Help! Christian woman married to Christian Narcissist

[tinajreid]

I don't know what to do. My husband goes through days of "normalcy", not often, but enough to keep me in line.

We married 4 years ago, second marriage for both. He was my Christian superhusband, hard-working, loving, gorgeous and spiritual. But from the very beginning, if I expressed any concern he would make blah blah blah hand signs to me and tell me I was to blame because I don't work hard enough.

3 years ago, my husband quit his job because we had a baby on the way and he travelled extensively. After he quit his job, I asked if he would mind helping out a little more around the house, and finishing up the projects, since he was not working. He told me that since I didn't appreciate the 20% of the housework he was doing, he would show me and stop. In three years, I have done it all. I do all the housework, and if I complain he tells me I am lazy and filthy and it would all be done if I'd work harder. He doesn't work or even try. I have a demanding executive job and give him spending money, extremely nice cars, a lovely home and we have two beautiful young children. He stays out all night.

I recently put a tracking device on him and found out he divides his time between two women. I also found out he extensively surfs porn, even while giving beautiful sermons on the damaging effects of pornography. When I confronted him, he said the other women were just friends. Even though he stays there, literally, all night most nights. He is the Christian Authority on All Things that are wrong with everyone else in the world. Yet he spends his days in bars, and his nights with these women...and tells me I am not good enough so he has no choice but to get away.


When I confronted him about the other women, he said he'd stop. But keeps seeing them anyway. Spent a half day Sunday in Bible Study alone on the porch talking about our issues. By Tuesday he was back taking woman #1 to lunch. With OUR family money, all of which comes from my job. Wednesday he said he was studying his Bible. Because I bugged his computer (bad, I know, but I have been gaslighted for years)...I knew he was surfing porn. When I confronted him about this, he told me what a vile evil woman I am and said he is separating from me and leaving his family.

I also told him it was not fair that he would not work. By the way, earlier this year he asked me to buy him a house to fix up and that would be his new Real Estate business. He has told people he owns 25 properties in 3 states and is bidding on strip malls. In truth, his one property sits untended and he has only put in about 8 hours of the 100 hours or so it will take to get it rented, in 5 months. When I confronted him about this, he just reminded me how lazy I am.

Wednesday night he spent with woman #2. Thursday day with woman #1.

You may think it is terrible I tracked him, but he has been gone most of the last 4 years and telling me if I worked harder for him he would consider doing the basics of being a husband. He would be with me if I just measured up to his standards. He must be allowed to come and go as he pleases, and do as he pleases. If I cry, he mocks me. If I get angry, he tells me I am such an unstable b*tch (his words, I am sorry) that he has no choice but to leave. He steals money. Pawns things so he can have nights on the town. And I am supposed to bail him out.

He has physically hurt me. Stolen from me. Lied countless times. Cursed me out and told me no other man would want me if I asked for a little help. Abandoned me quite literally, good times and bad.

Ironically, he considers himself a perfect Christian in all things and that he has never broken up with a woman. It was the unstable women in his life that bailed out on him. He does not believe in divorce. Only quiet servitude. Tina, if you just had a gentle, quiet spirit and worked harder, I would be there for you. But you are not, so I have to do what I have to do. No matter that I have practically lain on the floor for him to walk on me.

He has purchased guns and is acting unstable. I don't want a divorce, I want my kids to have a father, I have been a devoted Christian my whole life, but I am scared. I try to walk by Ephesians 5. I give and submit until I am broken. I try to accept his excuses for leaving us all alone almost every night. I cannot even be heard by him, yet he sees himself as this awesome spiritual leader. But if I dare suggest he isn't perfect, he lashes out. Verbally and emotionally trashes me. And then leaves me, for my punishment. I don't know what to do.

Help!

 

[Diane_Windsor]

If I get angry, he tells me I am such an unstable b*tch (his words, I am sorry) that he has no choice but to leave. He steals money. Pawns things so he can have nights on the town. And I am supposed to bail him out.

If he calls you names, which shows that he has no respect for women let alone his wife, on a regular basis then that is emotional abuse. I would not hesistate in retaining a divorce attorney in that situation.

He has physically hurt me. Stolen from me. Lied countless times. Cursed me out and told me no other man would want me if I asked for a little help. Abandoned me quite literally, good times and bad.

For your own safety and well-being along with that of your children, I would retain a divorce attorney immediately. Since you have an exec job, home, etc. you are in a very good position to get away from this abusive man.

It was the unstable women in his life that bailed out on him. He does not believe in divorce. Only quiet servitude. Tina, if you just had a gentle, quiet spirit and worked harder, I would be there for you. But you are not, so I have to do what I have to do. No matter that I have practically lain on the floor for him to walk on me.

Abusers will often blame the victim for their behavior. For your own safety and well-being don't allow yourself to be the victim any longer.

He has purchased guns and is acting unstable.

Please do not be the next Nicole Brown Simpson.

I don't want a divorce, I want my kids to have a father, I have been a devoted Christian my whole life, but I am scared. I try to walk by Ephesians 5. I give and submit until I am broken. I try to accept his excuses for leaving us all alone almost every night. I cannot even be heard by him, yet he sees himself as this awesome spiritual leader. But if I dare suggest he isn't perfect, he lashes out. Verbally and emotionally trashes me. And then leaves me, for my punishment. I don't know what to do.

