Help needed w/ loans and fiance`

[Mapik]

Here is the short story so I don't bore the readers.

I went to college for only 2 years, and my fiance` went for 3 but graduated early (yes in 3 years). I'm only half done but not in school anymore, and I have WAY more loans than here. All of my loans/debt are from school, and they are high b/c it was a private college.

Anyways, she always insists that I need to default my loans so my father (co-signer) should pay them off for us. I have talk to my parents about help, and they can contribute ~150-250 a month which I think is great. She on the other hand doesn't think it is enough. We are paying my loans off in hopefully 4 years or less and I am paying $1,000 myself monthly....double payment.
She wants to default them so bad, or find another way 'out'/around them b/c she feels my parents signed me into my loans. During high school, I was in no way prepared for college - didn't get 'college level' grades, slacked on homework and didn't do it often, bad time management, etc etc, basically didn't care about school and my parents should have been able to see it and not co-signed them.
I do agree, but I do not think because of that they should pay for their mistake...I was the one that also signed them and told them over and over that I wanted to go.

Now, everytime anything comes up, it always goes back to my loans somehow and/or about my family. Then the conversation changes from a normal one to anger and disagreement. We only spend money on needed items, so if something nice or cool is seen, my loans always come up - about how we can't buy it b/c of my loans.
Then last night we were doing a couples book, and it was on selfishness. She that I was being selffish b/c I wasn't trying to do more to get out of debt. I went to my parents and received help, but it wasn't enough....I know no where else to look, but she says default (w/o telling them). I do not want to do that to my parents and feel it is very wrong.
Doesn't matter the topic, the loans come up it is a major topic....and I hate it. It is something we disagree on and it never ends with both of us happy. We're getting married at the end of May, and I feel something needs to be resolved about this before we can do so, but I don't know how it can be resolved.

Wow, sorry so long, but I kept it as short as possible. There is more, but I'll add more as people ask or is needed.
Please help me with this, it is vital to our marriage that hasn't even started!!!

 

[invisiblebabe]

I can relate to your situation somewhat.

I am getting my B.A. this August. My husband and I have been paying off my loans and over half done with it. I went to Northwestern for a year and a half before I transferred elsewhere (and then later transferred again), so despite scholarships, we did have quite a heavy chunk of money to pay back to our friends at lovely Sallie Mae.

My parents did not push me to go to Northwestern, but neither did they have any information that would have helped me choose otherwise. No disrespect to them, but they have always been on the permissive side, and they don't think or communicate the same way I do so it is hard for me to take their opinions seriously.

I do think that given your lack of interest or preparation for university, your parents should have seen what was going on and not signed the loan themselves. (I was valedictorian, National Merit Finalist, etc so I did know what I was doing to some extent, so I do think it is fair that I take responsibility for paying my loans off.)

Don't know if this helps much, but I'm praying for you.


kayli

 

[Maeyken]

Wow... I don't even know what to say. Your fiancee basically demanding that you default on your loans and make your parents pay them. That to me just seems ridiculous. Your parents are even contributing to help pay them off! I think your fiancee's request is unreasonable. I really think you need to reach a resolution before you guys get married. If you have to postpone the wedding, do it. It's just not worth it to start off in a huge conflict like this.

I'd highly suggest talking with each other about your feelings towards money. Money is a very emotionally charged topic, and your beliefs and values about money, what it is, what it stands for, how you feel it should be used, etc. might be very revealing.

Try talking about what you were taught about money while growing up. What did your parents think about money? What did they teach you? How have you managed your money? What other money influences did you have? How do you feel about money now? How do you feel about debt (in general)? (I think you'll have very diffferent responses here) Do you feel a responsibility to pay it off? What does money mean to you?

Try to keep the conversation off "your debt". Talk in general terms. This might help you get to the bottom of the money fight. Perhaps you guys need to wait to get married until you've got your debt paid off, cuz your fiancee seems to want nothing to do with you unless you are debt-free. (sorry, just my observation from your post)

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Like Maeyken I'm not sure where to start. Money is one of the biggest problems in marriages so you two need to make sure you're going to be compatible in this area. Second, she is bullying you and refusing to let this go. Have the two of you gone to marriage prep classes? Will she be able to submit to you, or is she going to harass you until you come around to her way of thinking? I have been known to use this method before, but your SO is so wrong!

This is your debt! The money was for your education and your parents were nice enough to co-sign. Not only would it be wrong for you to dump it in their laps (without telling like your SO wants to do), but it would be foolish if you think you may ever need a favor again. Your SO does not sound like a good, Christian woman with good morals from what you have written. She wants to drive a wedge between you and your parents, she is immature (your parents will figure it out eventually), and she is irresponsible with money or at least wants you to be.

This may be a little sign from God or at least indication that you two have some things to work on. I've been married and divorced before so I can tell you that ignored problems come back to haunt you. Don't ignore them.