HELP *poss. trigger DID/mindcontrol* Please help, care

[Sam48]

I really need to talk. I'm so scared. When I was a child they told *brainwashed* me that I'm like them, that I'm bad, they forced me to do bad things... a way to let me believe I'm bad.

I'm being overwhelmed by fear that they are right; flashbacks make me loose control of the here and now.

I know~~ this difficult to explain: that by making me do those bad things, they let me believe I'm like them. Now I'm not orientated and I feel that they come back to hurt me so I feel like hurting other people which I don't want to. Like rather kick someone else before they kick me.

It's like selfforfilling prophecy; I'm so scared I'm bad like them that I rather hurt people before they force me to do that.

Difference is that I'm adult now and that I have a choice. When I'm orientated I know I'm not bad, that they brainwashed me and that I could never hurt someone but I'm scared so I'm getting scared to get scared.

I know I'm not like them but what they let me believe, let me think is so strong and the only thing I can do is pray to God that He will help me.

By letting myself still think I'm bad, I give myself control over my abuse past, which I didn't had; I know how it works. But my T is not in town and I really need support, hugs, prayers, kind words... I'm so scared.*cries*

I hope you understand me. I wanna be good I want to break the chain of abuse and I know I should hug myself, I'm stronger then them and they won't come back.

*trigger DID*

In fact the parts of me that were so brainwashed are two alters, they so need my support. They are NOT bad, they did nothing wrong and I should hold their hands and bring them in the group. The are not bad, they were taught to be bad and they don't see the abuse is over. Please don't say they should disappear, they are as important as I am. They saved me and protected me for so long; now they need my~~ our help.

Will you please pray for James and Henriette? Pray that they féél how much Jesus loves them. Pray that God holds them and not let go. The only way to make them understand they are not bad and that they won't have to relive the abuse is by making them loved, not pushed away. I beg you.

For a few weeks I frooze when I saw a child, filled with fear and now I know why; they were totally scared and triggered by seeing a child, seeing the abuse. Now I know what's going on, I so much ask you to help me~~ us.

They (me) are so scared they have to do bad things they totally freeze. I can't reach my T and I'm not scared they will hurt someone but they are so scared they have to, please help me.



If you're too scared to reply, you can email or PM me; any help is help. If you want to send ~very welcome, an e-card to James and Henriette you canuse my email evelin83@live.nl

 

[Sam48]

Anyone?

 

[goldenviolet]

it must be abit slow right now on the boards. bless your heart. i pray for each part of who you are. ~ love dee

 

[Sam48]

Thank you Lee

 

[.Sabre.]

Sam, that sounds horrible!

I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[Sam48]

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[Sam48]

Thank you, each encouragement is helpfull.

Therapy on monday was rough but pieces start to fill up.

 

[Mayflower1]

I'm praying for you Sam... I might not totally understand this, but I am praying for you.

 

[Sam48]

Thank you

 

[Johnnz]

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. What you are experiencing and thinking is quite common when someone has been badly abused over a period of time.

It does take time to process the many issues involved. Please, don't get discouraged while this is happening. You are dearly loved and understood by Jesus, who is always there on your side.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[quietheart]

praying for you all, I know how hard it can get at times. Please lord watch over Sam, James, and Henriette. Hold them in your loving embrace and show them that they are good and they are loved by you, Amen.
I really hope this helps Sam.
Es

 

[Sam48]

Thank you Es.

 

[Jenniferloveschrist]

Hmm... I really don't fully understand what you were trying to convey in this entry. I really thought someone with something like this did not know about each one of their parts of themselves, but you know the names? I guess I'm confused.

Anyway, I pray that you will be able to get through this because God is good and he can put you back together as a whole person. one that is loved and can love! God is the ultimate protecter and restorer and he can help you and heal you!

love,
Jen