Help Me Please

[Ms. Becky]

I need some wise counsel. A loved one has had an issue with anger most of his life. He has been in counseling off and on many different times. I understand the reasons for this anger. I am having a hard time understanding why he cannot let it go. Have any of you dealt with any situation similar to this? I am praying about it and will continue to do so.

 

[David Mark]

I need some wise counsel. A loved one has had an issue with anger most of his life. He has been in counseling off and on many different times. I understand the reasons for this anger. I am having a hard time understanding why he cannot let it go. Have any of you dealt with any situation similar to this? I am praying about it and will continue to do so.

Since I don't know the issue or what this person is angry about I can only use scripture and my own experiences with anger.

If you met me in person you would not think that I ever get angry.

Yet honestly, whenever I try to do good works by faith, I am often aware that anger is always close. I think that is what Paul was trying to say. When I try to do good, evil is always present with me.

It is only because of the commandment: Love thy neighbor as thyself that I am ever constrained. Anger is deceptive. It feels good but in the end if anger is not righteous it leads to a type of death or dying.

I hide this commandment (law) in my heart that I might not sin against him or anyone else. This commandment is not grievous. On the contrary, it is life giving and it is like a precious pearl. If I fail, I confess my failure to Him and I am broken hearted over it. I try not to hide anything from him even though He already knows it.

I know this is a spiritual (biblical) approach but it works for me. It changes me.

Anger says: You've done me wrong and you must pay. Grace (Love): Says: You've done me wrong and I forgive you. Love does this not for the praise of men, but to glorify the Father.

He who has been forgiven much, loveth much. He who has been forgiven little loveth little.

My solution for myself? Honesty before the throne of grace in my secret place. Confession that I am angry and can do nothing to help myself. I meditate on the commandment to Love thy neighbor and ask God to help me to love like He does. This takes faith and without faith it is impossible to please God.

Humbly,
Dave

 

[Ms. Becky]

Thank you David Mark,

The anger stems from a very physically and emotionally abusive adoptive mother. How is anger deceptive? How does anger feel good? I certainly know how it kills. I know how it hurts. I know how it destroys. I'm talking about the person with the ever present anger. I haven't even gotten to the person or persons on the receiving end yet.

 

[David Mark]

Thank you David Mark,

The anger stems from a very physically and emotionally abusive adoptive mother. How is anger deceptive? How does anger feel good? I certainly know how it kills. I know how it hurts. I know how it destroys. I'm talking about the person with the ever present anger. I haven't even gotten to the person or persons on the receiving end yet.

Does he openly or secretly refuse to forgive this person of all that she has done to him?

Is he a believer (A Christian)?

Just asking.

Dave.

 

[Auntie]

One of the best ways to handle anger towards a person is to pray for the person. Yes, this is extremely difficult!

For example, my brother did some horrible things to me. I prayed to God about it, telling God all the horrible things my brother did! And I let God know how totally angry I was at my brother. I told God that He would have to figure out a way for me to forgive my brother, coz I couldn't see how I could ever get past this anger at him.

I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to pray for my brother. Yikes! I sure didn't want to do that. But, very grudgingly, I began praying everyday for my brother. Eventually, after many many days of prayers for him, my heart began to soften toward my brother. I don't know when the forgiveness happened, but it happened.

Pray for the person, but be honest about it. Eventually, the anger will be replaced with compassion, mercy, and even love. This is the only way I know to truely forgive someone and get past the anger.

Also, your desire to please God has to be GREATER than your desire to hang on to your anger.

Auntie.

 

[mistertee49]

I really don't know what to say about this issue except that I will pray for the person you are talking about. Prayer is strong!!!! God will take care of this issue!!!

 

[Ms. Becky]

Thanks to all of you. Yes, this person is a Christian. The statement has been, " Yes, I forgive her but I will never forget. " I feel that forgiveness has not taken place. I agree that prayer is needed and I believe that this person knows that forgiveness and prayer has to take place. I don't know. It's gotten to the point that anything I say seems to cause more anger and I think probably because he knows what he has to do and doesn't know how.

