Help please

[superleebee]

I don't know if this is the right place to put this, but I need some help and guidence.

About two and a half months ago my husband had an internet affair. He left me for this other person after just two days of speaking with her. although it never moved into real life, the effects on myself and my two children were devestating.

I prayed for help and guidence, and was sent it. My husband came back to me and we are currently working together to try to make the relationship work.

However, this person (with whom the whole thing only lasted a week) will not let go and is currently stalking us both through cyberspace. I've had to change my e-mail address and phone number.

While my husband and I are working on the marriage, he is still making online friendships. Unfortunatly he is very niave about people, espeically women and is being taken in by someone at the moment. It is taking him away from me again, although not sexual, this person is very needy. She is constantly asking him for support and protection. And does not seem to mind overly that she is taking him away from his family at the same time. And he cannot see it either.

I have no problem with my husband having friendships with women. I'm not that paranoid or stupid. But our marriage and relationship and family should come first! I am still very raw about the entire incident, and with the stalking, in need of protection and comfort. But he is so busy with this other person that he is not there for me. EG last night I told him that I was feeling lonley and in need of some comfort and attention. His answer? His friend needed him and had asked him to stay online a bit longer.

I don't know how to explain these things to him without sounding like a jealous shrew. Or becoming overly emotional and sobbing. I have forgiven him his infedelity, and do not want to keep hammering him with it. But by the same token, the consequenses of that are still being felt at the moment. I just don't know how to explain or what to do.

I feel very helpless and very trapped. I am praying for guidence and help constantly. But it is taking time in comming to me and I feel that I am falling appart in the meantime.

 

[hopper]

Sorry to be so delayed in replying Lee, I couldn't get into the site because of technical problems.

Speaking for us guys, it sounds like he left you in spirit long before the internet affair, but I'm happy to see you commited to working out the relationship difficulties.

To start, I don't know much about computers, but it's probably best that you don't use your real names, unless absolutely necessary - a less identifiable handle would probably work just as well.

The internet can be rather addictive, and too time consuming. It sounds like he's still tuned out to your needs, or maybe a bit escapish from the troubles of his 'real' life. He might feel he's able to 'fix' more problems via the compuer keyboard, where things can be kind of figured out before posting (he has more time to think and respond that way).

Maybe you could start you're own internet relationship with him? But I'd definitely try to get both of you to commit to some relationship counseling or couples enrichment seminars.

I've never been married myself, so I'm not a great source of practical advice from personal experience, but he must see there's still some troubles between you. Hopefully he's willing to listen and negotiate with how best to make the marriage better. It seems to me that would be a blessing for you both, and the children as well.

Surely, he must see he still has some walls up that need to come down?

There's some great ladies around here to offer other good advice. I don't know many of them yet, but have had good advice from caitlincares and SanyLou; at least in where to turn here at CF.

God bless your family,
-the hopper

 

[hopper]

BTW Lee,

I don't have to tell u that men are odd creatures. I have the dearest friend in all the world to me (the daughter I never had), who went through something similar with her hubby. They're both long time Christians. She's an idealistic dreamer with one foot in the perfection of Heaven. He's a streetwise cop, who daily sees the worst of mankind.

He had a recent tryst with internet porn, and though he knew it was wrong, he didn't consider it infidelity. He was very forthright about his sin, and agreed to give it up.

She (and every woman I ever met (and God himself, by the way)), saw it as adultery and was ready to divorce him.

Men & women are wired differently this way. Men sometimes have a hard time seeing that infidelity begins in the heart. As long as we don't actually 'do' anything with someone, we fool ourselves in to thinking we're not adulterers. Just reference President Clinton and his definition of the 'act'.

It's a stupid guy thing.

-the hopper

 

[homewardbound]

Lee, I only have a limited amount of time to respond at the moment, but hang in there and know that God is with you every step of the way...just keep reaching out to Him in prayer. When you emerge from this you will have a deeper relationship with Jesus, and hopefully, a strong, solid marriage. My prayers are with you.

