HELP!! I'm loosing it!

[clycleader]

My 2.5 year old is having tantrums regularly! Mostly around transition times. Leaving our house, leaving a playdate, grandma's house, anywhere really. And at dinner time. Not at lunch or breakfast, but dinnertime. Daddy is just getting home at that time also. I understand what's going on, just don't know how to handle myself!!
Here's what I've/we've tried. He's a very good verbal communicator, so that's a plus. I've tried asking him what he needs or to use his words. SOmetimes that helps. Sometimes he screams, cries and hits and kicks me. If I move away so he can't do that, he seeks me out to hit, kick etc. I've tried time outs he only gets more frustrated and eventually coughs and cries so hard he vomits. Yuck. I try holding him and singing to him when he's not hitting or kicking. If he starts hitting/kicking, I put him down. He's a big boy and it hurts to get hit and I can't really restrain him very well.
Often I get angry or upset or embarrassed (when in public mostly) when he does this. I've been tempted to spank him and I vowed never to spank. It's just something I can't justify to myself or to him. Out of frustration today when he slapped me in the face, I did slap his hand. I felt awful, guilty and stupid. How can I tell him to stop hitting when I hit him? Dumb I think.
How can I get through the tantrum with him being safe, and getting the message that it's not ok. I want him to be able to verbalize what's wrong.
I don't think that punishing him works. It makes him not trust me, he can't calm down and "figure it out" and I feel guilty.
Logic dosen't work very often. It does occasionally. ASking him to use his words to tell me what's wrong works sometimes. Other thimes he escallates and hits me.
Help me get through this with my sanity intact. I know that this too shall pass, but I don't want to feel upset myself and don't know what to do for myself OR for him to get him through it and learn to process difficulty for himself.
Hope this makes sense. I need advice

 

[Leanna]

Join www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb is about the best advice I can give because it is a very supportive community of mothers

Also have you read Your Two Year Old by Ames and Ilg? Its not a parenting book, it is a child development book and its interesting to see what is going on with these quirky little beings.

If transition times are hard, do a count down. "_______, we will be leaving in 5 minutes." Then do one for one minute. Then say byebye to the toys.... I don't know why this works for 2 year olds, but it does. "byebye toys!"

 

[lucypevensie]

THis is a hard thing to deal with. My 2.5 year old boy had tantrums too. I think the worst thing you can do is make a huge deal out of it, even though I know it makes you want to pound your head into the wall and take absolute control of the situation. I found that did not work very well with my boy - the holding, hugging, "calming" words. Ugh... it made him even angrier.

What did work -slowly, but surely- I calmly (inwardly wanting to scream my head off:angel) sent him to his room with instructions to come out when he was ready to talk calmly and respectfully. Kids that are smart enough to use words to communicate still don't always have the self-discipline to actually USE the words. Trying to force self-discipline can result in escalation of a tantrum.

Sending my son to his room had a several benefits
1. The audience was gone
2. Mom was no longer a threat to his safety (seriously, I could have abused that child if I hadn't sent him away)
3. It really did teach him to think before just screaming and throwing things.
4. He did emerge from his room a different boy most times. He was indeed calm. If he needed more time then back he went.
5. It was a really good exercise in self-discipline for both of us.

Also, if these tantrums are predictable you can take steps to prevent them. If you know it's almost time to leave Grandma's then give him some kind of heads-up so that he's not suddenly forced to stop what he's doing. Be as specific as possible, like "As soon as this show is over we will get our coats on and say bye bye to Grandma, and give hugs and kisses and we will not whine or cry." Stuff like that.

 

[sparassidae]

If transition times are hard, do a count down. "_______, we will be leaving in 5 minutes." Then do one for one minute. Then say byebye to the toys.... I don't know why this works for 2 year olds, but it does. "byebye toys!"

I agree with this. Our DS had problems with transitions at that age, so time warnins and then 'bye' to stuff really helped him get through it.

And I think of it as just polite for all children, whether they are easy going or difficult.

I know I wouldn't like it if I was suddenly dragged away from somewhere when someone else decided it was time to go. So we still do it: 5 minute warning, 1 minute warning. We no longer need to do 'bye' to toys/park at the moment, but I'm sure #4 will get to that soon.