God Bless,

 

[psycmajor]

Is his mother still alive?

I think forgiveness is much more difficult when the perpetrator has no regrets about their actions against their victims. I don't know if this is the case; could you provide more info?

 

[David Mark]

Thanks to all of you. Yes, this person is a Christian. The statement has been, " Yes, I forgive her but I will never forget. " I feel that forgiveness has not taken place.
God Bless,

I agree.

You really do love him and that is clearly evident. Could God be so sovereign that he knows all of this? Could He be so sovereign that he arranged it to show himself strong? I sort of hope so.

I would be blessed with riches beyond my wildest dreams to have a loved one like you in my life. Someone who "went to the mat" for my sake. Wow!

Harsh words only make him more angry. Try not to provoke him, even with more truth. You obviously love him. Come boldly before the Throne of Grace and the mercy seat in this time of need and you will have done what the highest paid, most educated unbelieving psychologist in the world is unwilling or unable to do.

He is more fortunate than he knows.

You obviously love him very much.

Dave

 

[mistertee49]

Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain throught resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment woud be foolish, senseless thing to do."

This came from the book, The Purpose Driven Life. Maybe you should by it and give it to your loved one. It just might help him or her out. Hope this helped out a little.

 

[Ms. Becky]

Thanks to all of you. No, the mother is dead. I will never forget the night she "died." She lived in another state. She had had a series of strokes and heart attacks over several years time. What amazed me was the fact that although he is an adult now, she still had such a hold on him. Anyway, she had a DNR on file but she had another heart attack and was taken to the hospital and put on life support. He was called and he expressed the fact over the phone to the doctor that his mother did not wish to be on life support. Well, it was too late because she already was. The doctor explained to him that his mother in essence was already dead but until he got there could not be taken off of life support. We made the 13 hour drive and when we arrived went to the hospital and met a brother of his and a niece there. All three of them had to sign papers for her to be taken off of life support. After it was over and we all were in the parking lot, my loved one raised his arms to heaven and hollered, " Thank You Jesus! " I have never known an anger like this is. I do feel that the anger is held onto because of resentment. I think that the anger is a means of survival that was necessary for him for so long that now he doesn't know how to let it go. I don't feel that he does regret this anger towards his mother. One example of the abuse: 3 years old, put in a metal trash can in the heat of the summer in the south and told that you could just stay there because you belonged with the trash. Yes, I do love this person very much. He is very important to me and to many other people. We have all tried to talk to him about this to no avail and now we feel as if he is on a roller coaster ride headed toward a brick wall and there is nothing we can do about it.

God Bless,

 

[ZiSunka]

Sometimes people rage because it feels better than emptiness or grief.

If he has deep-level sadness, he probably rages to relieve his emotional pain.

 

[Gwyn]

Ms Becky,

This may be something already tried but has he sought out groups of people who suffered the same types of abuses? Sometimes, this kind of arena helps them to see others at varying stages of forgiveness and coping. From what you've said about timing, this must be so deep within him. This kind of thing just seems to burrow deeper for as long as it goes on, in this case a lifetime.

I am so moved by this and will pray for him. It seems so unfair but we know God is just and He has a plan for this, too, even though for him it might be hard to see through the pain of it all.

Gwyn

 

[Ms. Becky]

Thanks lambslove and Gwyn. I am really moved by all of the responses that have been posted. I think that the issues have been looked at with great love and wisdom. You are all correct in your advice and I can see that some of you have dealt with this too. Please continue.

God Bless,

 

[David Mark]

Thanks lambslove and Gwyn. I am really moved by all of the responses that have been posted. I think that the issues have been looked at with great love and wisdom. You are all correct in your advice and I can see that some of you have dealt with this too. Please continue.

God Bless,

You mentioned yesterday the trash can incident. After reading that I couldn't bring myself to post anything additional that I thought would be helpful. That made such an impact on my mind that I just meditated on it at different times. It was at this point I finally understood his anger and began to sympathize with him too.

