone else's house (which is the norm for most) or when we are out and about - but the whining does not stop. We talk about how babies do that to communicate and he is not a baby etc. It does not seem to work. I'm sure the whining will pass (as we do not reward it), but it's incessant.
 
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