Help from women please (sexual)

[Saul100Paul]

Hi

I'm an unmarried born-again guy in my 30's. My question is about how much to share with a future spouse about past sexual sins and how women see it.

I'm a virgin and not sinned in person with anyone. However, I used inappropriate contentography a lot. Mostly it was BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism), specifically female domination and involved fantasies, accounts and footage of men being controlled, beaten, humiliated and degraded. From about the age of 7, I had submissive fantasies and this eventually led to online BDSM inappropriate content and webcamming. I had one occasion of webcamming with a girl where we both masturbated.

I was healed by God almost a year ago. In the time I have not masturbated at all (thought I still give it ashake and hope that will stop) and have not used any inappropriate content, apart from a 5 day relapse in June. God is taking layers away each time and I hope to stop thinking about sex and sleeping with specific women and lust in general.

I had online counselling about this.

I worry about how much to share and how this will be seen. In my mind, it is similar to being gay as people say once you are into kink, you cannot change. That it is wired into you. However, they are not believers and God can change anyone. I also believe that faith in God will not make this an issue and he will guide me. Afterall we all have sinned sexually (I can't imagine that no one has).

However, I am curious to hear opinions about this please. Thank you.

 

[Saul100Paul]

Thanks for your response.

Apologies for the discomfort caused, however I olnly intended to illicit responses from those who are at ease with this.

Well, it is almost a year since I have been clean from any inappropriate content and BDSM interaction and masturbation. Also, I had counselling on this.

Given your concerns about pathology and the 50% risk, would it not be highly unfair and unethical to withold this from a future spouse.

I hear you about being married early, however on reflection marriage would had been a disaster while this issue remained.

Men are free to respond but surely their thoughts would be hear say? As a man, I am unable to understand how women see issues like this. I appreciate each woman will vary so perhaps this is too general a question.

 

[Saul100Paul]

No but looking to actively date so this may form part of the process.

 

[Saul100Paul]

That's useful advice, thank you. If i thought it would put someone off, it makes me feel deceitful not to disclose something which is evidently important to them. And does that not discredit the base of marriage?

I appreciate that your advice is to my benefit and potentially it is for the benefit of both people if it is not known. particularly, if it causes distress, worry and destorys their illusion of me.

It would help me, if you may elaborate upon your thoughts as to why you would sever contact upon learning of this please. I ask, as this is obviously my norm so it is hard to be aware of the views of others, hence why i am posting here.

 

[Saul100Paul]

Well this is it. By the time of dating, I would expect it to be a 18 months without any masturbation or sex etc and a year without looking at any BDSM related material. The counsellor recommended a book on sexual addiction which I am reading. I also do not think of BDSM or have any interest in it, apart from short busrts which I got through with pray. i did fantasise a little but then stopped and it has gone and am no longer into it. It seems like I falter when there is pressure or I am down, so I am learning the patterns and how to deal with these problems healthily.

 

[bekkilyn]

I think the primary issue (if there is going to be an issue) would be whether or not you are truly "healed" or if you are going to just start back up again after your long-term "sabbatical" from it is over. How would you assure/reassure a potential spouse that it is over and done with for good?

It's not really a big deal if it's just a problem you had before you were saved. It would be a bigger deal if the problem was ongoing afterwards and on into marriage.

 

[Saul100Paul]

I definitely was healed because I cried out to God saying that I didn't want to sin like this but I could not stop. Why won't he help me. Then the next time I thought of looking it up, I was filled with an euphoric filling. I felt so great i could not bring myself to hurt myself with submissive fantasies. The feeling would last for long enough for the urge to pass.

Previous to this, I could not last without BDSM or masturbation for more than a few months. A year without any sex release at all, really does seem a serious landmark.

Of course, I may always relapse and it could be an area of weakness.