You might not want a divorce, but you need to get you and your children away from this man immediately. Sometimes in life in order to protect ourselves and our innocent children we must do things that we'd rather not do. You deserve better than an abusive husband. Do you really think that the God that you serve would want this type of life for you?

 

[Solus Christus]

I agree. Everything you've described points to an abusive, manipulative husband who doesn't deserve you, and obviously doesn't want to spend time with you. It's only a matter of time before he escalates his behavior to your children, and it's not a good example of a Christian marriage to be showing them, either. I say get out, and get out now.

 

[ex-pat]

Get yourself and your children to safety.

 

[Conservativation]

If he is physically hurting you, and only you know what you mean by that comment, then yes get safe. in any case you may need to leave just to get him to catch a snap or use church leadership as an authority or something. I support the tracking device, when there is compelling need, as in your case, I do not support crazy jealous people who try and micromanage and catch theor mate all the time with zero basis except some weird feeling....that doesnt sound like you at all, you have every right to employ technology to get answers.

See a lawyer just to consult, know how you should comport yourself in the coming weeks just in case you need to leave, so you dont create an angle for him to legally attack you.

Crappy situation, really bad news.....wont change by waiting and being nice

 

[TammyRae]

I read this, it sounds like it would help you greatly.... I think the only thing that would work with a spouse like that is to stand firm and stop letting him abuse you.

Love Must Be Tough - James Dobson

Amazon.com: Love Must Be Tough (9780849913419): James C. Dobson: Books

Good luck and God Bless you.... I hope you are able to save your marriage, but if not, I hope you are able to save yourself and find joy again and peace for your family.

 

[Blaine01]

I don’t remember the authors name but the book is called boundaries. You need to read it and set some very definite boundaries within your relationship.

What kind of message is your husband sending to your children by his examples? Him seeing other woman is totally unacceptable and it shouldn’t be tolerated.

You need to read all of Ephesians 5 and look at the responsibilities of the husband to the wife. Actually the husbands is much greater, he is suppose to love you as Christ loved the church. Bottom line is your husband is manipulating you and failing as a husband and father. Your children learn not only by instruction but also by the examples they see in the home. Ever hear a young boy say they want to be just like their dad when they grow up?

 

[tinajreid]

Thanks, guys. I get tripped up on Ephesians 5 because we are supposed to do our part regardless of how well our spouses do. I love the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. He even says, "Respect him unto the Lord" if you can't find a reason to respect him. So I do my part, hoping someday God will move his heart and he will finally do his part.

Today, I finally read "Tough Love" after several people suggested it. I realize by the way my husband is "built", my total lack of boundaries, rather than encouraging my husband to do more for me, has given him implied permission to do less and less and take more and more. It hurts to realize my "Good Christian Husband" has this character issue, that he will get away with anything he can get away with like an adolescent. But I have to face the truth.

The hard part now, is establishing boundaries without destroying our marriage. Two weeks ago, I suggested we have a brief separation "With consent for a time..." as the Bible says, to work through our issues. I told him I could not go back to living the way we were, and we needed to each do work on ourselves. I also told him I cannot tolerate his "female friends", which are emotional affairs even if he is not lying about "no sex". They are classic EA's.

I am totally leaving him alone to give him his space (we have a small rental house in our same neighborhood that is vacant, and he is staying there). He comes by to visit and see the kids every day or two, and is acting more respectfully and lovingly, and has told me he is committed to change. We will see. But at least, for the first time, I am really letting him know I'm not whining. I am strong and I can make it on my own if he won't deal with this. I prefer to save our marriage, we both do. But not that old marriage. It has to be a brand new one, that works for BOTH of us.

Pray for us, please. Say one right now so you won't forget lol

 

[mkgal1]

The thing about Ephesians 5 is.....that's an ideal picture of marriage. That is what God intends for us, and IS possible when BOTH spouses are purposeful about loving one another....sacrificing for one another....and valuing each other. One spouse cannot do for the other.....one cannot make up for the lack of another. Once there is a blemish, the ideal isn't ideal anymore. Does that make sense? IOW....we wouldn't say, "That was the ideal vacation.....except for our car was stolen." Either it IS ideal (with everyone submitting to God...and loving one another in an honoring way)....or it's not.

The idea that we are to "respect" our spouse...no matter what, trips me up too. I just wonder about what definition of "respect" that is referring to? We are to be "respectFUL" to everyone. Sadly....very often, someone that is self-referenced is going to believe that any views contrary to theirs IS DISrespectful. So....who is right about what DISrespect really is? There is never a reason to name-call......or be rude....but, you can't follow someone you don't trust. Since we are all responsible for our own behavior.....certainly that means we have to have our own choices and opinions. Empty praise is lying, too (the Bible talks about flattery and empty words...and never in a positive way). Submitting to sin is actually participating in sin...enabling sin.

Lifted you and your situation up in prayer.

 

[20grace11]

Christ didn't die to set you free for you to be put into bondage by another, christian or non-christian. Your husband is soposed to love you as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Marriage is a reflection of what love is to our children ,and what is being shown here is nothing short of evil. For your children and your well being, stand your ground. You will be able to see a real change if one occures. Please stay connected to people that you can trust, and pray you through this trial. God Bless you and keep you, God loves you, you are his child he wants you safe and happy.