Help please

Monica child of God 1 · Nov 6, 2011

I try not to share personal stuff online, but I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am in a terrible spiritual condition. I haven't taken communion in months. I don't really want to go to my priest for confession. I don't expect a perfect priest by any means but my priest and I have had a rocky relationship for years now. He has apologized to me for things he has done and said. I have forgiven him. I wanted to move on.

But then, I went to him for advice and the counsel he gave was awful. I went to him for marriage advice and he insisted that my husband was having a sexual relationship outside of our marriage. My priest has only met my husband twice. The only thing he knows about our relationship is what I share with him. My husband and I have had problems, but he is NOT cheating on me. There is no evidence of that. Also, instead of helping me to figure out how to reconcile with my husband and persevere in my marriage, my priest said that I should consider divorce. I'm like, "WHAT?!?!" I don't have grounds for divorce and, more importantly, I don't want a divorce. Neither my husband or I want a divorce. So I told my priest that and he said that infidelity is grounds for divorce. But there isn't any infidelity going on!!! His quickness to bring up divorce makes me feel like he doesn't really value my marriage or think of it as being "real" because my husband isn't Orthodox, an attitude I had never encountered before from priests.

Finally I just dropped the marriage issues, did confessions with him so I could participate in Lent and Holy Week, but I haven't been back for confession since Pascha. I don't trust him or his advice.

I don't want to move parishes right now, because this one is good for other important reasons. But what to do about my own spiritual health? Find a spiritual father or mother elsewhere? Take communion elsewhere? I really don't know.

This is an AYP question, but I don't have anyone to go to right now.

Monica

P.S. My husband and I are doing really well. Glory to God!

Monica child of God 1 · Nov 6, 2011

Actually, I am remembering now that I did go to him for confession in the summer time. I confessed something that he later eluded to during trapeza while other people were around That was the final straw. It wasn't anything salacious. I had confessed feeling malaise about my work that was affecting my productivity. Then he brought it up again during the meal. That was private! If I had brought it up and he commented on it, that would be okay. But he shouldn't refer to things I mention in confession.

M.

Macarius · Nov 6, 2011

Uh, wow. I mean, I don't know him... but wow. I wouldn't want to go back to confess to him either.

Is there another parish close enough that you could reasonably arrange confession there while still attending your current parish? It isn't uncommon for someone to confess at one parish / to one priest while communing regularly at another. Family members of the parish priest do not typically confess to him, but to another priest nearby. So this is a regular thing if the situation warrants it. Given that this priest has apologized to you before (e.g. recognized that his relationship with you is rocky) I think it would be totally reasonable to suggest confessing to another. He would just need to know to WHOM you are confessing so that he can feel comfortable giving you regular communion.

A local monastery could also work, but those can be harder to find / get to on a regular basis.

Wow - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. What a nightmare.

Your brother in Christ,
Macarius

Monica child of God 1 · Nov 6, 2011

Macarius said:
Uh, wow. I mean, I don't know him... but wow. I wouldn't want to go back to confess to him either.

Is there another parish close enough that you could reasonably arrange confession there while still attending your current parish? It isn't uncommon for someone to confess at one parish / to one priest while communing regularly at another. Family members of the parish priest do not typically confess to him, but to another priest nearby. So this is a regular thing if the situation warrants it. Given that this priest has apologized to you before (e.g. recognized that his relationship with you is rocky) I think it would be totally reasonable to suggest confessing to another. He would just need to know to WHOM you are confessing so that he can feel comfortable giving you regular communion.

A local monastery could also work, but those can be harder to find / get to on a regular basis.

Wow - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. What a nightmare.

Your brother in Christ,
Macarius

Thanks Macarius. I think I have been trying to deny to myself how much of a nightmare this has been. But I can't deny that I feel dread about going to services where there once was joy

M.

inconsequential · Nov 6, 2011

I agree with Macarius. Beyond that I won't say more than that I will pray for you.

OuterWater · Nov 6, 2011

If you can, find another Father confessor. Confession is too important a medicine for us to neglect and if you feel you cannot lay your soul bare in confession before this priest, you need to find another. I am guilty as well of putting off confession at times and everytime I go, I immediately think of how stupid I was to wait. I had a similar problem with a former spiritual father of mine and for the good of my soul, I had to look elsewhere. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. Remember the Lord and let Him be your shelter and refuge.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

DrCIH · Nov 6, 2011

Hello sister,
generally orthodox priests by all means try to keep the family together. No matter what has happened. They want the family to be one. And generally that's right. NO NORMAL PRIEST will want you to divorce your husbant even if he is cheating on you, in which i seriously doubt. My oppinion is that he desires to seperate you. And another thing, he should never say what you have confessed. EVER! Never go to this man again. He doesn't deserve to be a priest. In order to keep the good language in this forum, I'm not going to say a word about him anymore.

My advice is,
Ask people around you about a good willed priest, that is also a good man. Don't loose faith in the orthodox church. Look at me, in my country there are massive situations like this, but I still believe there are good priests. But it's difficult to find them. So ask a friend about where to find a good person that is a priest and go to him. Believe in the church, cos it's idea is like our community, the church is some people with good intensions wanting to help each other. That man was not from the church. Believe in God! He is going to show you the way.

