I'm really worried I'm reprobate. I was brought up in a Christian home and asked Jesus to save me when I was five cos I realised I was a hell deserving sinner. I've asked him to save me loads of times over my life. I always struggled with sin though and sometimes I would do it wilfully thinking it's ok God will forgive me.
Then a couple of years ago I was struggling with a lot of doubts about the faith and I kept falling into sin, one day I thought 'wouldn't it be great if it all didn't exist then I could sin as much as I want' and thought about certain sins, thinking 'how's that bad'? Basically excusing them. That night I did my bible readings and read some hard to understand passages in Leviticus and thought how could that be true?? And with that I rejected all I had believed. Then not long after about a week or so I read that people that stop believing are doomed to hell so this scared me loads and so I tried to start believing again but I couldn't, this carried on for a while. Then I became relaxed about the situation and thought God would bring me back in time. But then I fell headlong into sin usually excusing it or doing it in direct defiance to God. Thinking terrible thoughts like 'It's worth going to hell for sin' 'Gods sending me to hell might as well do what I want' 'humans are great. God won't be able to send them to hell' Then I realised how unsatisfied I was, especially with sin, it just seemed to loose its appeal. Then I realised that the only satisfaction is in Jesus and I couldn't be happy until i was sure I was going to heaven instead of trying to ignore it. And then I got all worried again. I then read those passages on reprobates and thought 'oh no that's me!' Because I chose sin over God and I realised my conscience seemed to have disappeared, I was no longer convicted of sin. I realised ever since I stopped I believing that my mind had changed. My ambitions had gone, love for my friends and family had gone, I'd turned very proud and selfish. People say there is no hope for people like me, I'm trying to repent and believe on Jesus but faith and conviction won't come. It's like my heart is hard to the gospel. Please please is there any hope for people like me?? I'm in torment every day. I regret so bad the stupid decisions I made over these last couple of years, I feel sick and terrible. I cry out to God for help but nothing happens!
Then a couple of years ago I was struggling with a lot of doubts about the faith and I kept falling into sin, one day I thought 'wouldn't it be great if it all didn't exist then I could sin as much as I want' and thought about certain sins, thinking 'how's that bad'? Basically excusing them. That night I did my bible readings and read some hard to understand passages in Leviticus and thought how could that be true?? And with that I rejected all I had believed. Then not long after about a week or so I read that people that stop believing are doomed to hell so this scared me loads and so I tried to start believing again but I couldn't, this carried on for a while. Then I became relaxed about the situation and thought God would bring me back in time. But then I fell headlong into sin usually excusing it or doing it in direct defiance to God. Thinking terrible thoughts like 'It's worth going to hell for sin' 'Gods sending me to hell might as well do what I want' 'humans are great. God won't be able to send them to hell' Then I realised how unsatisfied I was, especially with sin, it just seemed to loose its appeal. Then I realised that the only satisfaction is in Jesus and I couldn't be happy until i was sure I was going to heaven instead of trying to ignore it. And then I got all worried again. I then read those passages on reprobates and thought 'oh no that's me!' Because I chose sin over God and I realised my conscience seemed to have disappeared, I was no longer convicted of sin. I realised ever since I stopped I believing that my mind had changed. My ambitions had gone, love for my friends and family had gone, I'd turned very proud and selfish. People say there is no hope for people like me, I'm trying to repent and believe on Jesus but faith and conviction won't come. It's like my heart is hard to the gospel. Please please is there any hope for people like me?? I'm in torment every day. I regret so bad the stupid decisions I made over these last couple of years, I feel sick and terrible. I cry out to God for help but nothing happens!