Although I would never condone this kind of behavior in a believer, I can certainly empathize.

God knows when I am angry. He knows when I am confused. I think he knows all those things about all of us.

I think it pleases him when I come to him and I am honest (confess) to him. Casting all my cares upon him for he careth for me. Lately I am much more honest before the Father about everything than I am with people. It used to be the other way around. I used to be more honest about things with people and I would naturally hide it from the Father. I figured him being "all-knowing" as he is was good enough. I guess I thought because He is God, my issues were just to trivial to bring before the Mercy Seat or the Throne of Grace. I did not really think that confession was of much use after my initial confession of faith nor that he wanted me to or needed me to admit those things to him.

Therefore I come before the Throne of Grace BOLDLY now to find help in the time of need. Like now as I type.

The more time I spend in the Light the more I learn about how unprofitable I really am. Now I seek the Light and desire to stay in the Light. I know the darkness and I know the Light. Darkness is death and Light is life to the soul. When the Light exposes me for what I really am I can either run and hide or seek to stay in the Light. I love the Light, I crave the Light.

If these did not work for me, I would be lost and without hope and an utter fool.

Dave.

 

[Ms. Becky]

Yes David Mark, I have arrived at the same place as you. I agree with what you say. The trash can incident is mild compared to a lot of the things that happened to this person. As I said at the beginning, I really can understand the anger. When the mother died, myself and the brother of my loved one stayed for the interment. He had to actually see that the body was buried. He tells me that these fits of anger are uncontrolable. I don't believe that's exactly right but I do believe that he feels they are. He says it's as if he is standing back watching the rage come forth from his body but can do nothing about it. Now folks, I was a witness to the " Damascus Road " experience of this person and I know how this person loves the Lord. Perhaps that is part of my problem - I can't reconcile the rage and the person I know to be lover of God.

God Bless,

 

[psycmajor]

Ms. Becky,

I'd be happy to talk to this man if you bring him onto CF. No promises, but it might help.

To me, it sounds like the mother's death was a relief. After she died, there was no more garbage that could be piled on. The pile of garbage would stay at a constant instead of getting bigger. So now it's like he has this pile of garbage on his heart. However, garbage rots and reduces itself in size as time goes by. It becomes putrid and smelly and disgusting, but it disappears in time. However, I think it might be helpful to directly address the things about his mother that apparently have created so much anger in his being. I think he needs to consider why he's feeling the way he is, and also validate what he's feeling. From what you've said, he definitely deserves better treatment than what he has from his mother--especially from his mother.

I think you're right about anger being a survival trait--when there's nothing left, you live off of anger. Anger does have an energy, but it's a destroying energy. He does not have to live the rest of his life this way.

Also, I think anger helps a person feel like they are in control; if they are in control of nothing else, at least the anger is there to guide them. Albeit destructively.

 

[GREG]

forgiveness........... cures most anger that is held inside. and letting it go.

 

[Ms. Becky]

Thanks psycmajor. I really appreciate your offer .I'll see if I can get him to come to CF but don't hold your breath. I agree with everything you said about anger. Unfortunately, we have been in the putrid and smelly and disgusting phase for quite some time. I really wish the garbage would rot away!
Greg, that's why I can't believe that real forgiveness has taken p[lace although he believes it has.

Folks, until you have seen first hand exactly what the result of abuse is and have seen this kind of anger ( rage ) then you cannot imagine what it's like. What it's like for the victim of abuse and for the victims of the victim.

I covet your prayers for my loved one and for myself.

Please keep your thoughts coming. They really do help.

God Bless,

 

[Auntie]

Ms. Becky,

I was watching the History Channel last night; it was about Wake Island and the torment our USA soldiers went thru during WWII on that island. Anyway, the Veterans were talking about how years and years later they still experience outbursts of uncontrollable anger, and that the anger comes without warning.

When I heard the Veterans talk about this anger, it reminded me of the anger you have described here. They call it "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) ".

I am thinking your loved one might have this disorder. Any survivor of a traumatic situation can have PTSD.

Hope this helps a little

Auntie.