Help. I hate my mother

[chrisschris]

Hi There.
I wrote my story a few weeks ago.
I have clinical depressions since 8 months combined with
anxiety and sometimes panic attacks and derealization, insomnia etc..

why I hate my mother?
I dont really know...maybe she s the symbol of a past I long ago wanted to leave but couldnt..
A few years ago my father comitted sucide (I was in the early 20s)
just a few weeks before I wanted to seek another appartment because I couldnt stand with my parents.
But because of that I stood in the house with my mother.
She needed help, we had doubts and everything was so chaotic and we had so much to do in the house.

I had some personals problems and so it took till 2 years ago..
then I lived mith my girlfriend.
But I had to watch after mothers problems in the house and my mentally disabled brother.
It was as if I was all the years the second "husband" in the house..
I took care of everything I could, even I felt that my own life suffered.
(less contacts with friends no hobbies, etc...)

so one year ago it finally became worse.
I had an accident , My gf left me (I had to go in the mothers house because of 2 reasons:
- money
- help for my brother who got leukaemia

After months of stress and "no life" and feeling very lonely the clinical depression came...

Now
My family and mother helps me..
but I dont know
I hate sometimes my mother.
I am afraid that I never got "normal " (normal contact with mother and the ability to feel love not only hat or nothing)

I ve got the feeling that my mother didnt really saw that I
became a "husband""father" figure for the house..
Now I am totally broken
I ve lost all I loved and feel like an old broken man (but I am just 30)
What shall /can I do?!?
Finanacally because of my disability to work right now I will stay at least 6 months with my mother in the house...
I prayed to god that he will guide me on a right path.
I am afraid that it will be worse...

Thanx for replies and sorry for the long text to read...

 

[plumsink]

Of course it is not good to hate your mother, but sometimes it happens. Bear in mind though, your life is probably not even half way over yet, you are still young. If you live your life in resentment, it will poison you.

Resentment is the feeling that someone else robbed you of something. Your mother is taking care of you now when you need it, so obviously she has given to you as well as taken away.

Even if she did "rob" you of something, a more carefree life or the things you hoped to do with your life, what did Christ say to do in that case? He said,

"And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles."

Now, in terms of worldly understanding, that makes no sense at all. You would not find a worldly man who would say, "although I only owe you 10 bucks, I will give you 20 bucks." It just wouldn't happen, for a natural man to say such a thing. What is Jesus saying here?

First off, we are all debtors to God. Big debtors. The things that anyone else ought to have given us, pale into insignificance compared to the things we ought to have given God. We owe God for our very existence, for our salvation, for the food we eat and that we have a roof over our heads. Jesus was telling us, in the way God has forgiven you for your debts (meaning more than merely money), in that way also forgive those who owe you. Since we can never repay what we owe God, God is willing to forgive us those debts.... so long as we forgive others for the wrong they did to us.

There are a lot of Christians who are eagerly searching for a better worldly life: better job, better girlfriend or boyfriend, more excitement, more stuff. Such a search will inevitably lead to conflict with Christ's message, which is not a message of material increase but spiritual increase. More God in our lives is what we all really need, not those other things.

Peace bro

 

[RuthD]

It must have taken a lot of courage to write "I hate my mother." I think you are just angry with her now. You are a good person to have helped your mother and your brother so much. You are still young and can do so many things, I wish I was your age, honestly. Talk to Jesus and get closer to him for guidance and direction in life. Seek to know what Jesus or God wants of you. The answers will come. I'm sure God is very pleased with all that you have done. God bless you.

 

[NoelAsa]

Even though you wrote that you hate your mother you come across as a very caring son. You had to take on a lot of responsibilites that you did not want. I think that you are just overwhelmed by the role that you have taken on. It is hard for people who are care givers, you tend to get lost.

You have a lot to look forward to in your life. In six months you will be out on your own again. I hope that you are seeing a doctor and getting counseling and taking medication if you need it. Take care of yourself.

You are a good son and brother. Not everyone has someone caring like you to help them. You should be proud of yourself. Praying that you will start to feel better.