Help me identify the core issue

[Ben Collyer]

Hi all, at church last sunday I was expecting to go to the cafe with some friends as usual (Tim, Helen, Lizzy) but at the end of the service Helen told me that she had been invited to go somewhere else with another group...I was suddenly filled with an intense kind of fear and anxiety, I felt as if my world has been pulled out from under my feet. I started to feel very possessive

I spent the day obsessing and worrying about H hanging out with that group, then I finally told her about my fears and she reassured me and told me not to worry and that she won't ditch me. but its been a week now and the insecurity/fear has stayed at a very intense and uncomfortable level. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about losing her even though its irrational, I have been dreaming about it.

I have thought deeply about whether I like her as more than friend and the answer is no, but for some reason, to have my closest friend and relationship decide to hang out with who I consider the 'popular ones' triggered something very deep within me, something that maybe goes back to childhood?

you can use one word answers if you want, just use your instinct and help me identify what this is really about.

thanks

 

[Inkfingers]

you can use one word answers if you want, just use your instinct and help me identify what this is really about.

Ego

 

[Ben Collyer]

Ego

not helpful, next

 

[Inkfingers]

not helpful, next

You said one word....

It's your ego that is the problem. Think about it.

 

[Ben Collyer]

You said one word....

It's your ego that is the problem. Think about it.

Can't really do much with that though really and it doesn't get to the CORE issue from childhood which is what Im looking for

 

[brinny]

Self-centeredness.

Yes, this has its roots in childhood.

 

[brinny]

Narcissism.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Narcissism.

not helpful at all

 

[Ben Collyer]

Self-centeredness.

Yes, this has its roots in childhood.

again, that is the FRUIT, not the ROOT.

 

[Inkfingers]

Can't really do much with that though really and it doesn't get to the CORE issue from childhood which is what Im looking for

The core issue is that you have not grown up, either because you lacked the capacity to learn the lesson that the world does not revolve around you (highly likely), or because your environment did not present you with the lessons (very unlikely).

Immature people are self-absorbed. They think the world revolves around themselves and their feelings.

 

[brinny]

again, that is the FRUIT, not the ROOT.

Nah, ALL children are self-centered. The root of self-centeredness originates in childhood.

 

[Inkfingers]

Nah, ALL children are self-centered. The root of self-centeredness originates in childhood.

Exactly.

We are BORN that way - self-absorbed because when we are born the only thing we are aware of is ourselves.

Which is a psychological version of "original sin", but I digress

 

[brinny]

Exactly.

We are BORN that way - self-absorbed because when we are born the only thing we are aware of is ourselves.

Which is a psychological version of "original sin", but I digress

I agree.

 

[Joy]

Can't really do much with that though really and it doesn't get to the CORE issue from childhood which is what Im looking for

you say you are looking for the Core issue for why you acted as you did.

i encourage you to talk to a Counsellor or Pastor about this

 

[Soul-searching]

Hi all, at church last sunday I was expecting to go to the cafe with some friends as usual (Tim, Helen, Lizzy) but at the end of the service Helen told me that she had been invited to go somewhere else with another group...I was suddenly filled with an intense kind of fear and anxiety, I felt as if my world has been pulled out from under my feet. I started to feel very possessive

I spent the day obsessing and worrying about H hanging out with that group, then I finally told her about my fears and she reassured me and told me not to worry and that she won't ditch me. but its been a week now and the insecurity/fear has stayed at a very intense and uncomfortable level. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about losing her even though its irrational, I have been dreaming about it.

I have thought deeply about whether I like her as more than friend and the answer is no, but for some reason, to have my closest friend and relationship decide to hang out with who I consider the 'popular ones' triggered something very deep within me, something that maybe goes back to childhood?

you can use one word answers if you want, just use your instinct and help me identify what this is really about.

thanks

Anxiety of abandonment perhaps

 

[Sam91]

I do not know the core issue but would like to point out some things you could remind yourself.

