Help!...I need some advice.

[country_cookie]

Hi. I'm new to this forum and would really appreciate hearing your take on my situation.

I grew up in an abusive home. At age 18 I left home and ended up dating and later marrying an abusive man by the time I was 20. (My husband is also a minister and has been the whole time I've known him.) We just had our 18 year anniversary.

Over a year ago he told me he has never loved me, respected me, valued me as a person, or seen me as an equal to him. Several months ago he told me he knew he didn't love me even back when he proposed to me.

We have been in counseling for 2 years. He has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has no empathy for anyone. If I or our children get sick, he doesn't care. I don't know how I can grow old with someone like this.

I didn't tell anyone for 17 years because he told me not to and I was afraid of him. If I leave him, he looses his job and our only source of income. I am currently in full time school working on my master degree but won't be finished until May.

I had always planned on being married forever but I can't stay in a loveless marriage and his counselor says he is not likely to ever love anyone. I'm so lonely and frightned. I don't have family and only a couple of friends and no job.

I tend to think if my husband married me while only pretending to love me then there never was a real marriage because the whole thing was based on a lie. I wouldn't have married him if he had been honest about not loving me.

I hope I'm making sense. I just don't think I can take much more and I have a difficult time believing God created me to be this miserable.

What do you think about my situation?

 

[AS4JC91]

I know I'm only young but you really need to get out of that situation. Why don't you try a Christian women's shelter? You can stay there with your children while you complete your master's degree and once you find a job you can find somewhere else to live. After that you can divorce your husband if that's what is needed. Can I say, I don't know you but you did not deserve what your husband said to you. Jesus doesn't think that of you. He loves you more than any husband would.

 

[goldenviolet]

one step at a time. stay in the moment. draw the line at being abuised. if you or children are at risk, go to family or shelter. if you are not at risk, stay and finish school as your next step goal. fear of anyone finding out what you have said, is your enemy. secrets can hurt. these type of secrets do hurt. yes, it's embaressing and maybe even shameful... but out in the open, these type of secrets have no choice but to hold us accountable. especially those who walk in the Lord. my advice is to get a seperation and ask that healling come to your marriage/ your husband: before you go back. this leaves you room to walk away knowing you did what you could as a wife; if he gets help and you feel healling, you can choose to reunite. make it your husband's responsability to save your marriage, as he is the head of household, and it is his leadership role and responsibility to be as Christ and love it, you and your children. bless your heart. one step at a time. stay in the moment. let the rest be up to our amazing Master. xo dee

 

[BlessEwe]

I agree with everything that has been said and would like to add how important it is to have a plan. With someone like this control and fear is usually the case to keep you in the mind trap.
Abuse of any kind is not ok, perhaps call an abuse hot line to talk to a person in your area who really can give you the information you need. Each state has these. There is usually free legal and emotional support as well.

Just remember to set long/ short term goals ( Short term goal is your safety) (Long term goal is your education).

Also a biggy, be sure to clear your cookies/history on any site you go to for research or support, including this one. He can find out what sites you visit otherwise.
If he has any idea that you are thinking of leaving things may get bad. Maybe use a phone other than one he has access to the bill when calling hotlines.
Do this asap, and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[country_cookie]

Thank you to all of you who replied. I used to have a lot of friends but he didn't like them so now I feel so isolated. It's good to be able to at least communicate with people who have an understanding of what this is like.

He is on medication and is in counseling which has kept him from being physically abusive for the past year. I was willing to try anything to make the marriage work because I know God would want me to.

I feel I have exhausted every avenue. My counselor can't even think of anything else for me to do to save the relationship. My biggest concern is this: The scriptures are vague on whether I have Biblical reason to divorce him. He did look at pornography for a while which is adultery with his thoughts and the scripture does say he is to love me as Christ loved the Church and he does not love me and never has. Can I Biblically divorce him based on these scriptures?

 

[myanchor]

CC, I do know you have grounds for a separation, I don't think you do for a divorce at this time. But more than likely, if he has narcisstic personality disorder, when you two separate, he will go outside the marriage and commit adultery. Then it is purely up to you as to whether you two stay together. As for him holding job loss over your head, he will be able to get another one. Folks that are narcissists are very facile with getting others to hire them. Make sure you have a legal separation aggreement that delineates what he must pay and how and when he may see the children and contact you.

 

[annamoss]

A year ago, I was in your shoes, although I had not been suffering for as long as you have. God provides two ways for a man or woman to exit a broken marriage covenant: abandonment or unfaithfulness. [Deu and Eph] It sounds like both could apply to your situation.

Growing up in an abusive household has likely set you up to be abused because that's what you know. Praise God you are alive enough to want to overcome it. One question to ask yourself is: do you want to get understanding or do you want melodrama?

One way to distinguish between normal issues and red flags is whether the marriage only gets worse or whether the struggles improve it. You're the only one who can make that call.

I poured everything I learned into RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS, which is on a site by that name.

It's not my story, it's a mind map that will give you discernment about abusive individuals and relationships wherever you encounter them. This is a realm in which age, logic and intuition will not help you. It takes specialized knowledge to recognize and respond.

If it were easy to see and easy to get out of, millions of women would not be wasting their lives with hopelessly men.

His people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. I know.

Anna Moss

 

[myanchor]

Anna, that would be abandonment by the unbeleiving spouse as set forth by Paul.
Jesus said only in case of adultery.
From her post he is a minister and at least claiming Christianity, so he is not considered and unbeliever. (yeah, I know he probably isn't, but so long as he claims it, Paul's instruction doesn't apply)

Narcissists are pretty much users and totally self centered, won't take him long to get his jollies from someone other than his wife.