 

[FaithfulWife]

I agree with sending him to his room or to bed too. However, be sure that there aren't things to throw in his room -or- that his room is a "fun" room to be in . My daughter was a very stubborn one and she had tantrums at 2.5, and sometimes she would keep it up for half a day. Well...no matter what you can't back down (or you'll teach them that if they pitch a big enough fit you'll give in). I put her in her room and let her pitch her fit until she was done--but I was not about to be audience to it or mess up my whole day because she was having an anger problem. Furthermore, part of it was her wanting her way and wanting attention--so if she behaved she got all kinds of time with mom and if she pitched a fit she had no one around! It probably took her a couple of fits but she learned pretty quickly and I bet your guy will too.

Second point: a child must learn to obey and a fast way to teach that is to teach them that you mean what you say. Sooo...if you say "we're leaving in 5 minutes""4 min" "3min" "2min" "1 min" "bye bye toys!" don't for ONE MINUTE let him stay and linger if he pitches a fit! Now, you may not be able to take him to the grocery store or whatever you were planning to do, but don't give him a payoff for bad behavior. Teach him that if you say, "We are leaving" that you MEAN it and will follow through.

Finally, at the end of "fit pitching" day, reserve the bath tub, have hubby watch the son for some "man bonding" and take a bubble bath with candles and Frank Sinatra playing in the background.

 

[Assisi]

If the bedroom is too distracting (ie there are things to throw or it is fun in there) then try the bathroom. The bathroom is really boring.

 

[Jilly123]

If transition times are hard, do a count down. "_______, we will be leaving in 5 minutes." Then do one for one minute. Then say byebye to the toys.... I don't know why this works for 2 year olds, but it does. "byebye toys!"

This is what we do with our daughter and it works really well. I also give her a 5 minute warning. Then when it's time to go I tell her to say "bye bye" to the toys. Sometimes she even gives them a kiss. Once or twice she has said to me "Toys have a sleep now". It seems to bring some sort of closure for her.

 

[bliz]

Even though he is very articulate, you might want to try expressing feelings on his behalf. Transition time is coming... he starts to get upset... you can say, while he still is in control of himself, something like...

"It looks like you don't want to leave Grandmom's. You have had a really good time here today, and it's sad to think that it's over. You'd like to stay on here at Gmom's house and have this day never end. That would be fun. And now it's time to go home, and you wish you didn't have to, but we know you can come and spend time with Gmom another day and that will be very nice. ..."

I know it sounds absurd, but it really does work. With some kids, some of the time.

I would however, stop the hitting of others. You do not have to hit him, but you can grab a hand so that it does not hit you or a hand that has just hit you. A sharp "No! Mommies are not to be hit!" That can be painful to him, but it makes a point that Mommy will no longer be hit.

My mother was fond of a cold glass of water thrown in the face of a screaming child. It was more startling than anything, but I was always motivated not to have that happen again.

 

[Christdefinesme]

So sorry, this is so frustrating.
You've already gotten lots of good advice.
One thing I wanted to add (take it or leave it) is that we usually warn our kids (toddlers, preschoolers, etc.) that if they can't calm down by the time I count to three, they will be in their bed for a time out.
Then I begin to count loudly (so they hear me over the tantrum) slowly, to 3. My (now 14) year old ALWAYS ended up in her bed (she was my worst!), we would pick her up, kicking and screaming, and calmly set her in her bed and close her bedroom door, we would tell her we will come and pray for her when she calms down.
With our now 4 year old, he's VERY self controlled, it's kinda funny. He HATES time outs so much that he really quickly calms himself (he takes a HUGE deep breath, and blows out shakily, and straightens his chubby little face, very serious!) by the time I get to 3. It's really, really cute! There are times, though, where he's kicking and screaming all the way to the bedroom. But removing a child from the audience oftentimes works wonders. Then the child has to learn self control, self soothing, etc, if they want to choose to be in your presence again. Then when the child calms, I come talk to them about their feelings, anger, what's going on, etc. Then we pray and ask the Lord to forgive for the fit, disrespect, etc. Then we talk about what to do next time we get angry or frustrated.
Everyone does time-outs differently, so I'm not sure if this will work for you, but it's been great for us.
Take care, I'm hoping you find some great answers and support!

 

[JulySheMustFly]

You've gotten some great advice. My almost 3yo son does this too. Especially leaving the grandparents house. We have a few leaving techniques to use because the same one won't work each time for us.

