Help for spouse of alcoholic

[jrjtexas]

New here: My husband is an alcoholic and a Christian. Somehow he's managing to be a good husband and parent. But he can't quit drinking. He'd been sober for 5 years, then started again for 4 years, then sober for 2 years, and now back drinking. He acts like its under control, but its not. He's drinking 4-5days a week about 8-15 beers at a time. He suffers from Anxiety disorder and says beer helps him not to have to suffer, but I am suffering! I'm watching him fall apart. I'm enabling him and I know it, but everytime I confront him, it either goes...'Well, you have sin too... or 'I know I need to stop...' But nothing changes. We're raising 5 kids, I REALLY don't understand this need of his, and I don't know how to help!

The first time he quit was when he was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and I think those 5 yrs he stayed sober out of fear. Then he quit when he was saved, and he stayed sober for 2 years, then he had to do dental work, so, to get through the anxiety of that, he had 2 beers and it worked. He's been addicted since.

Sorry to be so needy, but I'm loosing it!

 

[LoG]

Hi jrjtexas, welcome to the forum. Unfortunate about the circumstances however.

Did your husband attend AA or any type of counseling during his periods of sobriety?

That "need" of his isn't because of Anxiety Disorder but untreated alcoholism. It is a condition where the only way to cope with the stress of life is through the use and abuse of alcohol. Usually as a result of a lack of learned coping skills.

The spouse of alcoholics can usually find a support structure through Al-Anon. It is an excellent program that helps one deal with the effects of someone in the family who may have a problem. An alcoholic parent in the family causes a great deal of havoc in the family although they rarely realize it themselves. They are not aware of the change within themselves and as a result don't feel they are affecting any one other then themselves. This is not the case however. It has a different effect on everyone in the family even if it is hidden. The ramifications of a drinker in the family has long term effects that take years to overcome even for those who recognize they have been affected by it.

I speak as one who grew up in such a home and also became one, although I did join AA years ago so I could overcome it.

 

[jrjtexas]

Did your husband attend AA or any type of counseling during his periods of sobriety

No he didn't. His parents are both members of AA and My husband didn't like something about it, He started drinking at age 12, the same time his dad quit. he states the 'pride' of the recoverers. So when he quit, he just did it. both times.

He goes to a counselor to get his anxiety meds and doesn't even tell him about the drinking. He meets with an elder of the church about 1x/month to discuss guy stuff and doesn't even tell him! It is so very secretive.

I have a question: I've been driving him around to bars etc to drink because I'm afraid he's going to get a ticket or worse, kill someone! Is this being responsible, or is this the 'enabling' behavior?

The nearest alanon meeting is over an hour away, we live in the boonies, I need to find a way to 'ask' him about it. I'm actually a bit fearful of bringing it up, I feel like a real wimp.

 

[LoG]

No he didn't. His parents are both members of AA and My husband didn't like something about it, He started drinking at age 12, the same time his dad quit. he states the 'pride' of the recoverers. So when he quit, he just did it. both times.

Yeah, unfortunately when we first get sober we tend to be so happy about it we are a tad enthusiastic in preaching it to others. That isn't appreciated sometimes...ok, ok, most times.

He goes to a counselor to get his anxiety meds and doesn't even tell him about the drinking. He meets with an elder of the church about 1x/month to discuss guy stuff and doesn't even tell him! It is so very secretive.

Yep, can't let anybody challenge us that maybe we should do something about our drinking. It is a normal pattern that the periods of sobriety become less and less.

I have a question: I've been driving him around to bars etc to drink because I'm afraid he's going to get a ticket or worse, kill someone! Is this being responsible, or is this the 'enabling' behavior?

I tend to think it is "enabling" but not every case is always cut and dried. It does put a lot of stress on you however having to take care of 6 childeren instead of 5 especially when the sixth is potentially more stressful and time-consuming than the other 5 combined.

The nearest alanon meeting is over an hour away, we live in the boonies, I need to find a way to 'ask' him about it. I'm actually a bit fearful of bringing it up, I feel like a real wimp.

Ouch, that's too bad. How about other types of 12 Step groups like Celebrate recovery, CODA, Emotions Anonymous? They often deal with similar issues. You could also check around for online forums for Al-Anon. They may even have online meetings like some AA groups do.

Are his parents close by? They may be a source of support for you.

