help needed re emotionally manipulative 9 yr old please

[mumof2boys]

I am new to this forum but have real behavioural issues at the moment with my youngest son who is 9.
A little background to him is that he is lovely most of the time at home and 100% PERFECT (yes, really), at school in every way . He does put himself under incredible pressure at school: a natural tendency we have tried very hard to train him out of.
He is water baptised last year having made a confession of faith at a very young age. He can be incredibly insightful in terms of bible teaching; being a frequent inspiration in his insights at family times from the bible.

However, he transitions badly: moving home, class etc. When he is under pressure after an argument with us/his brother etc he can be incredibly cold hearted and cruel in his words and very manipulative with his emotions. It’s like he has passed over to a ‘dark side’ and we see another version of our son. Some of the things he says are quite unnervingly emotionless but we cannot seem to reason with him as we cannot seem to reach the soft hearted side to him. He often lies.
We know we need to obviously step up in prayer over him whilst he is asleep. Part of me has wondered why he seems to have a very difficult time in working out issues: he sticks to his point so firmly and cannot seem to see where he has gone wrong and gets stuck in a rut. It is then that he seems to get frustrated and then start with the cold words. He has said some incredibly hurtful things like ‘you are an idiot and always have been to me’ or ‘I wish you weren’t my parents’ or ‘you don’t care about me’
We have had countless discussions with him over this behaviour and have honestly said to him that we may need to seek outside help for him. He has had some food issues and cannot stand anything with sauce, will eat baked beans but only if they are in a bowl, not touching his food. I mention this because I have wondered about autistic type tendencies but in other ways, he can be really tuned into others’ emotions which is very non autistic.


Any suggestions and advice would be most welcome as I don't know what to do
thanks

 

[SarKris]

I really am sorry to say this, but you need to get him checked out for autism, ADHD, and other behavior disorders. It sound like to me that something is going on in him that he can't control. Behavioral therapy might help, too.

Another thing, does he have a set schedule where he does the same thing everyday at the same time? We found out that a set schedule helped our ADHD daughter gain control over her life and she doesn't have nearly as many problems transiting between events. And the right medication helped her to get control over her anger issues.

I would urge you to talk to your doctor about these issues. They can help you find the right path for your family.

 

[hedrick]

I doubt we can help you via the Internet. But why not ask for help from a psychologist? There's nothing wrong with doing that. A couple of your descriptions sound like a specific condition, but I don't want to practice medicine without a license, so I'm not going to speculate.

 

[ClassyCassiopeia]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I'm new too

My little sister (8 y/o) has symptons similar to your son's and was diagnosed with a form of ADD. They've been working with her on it and we've already seen some improvements in just a few weeks! But don't take my word for it, you should see a child psychologist, or you could even consult one ahead of time and see if they have any suggestions!

Your family will be in my prayers!

God bless,
Bethany

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I'd be careful about finding a label for your son. In my line of work, I have seen far too many kids diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, or with ADD or ADHD, when they clearly don't have it, and it defines their life. That's not to say that he doesn't have a medical issue, but I'd just advise you to be very, very careful about assuming he has one (especially just off advice on an internet forum)

Nine year olds lie, say things that are deliberately hurtful when they feel they are being wronged, and can get stubborn. That does not necessarily mean that there is something irreversibly wrong with him, it just means that he is a human child.

Of course, it's our responsibility as parents to teach our children not to do those things as they grow up. I would suggest seeing a family counsellor, who will be able to provide you with ways to do this (and will also be able to advise you on whether he may have a medical issue, if that's your concern).

 

[akmom]

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with your child at all. It sounds like he gets frustrated, like all kids do. It sounds like you aren't able to understand him and connect with him. That's why he says those things.

Look at the "cold" statements that you posted. "You are an idiot." "You don't care about me." "I wish you weren't my parents." What do all those statements mean to you? To me, it sounds like he feels that you don't understand him. Why doesn't he feel understood? Well he figures it's either because you're in "idiot" or you don't care. And he hates that you don't understand him. Thus not wanting you as parents (which is obviously an exaggeration, by the way).

Of course I think he's wrong and the reason he doesn't feel like you understand him is probably because he doesn't articulate his feelings well, or doesn't realize there are other perspectives. The solution would be to adjust your approach. Ask him for clarification instead of getting upset. Validate his feelings instead of "correcting" them. Show an interest in understanding why he is upset. Ask him to brainstorm solutions, then evaluate the pro's and cons of each one, together. Remember that young kids are pretty unrefined in their emotions and how they express them. They haven't learned to put things in perspective or regulate their moods. They are often unprepared for and overwhelmed by situations, and therefore make poor decisions on the spot (like lying). Given time and opportunity to reflect without threats or punishment, they would probably handle each situation differently. (And they'll learn this by adulthood.) So you kind of have to keep that in mind, take their words with a grain of salt, and try not to exasperate them. (For example, there is a big difference between a 3-year-old who says "I hate you" because you made him take a nap, versus a spouse saying that. You can't consider them equal. And you shouldn't over-react by treating them equally.)

It seems like a lot of parents are eager to blame their shortcomings on some psychological disorder in their kids, or on a medical condition. But the desire to be understood and validated is a normal human need, and there is no way around it. Taking a step back and looking at each situation from your child's point of view, talking to them non-judgmentally, praying for guidance and reevaluating your approach are all positive steps to improve parenting. Sending an otherwise normal child off to a psychologist for name-calling - or worse yet, unnecessarily medicating a child - is not in my opinion a reasonable measure.

What you describe sounds nothing like autism.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

+1 to the last two posts. He sounds like a 9 year old who has hit 13 four years early. He also sounds like he is holding things in until he gets to the one place where he feel comfortable enough to stop caring how he his perceived, so to speak, which is home. Why do you think family fights worse than anyone else does?

Don't go trying to find a label for him though. My mom did the same to me and it MAJORLY affected my life and my self esteem in a very negative way for a very long time. If the label fits then it will find him itself.