 

[NiemandheißtBoshaftigkeit]

...Your remind me of my mother... since I have much experience in a certain area concerning this, all I will tell you is unless your children are old and mature enough to understand exactly what is happening, do not divorce. My parents divorce when I was only four and my brother two, and the effects of that are still felt today by all parties involved. Also, I have heard that men seek other women not because of some sexual apetite but because of how the other women make them feel (I'm a guy just so you aren't confused by me talking about men in the third person) so I think you should consider and review the role you have been playing and whether it would make him feel somewhat emotionally neglected, as you feel. That is all I have to say.

 

[deornie]

you need a hug *HUGZ*

 

[HisWinterRose]

Big Bear Hugs & Prayers For You !!

 

[Ginga]

I'm really sorry to hear about this situation. All i can suggest is that you continue to try to talk to him, and make him realise that your family has needs as well, and that his first priority should be to God, and then to his family. I'll be praying that everything works out for you. Best of luck and God bless.

 

[fishstix]

Have you considered getting rid of the internet in your house completely? Sounds drastic but it might help.

 

[rogsr]

You need to make your husband aware of the suffering that he is causing you, and your children. Also, make him aware of the potential suffering that will be expierienced by your children in the event of a divorce. Boys without dad's grow up without proper dicipline and often times reject authority, opening the door to a myriad of problems. Girls without dads often times become promiscuous because they did not expierience healthy male affection as little girls. Be patient for the sake of your children, but you have every right to be deeply unhappy with your husband. Often times we act foolishly until light is shed on the amount of suffering that is caused by our foolish actions. We are all guilty of falling into temptation, but we are all capable of defeating it as well. I will remember you this morning in church.

Peace-

 

[eviltangerine]

This might be a bizarre idea, but I know it deviated my friend away from the internet "darkness" (this was a few years ago, so imagine what young, adolescent boys do on the computer) and well, his parents simply had moved his computer from his room to a more public area (the bonus room). That way anything that he did his parents could see, so for the most part the only things he did on the computer were homework, talking decently, etc

So possibly (I don't know your house layout) relocate the computer to a more public place? So that whatever sites he's going to or people he's talking to are viewable to everyone?? Might make him reconsider what he does online....

But besides that, I'll pray for you in this situation. It tears me apart to hear of the possibility of divorce...it's viewed today as the b-line to an easier life, but it's not. It ruins families, so keep trying and keep praying!

 

[homewardbound]

If you are truly being stalked by someone via the internet, you might try contacting your service provider for advice. As for the new relationships your husband is cultivating, is he naive or needy? If he is cultivating these relationships, it would seem to be the latter. As hopper pointed out in previous post, we men are wired very differently. When we're angry, lonely, bored, or discouraged, the attentions of other women are incredibly tempting. That doesn't excuse us from inappropriate behavior, though. And if one isn't spritually strong, it's a battle easily lost.

If your husband professes to be a believer, but has stumbled, I would encourage you to ask him to seek out support from other men/men's groups in your church community. If he's not a believer, you have a greater challenge, but you also have the opportunity to lead him to Christ. In either case, my heart goes out to you because this must be terribly difficult. Stay strong in Christ and know that others are praying for you and your husband.

 

[Godsgirl481]

I want to repond on the other side of this situation. I would recommend that you let him read this...or somehow explain it to him. I was one of those girls you are talking about...still am at times. My first time on the internet was when I was 18...and being someone that had just come out of a really really bad abusive home...sexual and physical...I was so confused and angry. What I really wanted was a father figure in a sense...and I was looking online for pastors, youth pastors, and married christian men. Always married...only because sex was not really what I was looking for. However...I figured out fast that men are weak when it comes to sex...and I could make a "man of God" fall into sin. This became a power trip for me and became my goal. It was like...if I could get him to sin sexually....then I was powerful when it came to sex....for so long...I was overpowered with sex....violently at times. I knew what I was doing was wrong and was often times confronted by the wife. I even broke up a few marriages. Eventually, I came across Danny...a youth pastor in Kansas...who just refused to sin with me...but still loved me and refused to leave me. When sex didn't work...I tried to push him away by saying I hated God...and worshiped Satan...that just made him push towards me harder. Eventually I stopped trying...and just let him love on me with God's love. I have never wanted anything sexual from him...and me and his wife and his family are all friends. He gives me what I was looking for...a father's love...a mentor...a friend. I am also talking to a youth pastor in atlanta Ga right now...he gives me some bible study stuff to work on. He talks to me with his wife sitting next to him...and she calls me at times...so being able to view everything we say to each other puts her at ease with it all. The one thing to remember about this type of girls...they are all hurting...all of them. I used to sell my body when I was in high school. Every single girl that does these things are looking for something through sex. Your husband is weak when it comes to this area...so you need to put your foot down and tell him that if you guys are gonna stay together...you will have his internet password, all mailbox passwords so he can't hide emails from you...and you will be allowed to sit and view IMs from girls. You can go into Internet Explorer's properties and view the temp files...if he has started an internet mailbox (yahoo, hotmail) a link to the website will be in there....unless he knows how to clean them out. If it gets really bad...you can buy a motoring system...like those to track teenager's use on the computer...it is about $25

