Hi. I came here out of desperation, because i don't know where else to go.
The truth is, the only reason why i came to this forum is to confess and to seek help.
The truth is i'm gay. I'm not practising, and i know what the bible has to say about homosexuality. I know it is wrong, and i pray daily to confess and ask god for forgiveness. I know he's forgiven me, and i continue to cling on to him. But there's still, there are things that i feel that i don't know how to face. They hurt me so much.
I'm gay and i'm attracted to my best friend. When i say best friend, i do mean best friend. He's not my best friend simply because i'm attracted to him. We became great friends even before the feelings started. We're always going out with friends together and we really enjoy each other's company. Let's call him john for convenience.
When i'm with john, i feel so insecure. It wasn't always like this. Only lately. I feel so inferior. You see, francis i extremely attractive, and i'm not the only one to think this way. Girls in my school fall head over heels for him, even though he's on the short side. He's really handsome and has a really nice body. I know it sounds weird reading this. Just bear with me for a while. It's not just in appearances that he scores. John is also a natural leader and held high offices in school, and a very hard worker. He get's things done above expectations and ahead of time.
I read in a chritian book once that homosexuality is largely evolved from a great admiration and desire for a person's acceptance and approval. I guess that's what has happened to me.
I don't see myself as a very attractive person, and no matter how hard i exercise i'm always extremely skinny. I'm introverted at find it hard to step into the spotlight. I'm also a lazy idiot, even though i tend to get good grades anyway out of luck i suppose.
Back when we were only friends i used to admire him a lot. I always felt he was such a great person. I held him in very high regard.
This soon changed though, from admiration to lust. Slowly, it became less about his traits and more about him. I wanted to be with him all the time. When i wasn't with him, i felt lonely, even if i was surrounded by my other friends. Then i started to feel very jealous whenever he chose to go out with other people and not me. I would feel abandoned and forgotten, even though i knew that he regarded me as his best friend. He told me himself. And i felt really bad for feeling this way, because i know i don't own him. He has a life too.
Late last year i had to play middleman between him and a girl that he happened to like, and who liked him. That made me feel very abused and angry, but i helped anyway because i was his friend, and because i know the girl too. She's also a good friend of mine.
Now we're in different schools and i don't see him at all for weeks. Instead of forgetting him, i find myself thinking of him constantly. I just keep remembering him and his really handsome face and all the times i saw him in the changing room with his shirt off.
I always felt very dbad very i thought about these things. I feel like i've let him down. He regards me as his best friend. His love for me is real. I on the other hand am so filled with sin and lust and it's as if i'm just treating him like an object. It fills me with such guilt.
But i just keep thinking and thinking. When he comes online on MSN we chat a little but he has such a wide circle of friends that he always ends up chatting with everybody except me and i feel so lonely again. On friendster he has girls writing testimonials for him describing him as 'really handsome and cute' and 'hunky' and when i read them i am thrown into a fray of confusion and lust.
I do stupid things to try to catch his attention, which i do not want to mention. You can imagine, i suppose.
He doesn't know i'm. Obviously, he isn't gay himself. I don't know if i'll ever be able to overcome this problem. I still pray every night and still feel so terrible the next time. I tell myself over and over again "i am god's person" to remind myself of who owns my life, but i always get so distracted.
When i look into the mirror i see a sad, sad person who's ugly and skinny and who lacks confidence totally.
I want out. I really do. I want to just give up this sin and live life. But i just can't I've been struggling with this for more than a year, and i fear i will have to for the rest of my life. I don't think i'm strong enough, and god seems so far away. He doesn't seem to be doing anything. Is this a test? If it is, i don
t know if i'll pass.
You guys must help me. I don't know how. Maybe just tell me things or show me things. Whatever. I can't handle this anymore....