 

[bekkilyn]

God may indeed be calling you into marriage at some point, but you also have another option. You could choose to remain celibate and single (like Paul) and thus not have to be concerned over what or what not to tell a future spouse. I'm only bringing this up because many people seem to think that they are obligated to get married just because it's something "everyone" does or should want to do, but that's not true at all. Again, God may be calling you to marriage, but it's not the only option out there.

 

[Saul100Paul]

--Staff edit--

May people please expand on this please. To me BDSM is my norm. It is hard for me to see how others, with no involvement, would see it and why they feel what they feel. What about it is scarry?

I'm not saying that people are not wring to feel this, but I'm curious to learn of the fears and thoughts please.

 

[Saul100Paul]

God may indeed be calling you into marriage at some point, but you also have another option. You could choose to remain celibate and single (like Paul) and thus not have to be concerned over what or what not to tell a future spouse. I'm only bringing this up because many people seem to think that they are obligated to get married just because it's something "everyone" does or should want to do, but that's not true at all. Again, God may be calling you to marriage, but it's not the only option out there.

I agree. that is a great option and indeed even better a calling than marriage. However, I would be delighted if I am called for marriage as I like companionship and am sexual. Currently, I think about women and sex a lot but am being purefied so as not to lust. I feel I am being cleansed and transformed but would love a sexual outlet as I feel I am almost burning with passion.

 

[dayhiker]

This has been a debate people have had for ages.
I personally tell ladies I meet something of my past and where I'm at now. I'm not perfect and am not looking for a perfect woman. So better as far as I'm concern to find a woman who is comfortable with where I'm at with my walk with God. If I'm trying to live up to some expectation that I can't meet its not going to end good as far as I'm concern.
Part of the reason is I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut about things I've done in the past. If the topic comes up, they are going to get the truth. That said I don't go into details unless I'm answering questions they have about my past. Then they get the story.

 

[Sketcher]

I definitely was healed because I cried out to God saying that I didn't want to sin like this but I could not stop. Why won't he help me. Then the next time I thought of looking it up, I was filled with an euphoric filling. I felt so great i could not bring myself to hurt myself with submissive fantasies. The feeling would last for long enough for the urge to pass.

Previous to this, I could not last without BDSM or masturbation for more than a few months. A year without any sex release at all, really does seem a serious landmark.

Of course, I may always relapse and it could be an area of weakness.

You seem to be saying you are not sure that you are fully healed. Be very careful when you claim to be "healed," someone might take it to mean that you're more healed than you just told us you are. Good things have happened for you, and be encouraged because of that. But when you enter a relationship you will get to know someone at a deeper level and because of that you may run into another layer of that onion that you simply haven't had the opportunity to peel yet. You will need to join with God to deal with that should it happen.

 

[St. Helens]

MOD HAT ON
If you are married do not post in this forum.
MOD HAT OFF​

 

[dayhiker]

I'm not married ... if you were wondering Grumman.

 

[Queenos]

Hi

I'm an unmarried born-again guy in my 30's. My question is about how much to share with a future spouse about past sexual sins and how women see it.

I'm a virgin and not sinned in person with anyone. However, I used inappropriate contentography a lot. Mostly it was BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism), specifically female domination and involved fantasies, accounts and footage of men being controlled, beaten, humiliated and degraded. From about the age of 7, I had submissive fantasies and this eventually led to online BDSM inappropriate content and webcamming. I had one occasion of webcamming with a girl where we both masturbated.

I was healed by God almost a year ago. In the time I have not masturbated at all (thought I still give it ashake and hope that will stop) and have not used any inappropriate content, apart from a 5 day relapse in June. God is taking layers away each time and I hope to stop thinking about sex and sleeping with specific women and lust in general.

I had online counselling about this.

I worry about how much to share and how this will be seen. In my mind, it is similar to being gay as people say once you are into kink, you cannot change. That it is wired into you. However, they are not believers and God can change anyone. I also believe that faith in God will not make this an issue and he will guide me. Afterall we all have sinned sexually (I can't imagine that no one has).

