Help - my social problems are destroying my family

[tammylouise]

Hi. I just joined this forum because I'm looking for help with something. I'm in a bad situation I'm hoping someone can help me.

One of my biggest problems is with saying the right things in social situations, things like saying please and thank you and asking people how they are. I know when I should do things, and I want to do them, but I can’t. It’s hard to explain, but there is a horrible feeling inside me when I try to say things like that. I feel so awkward and self-conscious that I usually can’t manage to say what I should. I’ve had this problem my whole life. People think I’m ungrateful and uncaring. I wish that I could show people what was really in my heart, but I just can’t express it.

Last weekend I went away with my mum, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law’s parents. It was my birthday on Sunday and her parents gave me a card with some money in it. I was very embarrassed and flustered and everyone was staring at me. I said thank you, but I said it too quietly and no one heard me. They think I didn’t say thank you for my present and her mum in particular was very upset with me. I’ve upset them before by not saying the right things, and this was the last straw. My sister-in-law is refusing to see me. My brother is angry. My mum is disappointed. It’s possible that I’ve destroyed the relationship between the two sides of the family, something which meant a great deal to my mum and brother. I feel absolutely terrible.

I wanted to ask if you would pray for this situation, that they would forgive me and the family could be mended.

I also wanted to ask for prayer about my problem with saying thank you. If that side of the family does agree to see us again, I have to make sure that I never mess up like this again. If I ever put a toe out of line again, it’s definitely all over. So this can’t be a gradual improvement. I have to get over this problem right now or it will destroy my family.

 

[rhacquer]

God bless you. I know what it's like to have Asperger's tear one's family apart; for me, it's been a gradual process since I was diagnosed about 12 years ago. I have alienated my wife and daughter, and I don't know if they even want me back.

FWIW, I think you could try approaching the offended parties individually and apologize privately--but who am I to be giving advice about relationships?

 

[NIrelandGillian]

Do none of your family understand your problems with saying thank you, etc.? Would you be able to send your brother's in-laws a Thank you card in which you could thank them and also apologise that you weren't very loud in your thanks when they gave you the gift?

I do pray that the situation will be resolved, but also that you will be able to get help with your communication problems, as it seems a big burden on you sort it out by yourself.

Gillian

 

[bbyrd009]

Amen--send them a ty note.

 

[RCF]

tammylouise,

I would encourage you to write them , not only a note, but a letter. They are your family. You may have trouble speaking it, but you have thoroughly explained what your feelings are to us. Use your gift of writing to let them know about you. This is not always possible with every social setting, but this is a family setting. When they perceived your apparent lack of thankfulness, they felt insecure, confused, and probably a bit vulnerable. Opening up to them through your writing will let them see the real you. The loving one that can't believe this is all unfurling before you. Sure, you are opening yourself up for possible rejection. You are showing them your vulnerability. But they must come to understand what you are going through.

Let me assure you, if you are attempting to change who you are before you see them again and never slip up again, you are setting yourself up for defeat. That is a daunting task that would take immense help from above, and/or intense therapy to pull off. Not to mention, you shouldn't be expected to be perfect in their eyes.

I don't want to cause a rebellion in your family, only an enlightenment. You should continue to work on your social skills, but you need these family members on your side to do this. Please forgive them. Ask for their forgiveness, then ask for their help. With Gods help, maybe soon you'll be receiving their blessings as well.

In brotherly love,
RCF