I'm new here. I signed up because I really need help and advice.
When things are tough in your life I hear its good to turn to God. But what if your problem is maybe not living up to God's expectations. Who do I turn to when I have little hope for my future in this world and the next.
I hear that Jesus came to die for our sins, and that it is his righteousness that will save us not ours. Yet I constantly hear of having to try to become a better person. I don't have alot of faith even though I try toobtain it and seek God, and for a long time I've struggled with what I think might be idols.
For example I have played video games all my life through lots of fear and stress I arrived at only playing video games 3 hours a day. But even with that I feel like that's not enough for God. I started writing a story a few months ago, but one night I got the idea that it might be an idol, and after a sleepless stressfull night I erased what I had writen. That night I was convinced that the holy spirit was telling me my writing was an idol, but the next day after erasing it I think I was just consumed by fear and doubt and felt like i did something stupid.
Sometime after that I started to take up boxing, but later started to feel like that was an idol and quit. That one might have been an idol.
Recently I talked to my priest about the fact that I had grown up reading comic books and enjoyed science fiction, and that I kept hearing that magic and fantasy where evil in games and books. We had a very good conversation and he helped me understand that those things weren't evil. Today at church though I started thinking of the video games I play, and that while they might not be evil in themselves they might be idols. The reason I felt that was because I can't simply quit whenever because I enjoy them.
This is when things got real bad. A few hours ago I had so much fear of not meeting God's expectations I just broke down. I felt so alone and hopeless I had some slightly suicidal thoughts (the stress and fear was so overpowering with nothing to turn to for comfort). I also contemplated drugs and alcohol. I started begging God for help. I told him that if he didnt want me playing video games all together to please help me. I currently feel very hopeless.
I've had break downs like these every couple of weeks for the last few months (and my faith just plummets). The fear and guilt just pile up and I just break down emotionally. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard spot because if I try real hard to quit video games (like I have before for several months) the fear seems to still stick around and just attach itself to what I'm enjoying at the moment (such as writing a story or boxing). If its God telling to stop all these things I really need his help because I'd be quiting everything I enjoy. If I'm just doing this to myself and its hurting my faith why is God letting this happen?
I don't know what's an idol, and what i simply enjoy. I dont know what I'm supposed to do to become a better person. No matter what I do my faith seems to suck. I don't even know what God wants of me, or if he wants me to be happy. I can't tell which way is up or down. I'm just in a real bad place right now. I'm trying my best and even though I know we can't acheive perfection I fear what I do is still not good enough for God. I really need help.