However, I am curious to hear opinions about this please. Thank you.

I don't think it is an issue to the whole truth of it. It wouldn't bother me too much. I would be concerned about it if I saw signs of it creeping into the relationship. Like certain requests you made when it came to sex. Or if you seemed secretive with your internet activity. It is refreshing to be able to share your whole self with someone and they love you anyway. Love you and still respect you.

I am glad you are getting free of this addiction. Keep up the good work.

 

[Tony Conrad]

Is he talking about being healed from kink? I prayed for years to be healed of a certain activity that wasn't in the bible. Only one kink. I loved it so much and wanted to be as pure as I could. Years later I am still the same. I think some are just made this way. I enjoy it in my marriage and my wife is comfortable with it. It is so much a part of sex for me. I know I am unusual but have incorporated it into my/our sex life. I say to my wife why am I like this and she just smiles and says that's you. She is so encouraging and I love her for it.

 

[Tony Conrad]

Hi

I'm an unmarried born-again guy in my 30's. My question is about how much to share with a future spouse about past sexual sins and how women see it.

I'm a virgin and not sinned in person with anyone. However, I used inappropriate contentography a lot. Mostly it was BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism), specifically female domination and involved fantasies, accounts and footage of men being controlled, beaten, humiliated and degraded. From about the age of 7, I had submissive fantasies and this eventually led to online BDSM inappropriate content and webcamming. I had one occasion of webcamming with a girl where we both masturbated.

I was healed by God almost a year ago. In the time I have not masturbated at all (thought I still give it ashake and hope that will stop) and have not used any inappropriate content, apart from a 5 day relapse in June. God is taking layers away each time and I hope to stop thinking about sex and sleeping with specific women and lust in general.

I had online counselling about this.

I worry about how much to share and how this will be seen. In my mind, it is similar to being gay as people say once you are into kink, you cannot change. That it is wired into you. However, they are not believers and God can change anyone. I also believe that faith in God will not make this an issue and he will guide me. Afterall we all have sinned sexually (I can't imagine that no one has).

However, I am curious to hear opinions about this please. Thank you.

I don't watch inappropriate content and am happily married. Gay people can be healed of homosexuality through healing and deliverance. Not popular with the world though. Why would God judge it if they could not do anything about it. I'm not sure about kink. We do a few things in our marriage and are comfortable with it. I don't find it a big deal.

 

[BonnieL322]

My late husband told me about his past and his addictions when we first met. It all depends on the woman, her views, upbringing, etc. But mostly on what God tells her when she prays over it.

I don’t agree with the fad I see online about some Christians telling single Christians they need to be in some perfect place to court and marry. You shouldnt be an active hot mess, but being in ongoing recovery and working on yourself isn’t a negative and to be honest, a lot of issues are basically lifelong, so some would need to wait forever to date. Expecting yourself and or a potential spouse to be perfect is wrong.

Some secular women are extremely offended and concerned about any interest in bdsm, so it’s hit or miss. Some women may be able to get passed it while for others it would require further thought and prayer, and others would automatically feel apprehensive.

For me personally, if someone lays a problem on the table and is accountable and working on recovery actively, I would be willing to accept that and focus on other aspects of that person as a potential mate.

 

[bèlla]

Greetings,

I think informed decisions are best. I expect my partner to speak candidly about his sexual exploits. I’ll address the subject from several angles. If he’s dealt with prostitutes or risky activities where disease could be an issue, he should be honest. I don’t believe in sidestepping important subjects.

In your case, if you feel the relationship is serious, come clean. If you can’t share your imperfections why bother?

~Bella

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

Being celibate and marrying are the same in God's eyes. God has blessed both ways as long as they honor Him in how someone lives their life. It is a very sad thing when people say that being celibate is better because it goes against what God said about being fruitful and multiplying and that He knew us before we are in the womb.