 

[LoG]

Here you go. This site has links for Al-Anon chat sites.
http://www.ola-is.org/

 

[jrjtexas]

thank you, I feel quite encouraged.

 

[LoG]

Your quite welcome.

 

[Rynalee]

Oh my gosh!! I SOOOO relate to you!!! My DH is also an alcoholic and a christian and we're kind of in ministry too, believe it or not!! He even works in the mental health profession with dual diagnosis patients (mental health + drug/alcohol problems!!!!!!) The most he's ever been sober is about 2 days; his drinking has steadily increased since our baby died 11 years ago. At first it was just a quick scull of the cooking sherry "to help him sleep" (he suffers terrible depression & anxiety) and it gradually progressed from there. He functions ok & holds down a job, but is always disappointing our friends because he pulls out of basically any organised event, and he is TOTALLY disappointing our 4 children. They've lost all respect for him (and I pretty much have to). He's almost always angry, or highly critical & negative (well, actually unbearably insulting), he picks on the kids, usually honing in on one particular child at a time, and then totally getting stuck into them when they're disrespectful, but the truth is that they're basically backed into a corner with this angry yelling unreasonable parent and they just DON'T respect him (and I really don't blame them). I try to encourage them to be honouring because that is what children are asked to do, but I'm not actually sure about even that anymore because of the way he's treating them. I've talked to them about his situation, but I just can't "excuse him" anymore. My 10yo said the other day, "Dad can't help it when he says those things" or something like that. I had to correct him and remind him that we all get angry sometimes but we have choices to make and Dad is CHOOSING to mistreat you when he says those things, even though it's REALLY hard for him to stop. It is NOT okay.

I also struggle with "enabling". I don't even like walking into a liquour store and have previously told him that I"m not comfortable with buying his alcohol and won't buy it for him anymore, but nonetheless he still occasionally asks me to pick him up a cask of wine when I'm out, and I haven't refused yet. I feel like Ii'm in the den of iniquity when I'm in there!!

I also know what you mean about the come-back to a challenge. On the rare occasion that I've tried to gently bring up the alcohol issue, he immediately draws my attention to the fact that I over-eat and turn to food in the same way he turns to alcohol. He's right, of course, so what can I say to that!!! I guess the crux of it is that I need to overcome my OWN lack of self-control in relation to food, before I can point the finger at him. The key difference I guess is that the alcohol is so mood altering etc.

Man, it is SO hard isn't it!! And he's having so much trouble with his depression too. He gets such terrible side effects and withdrawal effects to any anti-depressant that he tries, and I'm sure it's probably somewhat related to the fact that he's drinking so much but I can't be sure.

Oh, and he doesn't tell anyone at all about his drinking either (no friend, no doctor, or anyone). It's like our "dirty little secret". He has actually forbidden me to tell anyone too, which leaves me feeling like such a hypocrite and so trapped in this nightmare. My closest friends finally know he's depressed and also that he often doesn't treat me well at all, but none of them know about the drinking. When they try to help me, I know that they only know half the story, so there help is often very limited or useless, and I feel frustrated that they don't REALLY know how bad it is!!

I really, really hope things are picking up for you. I will try to check back in a day or two, although it's not always easy because I can only do this when he's fast asleep or out. I feel so terrible being secretive, but I need an outlet, and he hasn't given me permission to use a friend for that. I can't afford a counsellor, and if I did use money to pay for one it would give him even more of an excuse not to go to one himself.

Feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place, and hating it!!

 

[jrjtexas]

It is so sad that I'm actually finding comfort in your suffering. This whole situation stinks. I struggle with eating too. I lost 60# recently, I did it for him, because I heard the same song...'You are sinning by overeating' 'Log in your eye... blah,blah,blah' So I lost the weight, did Atkins. now I look great, but he's all the worse.

I'm struggling with respecting him. God tells me to respect him, HOW????? He's a drunkard, a fool, this is too much!

He holds a bible study for our children, I'm having a diffucult time with this, he is teaching the family, the word of God and getting drunk, I try to encourage him to teach and lead the family, but he is a child himself, and I think he's sending the message 'its ok to sin' and it is not.

Anyway, thanks for the post, I'm sorry you are going through this ugliness too, but thanks for sharing with me.

Rejoice in the Lord always
Again I say, REJOICE

(easier said than done sometimes)