That your friends are free to be do what they want with who they like. Just like you are. If they felt like you do in a situation likd this and told you, you might feel a bit stifled. It isn't up to your friend to do anything to resolve how you feel and I can see that you are trying to understand your feelings.

It might have roots to do with your past, it might be that you are scared of change. It might be that you are trying to control your surroundings to make you feel less anxious and that you have come to identify your friends as a safe area.

Continue to be friendly with Helen but maybe find something new and enjoyable for yourself to do. Try to hope that she enjoys her new friends and arrange to do fun things with your friends so you can maintain your friendship with her.

Friendships change, life doesn't remain static. You can keep her as a friend even if she sees you less. If she does drift away, she can grow closer again in the future. There will be new friends to replace her. Do you find it hard to make friends? Do you value your friends highly? Is how you see yourself wrapped up closely in who your friends are? You might not actually end up seeing her less, this worry might be fruitless. I think the key is to transfer what reassùrance that you get from this into a greater Trust in the Lord and some hobbies.

 

[συνείδησις]

Would the core issue be not trusting GOD?

 

[Albion]

I spent the day obsessing and worrying about H hanging out with that group, then I finally told her about my fears and she reassured me and told me not to worry and that she won't ditch me. but its been a week now and the insecurity/fear has stayed at a very intense and uncomfortable level. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about losing her even though its irrational, I have been dreaming about it.

You say its irrational, and I understand that. However, there are many reasons why she might have thought she needed to go with that other group on that particular occasion. Worse, the more you act dependent and possessive, the more she is likely to see you other than as you would like her to see you. Snap yourself out of it.

 

[LoricaLady]

Hi all, at church last sunday I was expecting to go to the cafe with some friends as usual (Tim, Helen, Lizzy) but at the end of the service Helen told me that she had been invited to go somewhere else with another group...I was suddenly filled with an intense kind of fear and anxiety, I felt as if my world has been pulled out from under my feet. I started to feel very possessive

I spent the day obsessing and worrying about H hanging out with that group, then I finally told her about my fears and she reassured me and told me not to worry and that she won't ditch me. but its been a week now and the insecurity/fear has stayed at a very intense and uncomfortable level. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about losing her even though its irrational, I have been dreaming about it.

I have thought deeply about whether I like her as more than friend and the answer is no, but for some reason, to have my closest friend and relationship decide to hang out with who I consider the 'popular ones' triggered something very deep within me, something that maybe goes back to childhood?

you can use one word answers if you want, just use your instinct and help me identify what this is really about.

thanks

You seem to have articulated the concerns very clearly, yourself. The underlying concern is that you need to be more independent. For just one reason, sometimes people are turned off if you seem needy. (Really everyone is, but to different extents.)

I would make an effort to be sociable with others and make some more friends.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hi all, at church last sunday I was expecting to go to the cafe with some friends as usual (Tim, Helen, Lizzy) but at the end of the service Helen told me that she had been invited to go somewhere else with another group...I was suddenly filled with an intense kind of fear and anxiety, I felt as if my world has been pulled out from under my feet. I started to feel very possessive

I spent the day obsessing and worrying about H hanging out with that group, then I finally told her about my fears and she reassured me and told me not to worry and that she won't ditch me. but its been a week now and the insecurity/fear has stayed at a very intense and uncomfortable level. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about losing her even though its irrational, I have been dreaming about it.

I have thought deeply about whether I like her as more than friend and the answer is no, but for some reason, to have my closest friend and relationship decide to hang out with who I consider the 'popular ones' triggered something very deep within me, something that maybe goes back to childhood?

you can use one word answers if you want, just use your instinct and help me identify what this is really about.

thanks

The bible tells us to "pull every thought into the obedience of Christ", the LORD would have us have steadied emotions, He would have us have peace. By letting your thoughts run wild it has taken away from your peace. It happens to us all, but when it does happen we have to learn to control our thoughts. A part of controlling our thoughts is to "think the best of every person, and situation". The bible tells us "If there is any good report think on these things". Try to imagine the best outcome, as the bible says "God works all things together for our good". Just know all will be fine, you just need to tell your thoughts that.