May the Holy God give you wisdom to make the right deisison and meet you with the right spiritual guider.
Amen.

gzt · Nov 6, 2011

I know people who have gone through similar things with different priests. As in, almost exactly the same. That sounds like a bad priest, a very bad priest. You must get another one. Sometimes those priests will leave the priesthood or leave Orthodoxy, but not before causing a lot of ruin.

Orthosdoxa · Nov 6, 2011

If you don't want to move parishes, what about doing something like making a bi-monthly visit to a monastery? The Orthodox Monasteries Worldwide Directory - A comprehensive collection of orthodox monasteries around the world presenting photographs, addresses, description and contact information ; The monastery collection includes North and South America, Eur

ikonographics · Nov 6, 2011

I pray that God will lead you to a new spiritual father!

rusmeister · Nov 6, 2011

Yow!
Lord have mercy!

NyssaTheHobbit · Nov 6, 2011

The trouble is, priests are still human and not angels or God's mouthpiece. They can have their own issues while counseling you. Like for example, if my former friend had not gone so far as to commit a criminal act which has ended his chances of being ordained, his plans were to go to seminary and become a priest. That would mean that one day, he'd be counseling other people on marital and family issues, while his own family was full of abuse and control. You just don't always know if your confessor has his own issues which will affect his advice to you. But I've heard of people confessing to another priest or a monk, while taking communion from their own parish priest, but with his knowledge.

RobNJ · Nov 6, 2011

Lord have mercy!

Thekla · Nov 6, 2011

I, also, think it might be prudent to find another father confessor.

This situation sounds ... difficult. God with you +

Monica child of God 1 · Nov 6, 2011

Thanks everyone. I needed the encouragement to do something about the situation. I'm not really looking forward to speaking with my current priest about seeing someone else for confession. But I have to do something.

M.

Dylan Michael · Nov 6, 2011

OuterWater said:
If you can, find another Father confessor. Confession is too important a medicine for us to neglect and if you feel you cannot lay your soul bare in confession before this priest, you need to find another. I am guilty as well of putting off confession at times and everytime I go, I immediately think of how stupid I was to wait. I had a similar problem with a former spiritual father of mine and for the good of my soul, I had to look elsewhere. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. Remember the Lord and let Him be your shelter and refuge.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Yes, I agree with this.
One of the first things my Spiritual director told us when he was doing introductions (He's in charge of spiritual direction for the seminary) was that if you have any sense that your relation with your spiritual director is not working out, you should make arrangements for a new SD.

Dorothea · Nov 6, 2011

Monica said:
I try not to share personal stuff online, but I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am in a terrible spiritual condition. I haven't taken communion in months. I don't really want to go to my priest for confession. I don't expect a perfect priest by any means but my priest and I have had a rocky relationship for years now. He has apologized to me for things he has done and said. I have forgiven him. I wanted to move on.

But then, I went to him for advice and the counsel he gave was awful. I went to him for marriage advice and he insisted that my husband was having a sexual relationship outside of our marriage. My priest has only met my husband twice. The only thing he knows about our relationship is what I share with him. My husband and I have had problems, but he is NOT cheating on me. There is no evidence of that. Also, instead of helping me to figure out how to reconcile with my husband and persevere in my marriage, my priest said that I should consider divorce. I'm like, "WHAT?!?!" I don't have grounds for divorce and, more importantly, I don't want a divorce. Neither my husband or I want a divorce. So I told my priest that and he said that infidelity is grounds for divorce. But there isn't any infidelity going on!!! His quickness to bring up divorce makes me feel like he doesn't really value my marriage or think of it as being "real" because my husband isn't Orthodox, an attitude I had never encountered before from priests.

Finally I just dropped the marriage issues, did confessions with him so I could participate in Lent and Holy Week, but I haven't been back for confession since Pascha. I don't trust him or his advice.

I don't want to move parishes right now, because this one is good for other important reasons. But what to do about my own spiritual health? Find a spiritual father or mother elsewhere? Take communion elsewhere? I really don't know.

This is an AYP question, but I don't have anyone to go to right now.

Monica

P.S. My husband and I are doing really well. Glory to God!

I'm so sorry you've been going through this, Monica. I strongly suggest you find another spiritual father to confess to that you can trust. This will help you out, I think, immensely.

Protoevangel · Nov 6, 2011

Monica,

Any advice I might give has already been given. I will keep you in my prayers, though.

ArmyMatt · Nov 6, 2011

yeah, I agree with what has already been stated, see if there is another priest close by. aside from that, prayers for you

Lord have mercy!

Vermax · Nov 6, 2011

Perhaps you ought to let the Bishop know that this priest violated the privacy of the confessional. Sounds like he might need an update on his priestly duties.

We hope the site problems here are now solved, however, if you still have any issues, please start a ticket in Contact Us

Help please

strives to live eschatologically

strives to live eschatologically

Progressive Orthodox Christian

strives to live eschatologically

goat who dreamed he was a sheep

Formerly InnerPhyre

Newbie

The age of the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.07 billion years

Happy wife and mommy

In patience I waited patiently on the Lord

A Russified American Orthodox Chestertonian

Orthodox Christian (chrismation date 1/10/09)

So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!

Thekla

Guest

strives to live eschatologically

Senior Veteran

One of God's handmaidens

Smash the Patriarchy!

Regular Member

Newbie

Similar threads

Privacy & Transparency

Privacy & Transparency