 

[Anna N. Amos]

I do not have his exact wording but...

Dr. Phil covered this subject and if they are "flirting" and having sexual conversation etc. on line he said it is a form of cheating. Not a playful "Hi handsome" but you know where they start to entrust this person with their "heart" then he says it is cheating. And EVEN if the guy does not see it as cheating he is responsible in the marriage to make sure YOU feel secure and if this activity creates anxiety then he needs to stop it.

 

[homewardbound]

...so you need to put your foot down and tell him that if you guys are gonna stay together...you will have his internet password, all mailbox passwords so he can't hide emails from you...and you will be allowed to sit and view IMs from girls.

I think this is a good idea (although when you put your foot down, be sure not to crush! ). If your husband is serious about making your marriage work, he should have no problem with you looking at his mail logs and any online messaging he does with women.

I wish I could open up your husband's head and pour in the hard lessons I learned from my own infidelities, which ultimately destroyed my first marriage. I tried many ways to disguise my activities and pass them off as being relatively harmless. The bottom line is that a husband's loyalties should be directed solely toward his wife and family, and if he is trying to help another woman through a difficult time, it should be done with the full knowledge and support of his wife. And if you're not comfortable with that, he needs to respect your feelings, particularly given recent events.

 

[bliz]

Have the two of you tried some counseling? Your husband is getting something out of these relationships, something he really needs/wants or he wouldn't be doing it annd it would be easier for him to see the terrible harm it is causing to his family. Plus, your telling him that he needs to get off the computer and end these relationships that consume him is one thing. A counselor/pastor/therapist telling him the same thing may be quite a different matter.

I think it is quite possible for married men and women to have friendships - nut that is not what is going on here. Your husband is having obsessions with needy women - perhaps becasue he needs to be needed. But these relationships are not friendships.

 

[Godsgirl481]

Have the two of you tried some counseling? Your husband is getting something out of these relationships, something he really needs/wants or he wouldn't be doing it annd it would be easier for him to see the terrible harm it is causing to his family. Plus, your telling him that he needs to get off the computer and end these relationships that consume him is one thing. A counselor/pastor/therapist telling him the same thing may be quite a different matter.

I think it is quite possible for married men and women to have friendships - nut that is not what is going on here. Your husband is having obsessions with needy women - perhaps becasue he needs to be needed. But these relationships are not friendships.

Most of the time...married Christian men do not start these...most of them want to help the young girls but are weak in the sexual lust area....these girls know that and hit on them until they crack...but the girls are hurting too

 

[EmSchmem]

Have you considered getting rid of the internet in your house completely? Sounds drastic but it might help.

I have to totally agree. I would also suggest some counseling seperately as well as together. There seem to be a LOT of issues.

 

[TheMainException]

Since I am not old enough to deal with this myself...I shall only pray. I have a wonderful friend who, at the moment hurt me, but is very strict when it comes to his family. He values times like dinner very highly and loves spending time with his family. I don't know exactly how, other than by a gift from God, that he ever got this way...he says he used to be into the worst of things...but he has completely changed and loves his family so very much. It is something that he really needs to work on...I pray this works out well. I shall also pray for his online friend that she might be able to get the help she needs else where also. Peace and love to you!

 

[forgivenmuch]

your husband is being very selfish. if he dont change .. GET THE INTERNET CUT OFF.. hes really into the internet to much .. its time to pull the old plug out from under him! ... he needs serious help.. hes addicted to the internet..
he can never be serious about you..when his mind is serious about a fanstasy world.