 

[clycleader]

I LOVE the advice everyone! Lucy, I really think your approach is great. And it was good to hear that I"m not the only one who feels frustrated and ready to blow when tantrums happen.
He had 3 biggies on Friday then none at all over the weekend. The weekend is a little more lax with a schedule tho and it was all about fun (hubbys b-day) and all. I will try the "in the room" technique if/when it happens again. I will remove some things that he can really throw or hit though. Maybe put him in his crib.
I do try the 5 min, 4, 3, 2, 1 idea already. It makes him frustrated and he says "mommy no talk" and starts to stomp his little feet and tries to physically close my mouth.
I'll keep ya posted on how it's coming along.
I do appreciate hearing that this is "normal" to some degree. I don't feel like the lone ranger then. That helps.
I've also been praying praying praying.

 

[Robinsegg]

For my kids, I found that giving them "transition time" by saying "you have 10 minutes to finish" or "you have 10 minutes before we leave" really helps Even at McDonald's playplace.

We've always sent our kids to their rooms for tantrums and fits. Not for time-out, but because no one wants to be around that, and they'd might as well get used to it early.

Have you considered sitting with him on your lap with your arms around his arms & body and your leg(s) around his legs? This can keep him from hitting/kicking once he's started, and will let him know in *no uncertain terms* that it is not allowed and won't be happening anymore Once again, not punishment, but a very strong physical message w/o pain/humiliation.

Let him know when he throws a fit, he needs to be a "big boy" . . . sometimes that helps

Remember, even though he's verbal, he won't *always* be able to express himself. Allow him to tell you when he's angry, sad, etc. . . and ask him if he's feeling each of those things.

When he starts to lose control, have him "blow hard" . . . like blowing out a candle. This can really help him regain control and keep the tantrum from getting far. We do this with both of our kids and it's worked amazingly well

Rachel

 

[Everlasting33]

Even though he is very articulate, you might want to try expressing feelings on his behalf. Transition time is coming... he starts to get upset... you can say, while he still is in control of himself, something like...

"It looks like you don't want to leave Grandmom's. You have had a really good time here today, and it's sad to think that it's over. You'd like to stay on here at Gmom's house and have this day never end. That would be fun. And now it's time to go home, and you wish you didn't have to, but we know you can come and spend time with Gmom another day and that will be very nice. ..."

I know it sounds absurd, but it really does work. With some kids, some of the time.

I would however, stop the hitting of others. You do not have to hit him, but you can grab a hand so that it does not hit you or a hand that has just hit you. A sharp "No! Mommies are not to be hit!" That can be painful to him, but it makes a point that Mommy will no longer be hit.

My mother was fond of a cold glass of water thrown in the face of a screaming child. It was more startling than anything, but I was always motivated not to have that happen again.

I second this! Empathetic listening is very crucial to diffusing very negative emotions of children. I am not a parent but I have an extensive knowledge of child psychology and I would like to recommend two books: Your Child's Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs and Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon.

Mrs. Briggs points out," Negative feelings expressed and accepted lose their destructive power." She encourages parents to "actively listen" to their children:

Active listening is 1. the sensitive attention to the child's verbal and nonverbal messages and 2. reflecting back the total message empathically.

She goes on to say that "accepting feelings means permitting your child to experience his emotion without being judged. Active listening does not mean that you agree with his attitude but that you have acknowledge it and did not disregard it."

 

[Robinsegg]

I agree with the "active listening" concept . . . I do it in our home While my kids may tell me anything in an appropriate manner, they *do* need to watch their attitudes while doing so. Throwing a fit while telling me they're angry, upset or sad is not acceptable. Nor is harming someone else. Validating feelings is one thing, allowing poor behavior is something else again.
R

 

[clycleader]

I tried the 10 mintues til we leave. and told him about 10 times today that "I know grandma's house is fun adn you like to play here. I know you don't like it when our fun ends and we have to go home, but we need to leave soon". He transistioned much better than in the past. Just soem crying and stomping when he put his boots on. Nothing serious. And he noticed when I acknowledged his feelings each time I said it. Amazing! Maybe this is progress.

 

[Robinsegg]

Another thing you can try is to plan something he enjoys for when you get home! If he enjoys a bath, a story, a game . . . give yourself time to do that when you get home, and it will give him something to look forward to!
R

 

[Leanna]

Oh that's a good one, it really works even now for me to say something like, "Lets go home and have a snack" rather than "Let's leave the park".... the first one makes it sound like we're moving onto something even more fun than what he's doing